Sky Blue and Black
by ferryboats7
Summary: Latest story, more angsty then normal. MerDer obviously. Sometime after Derek picks Addison, both are miserable. How far will they go in selfdestruction? COMPLETE
1. The Importance of Ferryboats

_**Okay, so here's the latest story! It's sort of more angsty/dark then the last ones, but is still MerDer obviously (what other kind is there?) Anyway, there is no particular episode it follows, just that the time frame is not too long after Derek picks Addison. This chapter is more of a prologue, and the next chapter will begin the actual story. Review and I'll update soon!**_

**Meredith**

The taste of alcohol lingers in her mouth. It is suddenly joined by the stranger's tongue.

His hands are all over her, and it's almost as if they'll barely make it into the bedroom, where they fall onto the bed.

His lips press against hers again, but she resists. She kisses his neck instead, her hands gripping his back.

She barely knows what she's doing. She never does anymore. This kind of sex is always preceded by alcohol. She doesn't know this guy's name. . .he probably mentioned it, somewhere in the barstool conversation she had so perfected. Now, that was all cloudy. She wanted cloudy. She wanted numbness.

That's why she does this.

Tomorrow morning, she will be disgusted at herself. She will fall into her usual routine of self-loathing and insecurity. She will regret it. She will walk through the hospital corridors with a pounding headache.

Worst of all, that hurt will be back. The ache that never ceases, refuses to even grow into a dull pain, but is all-consuming, and still hurting as bad as if it were brand new.

So she'll take the days of disgust and regret. They're worth these few hours of cloudiness, a few hours of escape.

Later, the stranger lies asleep next to her. He's satisfied. Happy. Guys often are with this sort of arrangement.

She isn't. The cloudiness is ending. She's thinking of _him. _The very thing this was supposed to prevent. How much did she drink? Not enough, she thinks blearily, pulling herself from the bed and stumbling downstairs.

The self-disgust begins. She never thought people can actually hurt this much over another person. Relationships end all the time, right? If everyone sunk into a state of depression and turned to alcohol and sex every time on ended, no one would get anything done apart from screwing and drinking.

A stronger person would move on, she tells herself fiercely. A stronger person wouldn't let this break them.

_Weak. Weak. Weak._ She repeats this to herself with every step.

She doesn't turn on the light as she enters the kitchen. She goes for the tequila.

A light hits her eyes and she lets out a cry of alarm.

"Meredith?" Izzie hisses. She's holding a flashlight. She shines it on the bottle in Meredith's hands. Her shoulders seem to drop. She shoots Meredith a desperate look.

"Enough with the judgment", Meredith says blearily. She knows that look.

Izzie approaches her and lays her hand on the bottle next to Meredith's. "Stop this. You have to stop this, Meredith."

"No, I don't." She says stubbornly.

"Just try. Try to put this back for now. For tonight."

"Christ, Izzie, you talk like I'm a fucking alcoholic."

Izzie's face is somber. "No, I don't. But you're using sex and alcohol for a temporary solution to a lot of problems. It's not helping you." She gently wrenches the bottle away, and her voice becomes gentle and coaxing. "Come on. Let's go sit down. We can talk if you want to."

She's trying to be supportive. She doesn't know what to say. Meredith has realized recently that none of her friends seem to know what to say to her.

The gentleness in Izzie's voice hits her hard, though. She stares at the bottle of tequila Izzie took from her. She thinks of the nameless guy upstairs in her bed, and the more familiar one who would have been there several weeks ago. The pain returns.

"I just miss him." She admits quietly.

Izzie nods. "I know."

She forces a smile because she sees Izzie is worried. "I figure I'm already a dirty mistress, might as well go all out and become an alcoholic slut, too."

Izzie feels saddened by this, but she forces a smile because she can see Meredith wants her to. "Nah. Come on, Mer, you're gonna be exhausted tomorrow. Why don't you go to bed?"

Meredith thinks about crawling into bed with the stranger and cringes. She shakes her head. "I'll stay down here. In the living room I mean."

Izzie's eyes dart to the bottle of tequila.

"You can pour it out if you want to." Meredith tells her dully. Izzie looks reassured by this, and goes to the sink and does exactly that.

Meredith watches it fall into the sink and disappear.

_I'm a sink with an open drain. Anything you say runs right out._

Tears prick at the back of her eyelids. She knows, even as she watches the tequila disappear, that she'll be buying more.

Izzie goes upstairs, shooting her a smile as she goes, clearly meant to be assuring. Meredith lies down on the couch and waits for sleep, the other release she gets from the pain.

The problem with sleep, though, is that often it won't come. Especially when you need that escape the most.

Meredith closes her eyes and whispers his name to herself, just to listen to the sound.

**Derek**

He lays in bed, awake, long after his wife falls asleep. It doesn't feel right anymore, this closeness.

He twists the ring on his finger. He remembers the months it stayed in his drawer. Now it feels strange on his finger, like it doesn't belong there. It feels heavy, and it's weighing him down.

He knows he's imagining things.

His thoughts drift. His mind's not on his wife or the tension between them or even the constant petty arguments. His mind's not on the exhaustion and frustration he feels when they hide their real feelings, the real issues, beneath screaming fests about trailers or trout or toothbrushes or carpet or the city or the car or food or whatever the hell else they can think of to complain about.

No, his mind is on _her_. He's wondering what she's doing, wondering if she's awake, too. He wonders what she could possibly think about him now.

She avoids him at work. He hates that, and he hates seeing the pain in her eyes. He hates that hurt look she gives him, hates watching her intently for some sign of a smile and never getting one.

Hates knowing he did it to her.

He tries to talk to her sometimes, when he can find words that sound somewhat coherent. People keep telling him to back off, leave her alone. Her friends glare at him. Bailey gives him a warning look whenever he gets near her. Says he's making it worse. Part of him understands that. But he wants her to understand that he didn't want to make that choice. He wants her to understand that he still loves her.

He steps quietly out of bed. He goes to the fridge on the other side of the trailer and grabs a beer, then steps outside on the porch, feeling the cool air on his face, looking up at the inky blackness of the sky. He has discovered that, lately, he's liked sitting out here in the darkness. It makes him feel hidden.

God knows he needs to hide.

The porch light flips on and he squints, moaning in annoyance. "Christ, Addison. . . ."

"Sorry." She murmurs sleepily. She flicks the light off and sits down cautiously next to him. He closes his eyes, irritated. If they can't even have a civil conversation, why would she seek him out for more 'togetherness'? He just wants to be alone.

"Do you want to talk?" Addison asks.

"No." He replies tersely.

"Not fight, but talk." Didn't she hear what he said? "I mean, if we're still capable of that."

She wants a meaningful discussion, and he wants to be by himself. "Still no." He doesn't feel guilty about dismissing her. With all their fights lately, one is always annoyed with the other, and more often than not they are simply angry at each other.

"Derek. . ." She pauses, searching for the right words.

"Do you like ferryboats?" He asks in a hard voice. He takes a long swig of the beer, finishing it off.

"Huh?" Addison turns and stares at the outline she can see of him in the darkness, taken aback. "_Ferryboats!_"

"Yeah. Do you like them?"

She shakes her head in confusion, aggravated that _this _is what he's asking her during her attempt to make some progress. "I don't know. Who cares? They're not something I bother having an opinion on."

He grits his teeth angrily and suddenly slings the beer bottle at a tree near the trailer. It smashes into pieces.

"I kinda thought so." He rises violently and heads back inside.

"Christ, Derek, what the hell!" Addison stares at him in shock.

He slams the door behind him. He's acting immature and he knows it. He doesn't care. If she can shriek about trout or hair on the soap or the trailer or an empty bottle of water he put back in the fridge. . . he can yell about ferryboats.

_That's _actually important.

Meredith likes them.


	2. It's Derek

**_getThanks for all the awesome reviews everyone. This is a long ASS chapter but a lot happens and I really LOVE it. So I hope y'all do. REVIEW._**

**Meredith**

The next morning, Meredith wakes on the couch in the living room, the dull pains of a hangover enough indication as to what happened last night.

She's used to it.

She heads upstairs quietly and walks into her room. The guy is still asleep. Meredith looks at him quickly. They never look as good in the daylight.

She flips on the light and within a few seconds he blinks awake, rolls over and grins at her. "Hey."

"Hey."

"So that was. . ."

Meredith turns her back to him and rolls her eyes. "Yeah. So, listen, I'm going to go take a shower, and when I get back here, you won't be here." Her famous line. Her catchphrase.

"But-"

She hurriedly goes on. "So goodbye. . ." She closes her eyes, searching for the name. It still doesn't come. "Bye."

She leaves the room.

George is out in the hallway. He nods at her bedroom door. "Another one?'

She nods, feeling defensive at the judgment she hears in his voice. "So?"

He narrows his eyes slightly, but says, "Nothing." His voice suggests everything else. She pushes past him and slams the door of the bathroom.

**Derek**

"Nice work, everyone. Close up for me." Derek pulls his surgical gloves off and goes into the scrub room to wash his hands.

Early surgery. He enjoys this. Particularly this morning, when it had prevented him from having to speak to Addison about his behavior last night.

He finishes washes his hands and walks down the corridor, stopping outside the interns locker room and standing against the wall. They should be about ready to start rounds.

Dr. Bailey walks down the hall toward the locker room, ready to give the interns their assignments for the day. He stops her, "Dr. Bailey, I need an intern for a nerve case today."

She nods at him. "You got it."

He hesitates, making his voice casual. "Make it Dr. Grey would you?"

She gives him that all-too familiar look. "You really want to go there today? Again? I can't keep assigning her exclusively to you!"

"You haven't! Not since last week!"

"That's not because you haven't asked. Listen, Dr. Shepard-"

"I know, I know. Leave her alone. Treat her like all the others. I _know._ But I think she'll be good on this case."

Bailey doesn't buy it. She just shakes her head at him but says, "If that's what you want."

She disappears into the locker room and Derek leans against the wall again. Around Meredith, he sometimes feels like a little kid who's done something wrong and desperately searches their parents face for some trace of forgiveness. Sometimes he's the older kid, who tries to make jokes, hoping to hear laughter. He just wants an indication that she's okay.

He knows he's probably making it hard on her. But he can't stop searching.

"Waiting for someone?"

He turns. Addison is approaching, and her eyes are on the locker room door. He can see she's irritated with him for last night.

"Yeah, Dr. Bailey", he snaps coolly. "That okay with you?"

Addison leans against the wall next to him and sips her coffee. "So, you want to explain this whole ferryboat thing to me?"

"No." She won't understand.

Addison looks at him. "God, Derek, stop _pouting_."

He thinks about bringing up all the idiotic things she's gone mental over in the past few weeks, but he doesn't. He just ignores her.

She starts to say something, but her pager beeps. Without another word to him, she turns and goes.

The locker room door opens and Bailey steps out, followed by Christina, George, Alex, Izzie and Meredith.

Derek and Meredith's gazes lock for a moment, then she pulls away and looks at the floor.

"Ya'll know you're assignments." Bailey reminds the interns, who all start to move except for Meredith. Bailey gives him a warning look before walking off.

Meredith's hands are shoved into the pocket of her lab coat. She's looking past him at the wall. She looks so. . . defeated. Derek feels a pang of guilt.

He pushes it aside and smiles. "Ready?"

"Sure, Dr. Shepard." He hears the detachment in her voice.

He wants to say something to her, but he can't find the words. Finally he nods, his smile gone. "Let's go then."

**Meredith**

She wishes he wouldn't do this. Ask for her on cases, that is. She just wants to forget him, and it's bad enough for her to have to see him in the hallway, or on the elevator, or leaving with Addison. She doesn't want to be thrust into his presence anymore.

Still, he misses him. Sometimes being around him makes her want to break down and beg him to change his mind, as unlikely as that is.

The patient they are working with is a 37 year old woman who's had headaches and dizziness for the past few weeks, and passed out in the shower the night before. Derek wants to take her for a CT scan.

They stand in the little room later, staring at the monitors showing the woman's brain. Meredith hasn't said anything to him yet.

It's been a couple of days since they talked; Bailey's been keeping her off his cases. Derek clears his throat and she senses he's not about to talk about the case.

"So. . .how've you. . ." He pauses. "How've you been?"

_Shitty. _However, she tries to pretend that this is a normal conversation. "Okay." She feels his eyes on her, and she stares intently at the monitors. She knows he doesn't believe her. She didn't expect him to when she said it.

"Meredith."

She hates that tone. It's the kind he uses to try to get her to open up, be honest with him. As if he deserves that anymore. Her only hope of getting by is to stay closed.

He seems to get the idea that she isn't going to respond, because his voice returns to the professional one. "Come here, look at this scan. Here's her problem. . ."

Deciding it's safe, she goes over to stand behind him and peers at the screen where his finger's pointing. "A tumor."

"Exactly." He makes a note on his clipboard. "She's lucky. It's definitely operable." He turns around suddenly and meets Meredith's eyes before she can pull them away. "I'll let her know and you can prep her for surgery, then scrub in."

Was there really a time when brain surgery excited her? Now she just nods.

She waits for him to leave the room, but he doesn't move. He just stands there. "Are you okay?"

_No. How the hell can I be okay?_ She wants to scream. But she says, "I just said I was didn't I?"

He smiles slightly. "Then you're a liar." He knows her well enough to know she's not happy.

Now she meets his eyes and glares at him. "No, that would be _you_." His smile fades and he looks stung, which angers her more.

Then his wounded look fades to one of guilt. His voice is soft and gentle. "Yeah. I'm sorry, Mer."

_Damn_ him. How many times has he told her he was sorry now? Yet, still, the tone of his voice makes her throat tighten and her eyes sting.

She looks at the ground, hating herself for always avoiding his eyes as if she's afraid, but the truth is that she _is_. . .she gets lost in his eyes, and she can't do that anymore.

"It doesn't matter." She murmurs.

"Yeah, it does-"

"It _doesn't._" Her voice is firm. She just wants him to stop talking. "Now are you going to go talk to the patient or not?"

He waits for a moment, then nods and walks off. She follows him at a distance.

Addison comes out of an examining room somewhere down the hall and catches up to Derek. Meredith stops and watches them talk. Derek throws a look over his shoulder at her and she tries to get an indifferent look on her face.

Meredith hangs back until Addison reenters the room. Derek seems to slow down as if waiting for Meredith the catch up, but she doesn't quicken her pace anymore.

He waits for her outside the door to their patient's room. She notices the preoccupied, annoyed look on his face and can't help but wonder what Addison said to him.

**Derek**

_Marriage counseling._

She really wants them to go to marriage counseling. Again! He hates marriage counseling. As soon as they'd come to the compromise that she would move to Seattle and he would stop talking to Meredith (which was working out oh so well), only a few weeks ago, he'd pushed to quit.

Now she wants to go back.

Well, he had hated to be the one to tell her, but their marital issues were past being solved by a counselor. They would sit and yell at each other and eventually get sick of it all and lie about their true feelings.

Not much difference from what they did now, except they had to pay.

"I made us an appointment." Addison had said, ignoring everything he'd said. "Tonight. We need help, Derek. Clearly we left too soon last time."

"Clearly it didn't work last time!"

She had continued to ignore him, then walked back to her patient's room and left him standing there in irritation.

He can barely concentrate on what he's saying to his patient. He tells her about the tumor and the surgery, assures her and does everything else he's supposed to. Meredith, however, notices his change. He can tell.

She doesn't ask about it. He suspects this is because she's determined not to talk to him. Or even look at him.

He knows he deserves this. He knows she's trying to make it a little easier on herself. He knows she's hurting.

He knows.

But it still hurts.

Later, they're in surgery together. They've been working in silence for awhile when she blurts out, "Why do you keep doing this?"

"What? Brain surgery? It pays the bills." He attempts a grin, waiting for a smile. It doesn't come. She looks serious.

"Asking for me on your cases. Bailey said you were. I don't get it."

He hesitates, wondering how to explain it. To buy time, he asks, "Does it bother you?"

She hesitates, too, then answers, "A little. Look, Derek, I just. . .it's hard for me to. . . to be around you now. It makes it harder to let go."

He meets her eyes. "I'm not trying to hurt you."

She smiles humorlessly. "Too late." He sighs, and she continues, "Sorry, but. . .what I mean is it's hard to be around you when I know I can't be _with _you and I still. . ." She stops, her face flushing.

He's aching to tell her he loves her. But that would _really_ make it harder on her. He's aching to put his arms around her, stroke her hair, tell her that everything will be okay, and kiss her and go back to how things were.

But he can't. Because of that ring.

Instead, he has to go to marriage counseling. Part of him just views this as an annoyance and a waste of time.

But another part is afraid. He's afraid that the counselor will force them to move past the stupid, petty issues and visit the underlying cause. He's afraid they'll have to talk about Meredith.

He doesn't want some counselor talking to him about Meredith. He doesn't want Addison demanding that he stop talking to her. He doesn't want to deal with the fact that he's still in love with her.

The night, they sit in front of the counselor, the same one they went to before. He's asked what drove them to come back.

Addison is explaining about things. The constant fighting over nothing. The way they have a tendency to stomp out of the room. Derek sits silently brooding until he hears Meredith's name.

". . .and he hasn't stopped talking to Meredith, despite what he said-"

"I said this before, I work with her! I've talked to her when we've been on cases!"

"You _request _that she's on cases with you! I know you do."

Derek's face reddens slightly and he glares at her.

The counselor looks at him. "Derek?"

He keeps his eyes downcast. "She's one of the best of the interns. I've requested her once or twice on certain cases I think she'd do well on. That's all. It's nothing but professional anymore." He is disgusted with himself. Why bother lying? The truth is, if Addison had asked him herself, he wouldn't have lied. But here, in front of the counselor, he doesn't want to get into the whole Meredith thing. He doesn't want to be told what that means.

"So why can't you stay away from her?" Addison demands.

"Because we work together." He emphasizes each word as if he is speaking to an idiot. "Damn, you just want to find something to fight about. . ."

"I think Meredith is the big issue here. You didn't choose her, you chose me, and now you _resent_ me for that!"

"Derek, at our last session you said Meredith wouldn't be an issue anymore, that she was out of your life." The counselor says slowly.

Derek exhales. "She is. Except for at work."

"Maybe that's the only place you _see _her, but you still. . ."Addison is upset. "How do you _feel _about her now, Derek?"

Derek was quiet. The counselor then said, prodding him, "Derek?"

"Look, when. . .when you showed up, Addison, Meredith and I weren't serious yet, we were just getting to the point where it was serious. Maybe that's why I felt like I needed to pick you, why I owed it to our marriage to give it a try." He looks Addison in the eye. "But it doesn't matter how serious we were. I fell in love with her." Addison's eyes widen slightly. "That doesn't go away because I decided to stay with you."

Even the counselor doesn't know exactly how to respond.

**Meredith**

She wakes up that morning, surprisingly free of a hangover, and alone in her bed. This is due to the fact that Christina had announced she was coming over to "hang out" and Izzie had driven her straight to the house, never giving her a chance to get to Joe's.

She is pulling her hair up and sipping coffee in the locker room when Bailey enters. She wishes silently that she won't be put with Derek again.

Bailey looks at her. "You're popular lately, Grey. Montgomery-Shepard wants you on her case today." Meredith nearly chokes on her coffee.

"_What? _Why!"

"Couldn't tell you, I'm as surprised as you are." Meredith barely listens as Bailey gives the others their assignments.

She joins Addison soon outside her patient's room. Addison glances at her, "Thanks for joining me, Dr. Grey."

"Um, yeah." She forces herself to act normal, as if she doesn't care. "No problem."

Later, they are doing medical tests (my medical knowledge is essentially zilch, so ignore it) when Addison breaks the awkward silence hanging over them. "You know Derek and I started counseling again last night."

Meredith stares at her. Why is she telling her this? "Um, okay."

Addison fixes her with an expressionless stare. "I thought we should talk about you, his feelings toward you. I thought you were a big problem in our marriage."

Meredith doesn't know how to respond. So she simply repeats, "Okay." She wishes Addison would shut up.

"I was wrong. At least, mostly. You're not as big of an issue as I thought." There is a sly, suggestive tone to her voice and Meredith can't help but reply.

"What does that. . .what do you mean?"

"Derek told the counselor that you were out of his life, that it was strictly professional between you two."

Meredith stares at her. "Why are you telling me this?"

Addison ignored her. "He also said that he picked me because he knew you two. . .when you were dating, I mean, weren't serious yet. Were still on your way to serious."

Meredith feels like she's been slapped. She doesn't look at Addison, so she doesn't feel the hurt and tears filling her eyes. She pictures Derek and Addison sitting in an office with some counselor, pictures Derek saying these things about her.

Her throat is too tight to speak for a few minutes. Finally, she asks, "Why are you telling me this?"

"So you'll know where he stands. I think you should. And you can leave him alone."

"I'm not. . ." She is so surprised and angry by this comment that she can't speak for a second. "I _try_. Maybe you haven't noticed, but Derek's been the one trying to talk to me! If your marriage is dead, don't try to blame me! Blame your _husband_. Or, more likely, blame yourself. I think it was _you _who cheated on him with his best friend. Your lucky he took you back at all!"

Meredith is shocked at herself for going off on Addison. Addison looks shocked as well. Then she speaks in a quiet, forceful voice, "Get out."

Meredith stares at her. "What?"

"Get out. You're off this case, get out of here."

"You can't-"

"I just did."

Meredith stands rooted in spot for a moment, then turns and leaves. She heads down the hall and into the elevator. Derek sees her and follows. She reaches for the close door button but he gets in anyway.

"Hey."

She ignores him. She's worried that if she speaks she'll either start crying or yelling.

"Heard you're with Addison today. What-"

"Shut up." She says quietly.

"Huh?"

"Just leave me alone. I'm supposed to 'out of your life', remember?" Her words drip with bitterness.

Derek looks confused. "What are you-"

"Your wife was just filling me in on your counseling session last night. I guess I was one of the discussion topics." Her voice breaks slightly in spite of her attempts to remain flippant and smartass.

"What did Addison tell you?

"Just that I'm out of your life, and that you picked her because you and I weren't serious." Derek gapes at her. Meredith sees this. "You deny it?"

"She took everything way out of context."

"So you did say it." She knows she shouldn't care. She knows it doesn't affect whether or not they're together. But she can't stop the tears from filling her eyes, and she's blinking furiously to keep them back.

He reaches out and pulls the emergency stop on the elevator. "I also said it didn't matter how long we'd been dating! I said I _fell in love _with you, and that it hasn't gone away even though I decided to stay with her!" He pauses, then places a hand on her shoulder. "I love you."

She's really crying now. "Shut up! I don't want to hear that, I _can't_. Just stop saying that to me, because it's not true-"

"It _is."_

"Then it wasn't enough for you, and that sucks. So stop telling me that, because what's the point? If you're feeling guilty and want forgiveness, you're looking in the wrong place." She violently pushes the button back, desperately wanting to be out this elevator. When the doors open she turns around and stares at him, her face wet with tears. "You want me out of your life, fine. Stay the hell out of mine. Just stay away from me."

"Meredith, wait-"

He steps after her, but she's walking quickly away.

DEREK

"What the hell did you tell her?" Derek is in a rage. He slams the door of the trailer behind him and stares at Addison.

Addison looks up, startled. Innocently, she asks, "Who?"

"You know who." His voice is dangerously quiet. "What right do you have to talk to her about our marriage counseling!"

Addison keeps her voice calm. "I thought I was helping you out. Seeing as the only problem you're having keeping her out of your life is that fact that you work together."

Derek can hardly speak he's so angry. "Just. . .just stay away from her."

"Imagine that's what she's told you to do."

Derek is seized with sudden hatred for his wife. "Just because you're threatened-"

"Well, yeah." She says this as if it is obvious. "You admit to being in love with her, Derek. What am I supposed to feel other than threatened?"

"You still have no right."

"Derek, if you love her, why did you pick me?"

He pauses, then fixes his wife with a hard stare. "Right now, I'm not sure."

"Derek, I'm-"

"Shut up." He walks over to the refrigerator and takes out a six pack and goes outside on the porch.

He waits there, willing Addison not to follow him.

He begins to drink.

**Meredith**

She goes straight to Joe's. Her friends make half-hearted attempts to convince her to go home, but they see the tears in her eyes and drying on her cheeks and know she won't be talked out of it.

She sits, doing shot after shot. She hates him. She also loves him, and those emotions together make everything complicated. She's settle for just hate, if she could get rid of the love part. Better yet, she wishes she just didn't care.

But she does.

Joe comes over to talk. She knows he's probably just trying to distract her from drinking so much, but she doesn't mind pouring her problems on him. She tells him in a broken voice what Addison said, how she feels about Derek, and everything she's been doing lately to avoid thinking about him.

That's the nice thing about bartenders. They don't mind listening, and they've heard enough not to judge.

He's nodding sympathetically. She asks for more tequila and he fixes her with an understanding look, but says, "Why don't you hold off on that?"

She stares at him, shaking her head.

He keeps talking, "Call Izzie or Christina, and they can come get you. Talk to them. They're better at this than me." He smiled slightly. "Well, Izzie is, anyway. And even Christina is better than tequila."

"Not so sure about that." Meredith replies weakly. "No, I-I don't want to call them."

She keeps ordering and she keeps drinking. Joe doesn't understand. None of them do. Talking about it won't make her forget. She doesn't want to talk. She just wants to forget.

**Derek**

He's had several beers when Addison seems to think it's okay to come outside. "Derek. . ." She begins tentatively.

He jumps up and holds out an arm to stop her. "No, I told you to shut up, I said get away from me. . ." His voice is slurring slightly.

Addison looks at the bottles scattered around the porch. "Are you _drunk_?"

He ignores her. "Get away.

"Derek, we have to talk about-"

"I don't wanna talk!" He's shouting, and he moves off the porch and toward the car.

"Don't be stupid, Derek, you can't drive, you could kill yourself."

He jumps in the car and jams the keys into the ignition. Soon he's driving off, leaving Addison standing in shock.

He drives down the road, heading nowhere. His mind is cloudy, and his vision has blurred with tears. Addison's words run through his head, "You could kill yourself. . ."

He laughs out loud. Like that's such a bad thing right now. Like he has anything left worth living for.

Meredith. . .he can't get her out of his head.

He lifts his hands off the wheel for a split second, experimentally. He clutches it again instantly, his heart pounding. He has the control.

He is powerless in many things in his life, even small things. But this. . .the power to live or die. . .he has the power in his hands.

He closes his eyes and thinks of Meredith. Words and images flash through his mind.

_It's like I was drowning and you saved me._

_Pick me. Choose me. Love me._

_It's not the chase. You and me._

_Oh. You're staying with her._

_Yeah, she's my wife._

_I fell in love with her._

_Meredith, I am so sorry._

_Don't get me wrong, I like the kissing. More kissing I say._

He lifts his hands from the wheel, closes his eyes, and waits.

**Meredith**

She's shaken awake that morning and meets the familiar hangover pains. She has only a vague recollection of last night. She doesn't even know who drove her home from Joe's. She doesn't know how long she sat there.

She looks up and sees Izzie looking down at her, her eyes huge and her face pale. She's muttering her name, sounding urgent, "Meredith, Mer, wake up, c'mon. . ."

Meredith gives a nod to indicate she's awake and she blinks against the intensity of the light. She looks around the room and sees George and Alex hovering in the doorway. She barely has time to marvel the fact that Alex must have stayed over with Izzie before she notices the looks on the three faces.

"What's going on?" Fear begins to seize her. Something's wrong.

Izzie looks at her. "It's Derek."

**Okay, so that was a long chapter. But I wanted to end it here. For those of you who read my story How To Save a Life, you know I've used a car accident before, with Meredith. But I started thinking about how it would be if Derek was the one in the accident, and built the story around the set up. Otherwise, it's nothing like the other one, because the dynamic is so different (their relationship is in a very different place, Addison is more involved obviously, etc.) I think this way is actually more interesting, and like I said, I making this one more angsty since I LOVE angst. Will post again soon if you review : ) **


	3. Code Blue

"It's Derek."

Meredith stares at her. "What about him?"

"He. . .he was brought into the hospital last night. He was in a car accident."

Meredith keeps staring stupidly at her. "Car accident?" She repeats numbly. Everything about the previous is beginning to rush back. . .what Addison told her, and what Derek said to her in the elevator. . .

"He was drinking." Izzie said gently. "And he ran off the road into a ditch somewhere, and his car rolled over."

"Rolled over?" This isn't real. She looks around the room for some sign of abnormality that reveals this as some sort of a dream. There is none. She sees the sympathy in Izzie's eyes and begins to speak really fast. "I bet he's really mad, isn't it? I mean, I bet the car was totaled, and, and Derek loved that car. He's probably really pissed off, it isn't he?"

Izzie sees what she's doing and she feels a lump forming in her throat. She can tell Meredith desperately wants her to smile and say, yeah, he's really mad about the car. Instead, she puts a hand on Meredith and says quietly, "No, Mer, he's not. He's in a coma."

"Coma?" Meredith feels frozen with shock. She sits silent for awhile before she hears herself saying, "He's going to be okay. Right?" She looks desperately at Izzie. She's thinking of that conversation in the elevator, the way he'd gone after her and yelled her name.

"We don't know, Mer, we haven't heard anything except what I just told you."

"We have to go. . ." Meredith jumps out of bed, walking to a closet for clothes, a kind of roaring in her ears. She can barely think, and it's not just the hangover. "I have to see him."

Izzie looks at the guys helplessly. "Okay, Mer, we can go to the hospital early and see him."

"Now." She mutters hurriedly pulling out some clothes. "We have to go now." _He'll be okay. He'll be okay. He'll be okay._

"We can go now." Izzie has the soothing tone of a mother trying to reassure a child.

Meredith stares at her suddenly, her eyes wide and haunted. "You said he was drinking?"

Izzie nods silently.

"I. . . we had a fight. Earlier." She doesn't know why she's saying all this.

Izzie looks helplessly at Meredith. "It's okay." It's not, but it's what you're supposed to say.

Meredith goes out of the room, pushing past Alex and George. When she gets into the bathroom she's shaking. She stares at her reflection in the mirror.

She's almost unrecognizable. Black smudges of eyeliner and mascara mask her eyes from going to bed without taking it off last night. Her eyes are squinty and red rimmed. And now, they are full of terror.

She washes her face hurriedly and pulls her hair back. Izzie and the others are waiting in the hallway.

The ride to the hospital is quiet, the atmosphere tense. The car radio plays softly in the background, but no one hears it.

Derek's room is on the fourth floor, 437. Izzie barely has time to get this information to Meredith before she runs to the nearest elevator. They quickly jump in after her.

Everything is a blur from the elevator to Derek's room. Meredith is the first one inside.

Bailey, Chief Webber, Christina, and Addison are all there. Addison is slumped in a chair, looking overwhelmed. She turns and gives Meredith a surprised look, which fades quickly to something like anger. The other three look at Meredith, surprised for a moment, then sympathetic. They look confused, like they don't know what to say to her.

Meredith only stares at Derek.

There are deep cuts on the left side of his face and neck. He's hooked up to many different machines, machines Meredith has seen on patients hundreds of times.

But this is different. This is Derek.

Christina was on call lat night, when he came in. She moves slightly between her friend and Addison. She, more than anyone else, senses what's coming.

Bailey moves toward Meredith and puts a hand on her arm, wondering what you could possibly say to a guys ex-girlfriend with his wife sitting there. Of course, everyone knows Meredith is more to him than an ex.

Meredith doesn't take her eyes off him. Her voice is quiet, "Is he going to. . .will he be okay?"

"We don't know yet." Bailey's voice is heavy. Meredith gives her a desperate look, wanting an answer. She moves her eyes to Christina's, pleading for information.

Bailey and Webber exchange a look. "I'll go book the O.R." He says quietly. He leaves the room, walking past Alex, Izzie, and George who are hovering awkwardly in the doorway.

Meredith moves toward Derek, but Addison steps in front of her, and Meredith starts, noticing and remembering her for the first time.

"Get out." Addison says quietly, in the same firm tone she used earlier that day to kick Meredith off her case. That seems like forever ago.

Meredith just looks at her blankly.

Addison repeats herself, "Get out of here, get away from him. I don't want you in here."

Meredith whirls around and looks at Dr. Bailey, who looks a little caught off guard by Addison's order. Meredith's eyes slide to Christina's, giving her a desperate look, waiting for them to protest.

Christina shakes her head at Addison. "You can't do that, you can't just throw her-"

"He's my husband. If I don't want her here, she can't be."

"Addison." Meredith is almost surprised to hear her own pleading voice. "Please. I just want to see him, I want to find out if he's-"

"Well, you've seen him now." Addison's voice is cold and hard.

"Dr. Bailey. . ." Meredith meets her boss' eyes, pleading silently.

Bailey gives Meredith an apologetic look. "Meredith, why don't you go to the locker room with the others? I'll be there soon to give you your assignments." Meredith stares at her, stunned.

Christina looks like she might say something in protest, but a warning look from Dr. Bailey stops her.

It doesn't, however, stop Alex. Moving in slightly from the doorway, he addresses Dr. Bailey, "Come on! She can't just do that, she can't just decide for _him_ who can see him or-"

"Dr. Karev, that's _enough!_"

Unwilling to be outdone, Christina speaks next, "Alex is right. . ." She turns to face Addison, a look of disdain on her face. "He'd want her here. You know he would, and it kills you, but you _know_ he'd want her-"

"Dr. Yang!" Bailey's voice rises in volume. She turns and looks at Meredith, who is looking scared and desperate. Bailey lowers her voice, "I'm sorry, Grey, but I'll speak to you about it in a moment. Just do this for me." Meredith doesn't move. Her eyes are fixed on Derek. Bailey glances at Izzie. "Stevens, would you. . ."

Izzie understands, coming inside and gently pulling Meredith by the arm. "C'mon, Mer."

Meredith walks numbly out of the hospital room with Izzie. George follows, and Alex throws Bailey an angry look before following. Christina is left with Bailey and Addison.

XXXXXXXX

Bailey enters the locker room in a short time. Meredith sits on the floor, back against the lockers, her knees drawn up to her chin. She doesn't even look up at Bailey when she comes in. She is in shock, numb with terror.

Bailey's voice is subdued. "O'Malley, you're in the pit. Karev, you're with the chief to pick up the slack on Shepard's patients. Izzie, you need to do post-op notes on all of Addison's patients." She passes out files and slowly, with backward glances at Meredith, they file out.

Bailey sits on the bench and faces Meredith. She doesn't speak for a moment, searching for words. "Meredith, I'm. . .I'm sorry, but this is. . .an awkward situation. With his wife here. . ."

"I know." Meredith says in a hollow voice. "With his wife here you can't really bring in the ex-mistress."

Bailey looks at her sadly. She thinks of the day Derek had told Meredith he'd picked Addison, the night of the train wreck. The whole hospital heard that's when it happened. She thinks of how he broke down in the elevator that night. She thinks of his requests to get Meredith assigned to him every day. "You know you're more than that. To him."

Meredith glances at her, a little surprised that Bailey would say something like this.

Bailey continues, "They're taking him into surgery. He's got a lot of internal damage. . .lot of head injury. The surgery will do everything it can but. . .nothing's for sure."

"I just. . .I just want to see him." Meredith mumbles stupidly.

"I know. You know Yang'll probably tell you the minute Addison steps out of that room." Bailey smiles slightly.

Meredith nods. Then, struggling to keep her voice level, she asks, "So what do you want me to do today?"

Bailey stands from the bench. "Burke needs someone on his case today. But not right now." Meredith looks at her questioningly. "I'll give you a few minutes."

"I'm really fine-"

"I always said you're a bad liar." Bailey nods at her and leaves the locker room.

Meredith sighs, closing her eyes, emotionally exhausted. This is all so surreal. She feels like she should be crying. But it hasn't hit her properly yet. Half of her still expects to wake up any moment.

But then again, she felt like that when Addison showed up. When Derek picked Addison.

She never wakes up.

**Bailey **

Bailey walks swiftly down the hallway to Derek Shepard's hospital room.

She enters and sees Addison leaning against the wall. Addison looks at her, expressionless, when she walks in.

"You're hear to make me change my mind." Addison states flatly. "Well, I won't. Don't waste your time."

"What am I making you change your mind about?"

"You are _trying _to change my mind about letting Meredith see him. I won't."

"Okay. I was actually just going to tell you that we're taking him into surgery in about thirty minutes to do as much as we can."

"Oh." Addison bites her lips for a second, then starts speaking quickly, "I don't see why everyone's making me into such a villain for keeping _her _out. What kind of wife would want her husband's ex-mistress in his hospital room! Especially when its her fault he's there." Bailey's eyebrows shoot up at this, but she says nothing. Addison seems to anticipate some sort of protest to her statement, since she rushes on, "Because it is her fault. They had some sort of fight and she yelled at him about something and that's why he was drinking and that's why he was stupid enough to drive a car into a goddamn ditch."

Bailey pretends to study one of the machines hooked to Dr. Shepard, feeling Addison's eyes on her. She's clearly waiting for a response, and Bailey doesn't know what kind of response she wants. So she stays quiet, waiting. People tend to talk more even if they don't get an answer.

Addison does. Her voice is upset, rather than flat or defensive. "Okay, it was my fault. My fault, too, because she was the one who made him. . ." Her voice cracks but she keeps going. "I just thought if I told her some of the things he said, even if it wasn't completely true. . .I thought she'd leave him alone. I didn't know she'd yell at him about or that he'd get so upset and do this!"

Bailey watches her silently, thinking about Meredith's pained expression just yesterday when Bailey had assigned her to Dr. Shepard. She was sure Meredith wanted more than anything to 'leave him alone'. However, Bailey knows this isn't the thing to point out to Addison.

Addison meets Bailey's gaze directly and asks, "So is it really so wrong of me to not want her in here with him!"

Bailey pauses, knowing anything she says could be the wrong thing. Finally, she decides to be straightforward, as she always is. "I understand why you don't. But, Addison, you can't blame her for being worried about him. Grey didn't set out to destroy your marriage, she didn't even know their was a marriage. She's had a hard time with all of this, too."

Addison realizes Bailey is right, really, but she doesn't say anything.

Bailey realizes this and stands. "So the surgery's in an hour."

"An hour." Addison repeats.

Bailey leaves the room and nearly collides with Christina who's coming inside. "Sorry, Dr. Bailey. Did you talk to Addison?"

Bailey's look becomes severe. "Yeah, I have, and I don't want _you _to concern yourself with it anymore."

"But she-"

Bailey holds up a hand. "I _know _Meredith's your friend, and I know you feel bad for her. But you are Dr. Shepards _doctor_ right now, and if you can't act like you are _just _his doctor, I can just pull you from this case. We clear?"

Christina's eyebrows knit together in a scowl but she nods and says reluctantly, "We're clear. But. . .seriously, Bailey, can she really just. . .forbid Meredith from seeing him?"

Bailey rolls her eyes. "Not unless she's planning on physically restraining her. I don't think it's a good idea if Grey goes in there while Addison is, which you're welcome to pass along."

**Meredith**

Meredith goes through the rest of her day in a robotic fashion. Her mind is only on Derek, but she's unable to form coherent thoughts.

She's writing post-op notes for a patient, toward the end of the day. She heard from Christina that afternoon that Derek's surgery went okay, but there wasn't much they could do except for wait now. She had just nodded.

As far as she knew Addison hadn't left the room all day.

Suddenly, something coming over the intercom catches her attention. "Code Blue, fourth floor. Code Blue, fourth floor."

Her heart nearly stops. Fourth floor. Derek's floor.

She shoves the clipboard at the bewildered nurse next to her and runs up two flights of stairs, sick to her stomach, her throat tight, barely breathing.

She runs by a door and notices the code team inside, shocking the patient's heart. She freezes and stares.

Derek's room is across the hall. His door is slightly ajar, and she glances in. He's still lying there, unchanged since this morning. Addison sits in a chair beside him.

Meredith feels a rush of relief. For now, he's fine.

Her heart is still pounding, and she moves slowly down the hallway, her vision blurring as she steps into the supply closet and sinks onto the floor.

Only now does she begin to cry.

**So, yeah, that's all for this chapter. Sorry it took a while to update but our computer had a virus. Anyway, I decided to go with the coma thing for awhile, but believe me, that's not the central plot, just the 'rising action' as English teachers everywhere would say. The main story has barely started, so keep reading. REVIEW this.**


	4. Secret Visits

_**Hey guys! I'm SO sorry this update has taken so long, but first I got grounded, then I was on a kind of finale high for awhile, and plus, this chapter has been really hard to right. This is that last one that sort of sets up the storyline I've been aiming for this whole time, but getting enough stuff in to set it all up has been hard. Anyway, I think it turned out okay, and everything's going to start picking up the pace now, both the story and the updates (if you review of course, which you've all been great about so far). Anyway, hope you enjoy this! Hope to have the next chapter up by tomorrow.**_

**Meredith**

Meredith had her face pressed into her arms, tears that earlier wouldn't seem to come now streaming endlessly down her face. She feels her whole body wracking with hard sobs.

The door opens and Christina, who was on her way to check on Derek when Meredith ducked inside, stands there staring. Her eyes widen instantly and she wonders for a brief, selfish moment if she can duck out before Meredith sees. Then she thinks how dumb that is, and, knowing that she is not good at this at all, sits down next to her best friend and closes the door.

After an awkward silence, Christina says uncertainly, "You want me to page Izzie?" Meredith manages to shake her head. "Cuz, no offense, but you look like you need a hug and you know this is _me."_ Meredith nods slightly and Christina stares at her in sympathy, a wave of anger hitting her as she thinks of Addison keeping Meredith away from that room. Meredith would be hurting either way, she knows, but it would be easier if she wasn't feeling so distant from all of this. . .

Christina lifts a hand and rests it on Meredith's shoulder, mad at herself for being too _awkward_ to do anything else. But Meredith knows this, and Christina hopes she understands.

Finally, Meredith starts crying enough to speak, her voice coming out in quick bursts of breath, "I heard. . .code blue. . .I thought it was D-Derek. . .and. . ." She stops, shaking her head.

"But it wasn't Derek." Christina's voice is surprisingly soothing. "He's fine. His surgery went fine, and there's no reason why he shouldn't be fine. . ." She knows this is a very unprofessional thing to say, as Derek's doctor. But as Meredith's friend, for once in her life, Christina feels as if she 's said the right thing.

"I just. . .I can't. . .I need to. . .I need to see him." Meredith is bawling, and she feels almost embarrassed, knowing how Christina is about stuff like this.

Christina's anger toward Addison is mounting. "I know you do." She can't think of anything else. "It'll be okay." Her voice is desperate. "Hey, as soon as Addison gets away from his room, I'll page you. Okay?"

Meredith nods again, trying hard to get her voice under control, "Stupid, really. . .me seeing him isn't going to change anything. . ."

"It won't make him better." Christina agrees honestly. "But it'll help you."

Christina's pager goes off, and she looks at Meredith. "Listen, I have to go. I'll page you if Addison leaves, okay?"

Meredith nods. Christina gives her a quick, awkward, one armed hug and leaves the closet.

Meredith feels the sobs building up again and she stifles them. Wiping her face best she can, she stands and leaves the closet and walks down the corridor, lingering for a moment outside Derek's door until Addison stands up from the chair she's in and Meredith heads away, not wanting another confrontation.

She goes through the rest of her day hoping for a page from Christina, but it doesn't come. Clearly Addison isn't leaving.

She goes straight home from the hospital. Her friends are relieved she didn't head straight for Joe's, and Izzie follows her inside the house, clearly hoping to 'talk'.

"Izzie, I'm fine-"

"Christina said you flipped out in a _closet_."

Meredith rolls her eyes. "I started crying, Izzie. Only Christina would say that was flipping out." She's walking up the stairs and Izzie is still following her.

"Oh. Good point." Izzie still doesn't stop.

Meredith turns around the face her outside her bedroom door. "Listen, Izzie, I appreciate the pity or the support or whatever. . ."

"Meredith, I'm just-"

"I know. But I just. . .I _can't. _Okay? I can't talk about this, I don't want to. I just want to try to go to sleep and forget about it for awhile."

"Okay."

XXXXXXXXX

But of course, Meredith can't sleep.

What was the last thing she said to him? Oh, right. "You want me out of your life, fine. Get the hell out of mine. Just stay away from me."

She winces. The sane part of her knows he deserved that. Knows he doesn't deserve it.

It doesn't matter, though. If he dies, that's the last thing she would've said to him.

She remembers his voice called her name, telling her to wait. She remembers the way she didn't let herself look back as she stepped off the elevator. The way he looked in the hospital.

Tears pour from her eyes and she barely notices them.

XXXXXXXX

The next day, Meredith is doing rounds when her pager goes off. She glances at it and sees it's Christina.

She runs to the elevator, her heart pounding, riding to the fourth floor. Has Addison left? Or is something wrong?

Christina is waiting for her outside Derek's hospital room. "Go on. Addison went home to get some clothes or something, so I don't know how long you'll have." Meredith starts to go in and Christina grabs her arm. "I was talking to Burke about this morning. You know me, I have to have a scientific basis for everything but Burke. . .Burke's more, like, y'know 'anything is possible' crap." Meredith gives her an impatient look. "Anyway, he says we don't know how much comatose patients are aware of, subconsciously or whatever. And, like, talking to them doesn't hurt, and it could help, and he gave this really long story about some patient who's wife talked to him and he-"

"Christina."

"Right, sorry. Anyway, Burke says talk to him, so I was just. . .passing it on."

"Yeah, okay, thanks, Christina." Meredith gives Christina a quick, grateful smile, then steps inside, closing the door behind her.

Derek looks the same as he did yesterday. Meredith can barely breathe for a moment. She walks closer to him and takes the chair Addison has been occupying for the past day.

"Oh, God. . ." She whispers out loud without realizing it. She reaches up and touches the deep gash across his cheek, her throat tightening painfully. They said he was drinking.

She slips her hand into his. It's somewhat disconcerting, as his is limp, as if lifeless.

She wonders what she can possibly say. She knows none of it will make her feel better. . .she'll never believe he'll hear anything.

So she just sits there, staring at him, the reality slowly and painfully hitting her. The tears start, as she knew they would. "God, Derek. . . I love you." She breathes softly, not even aware she's speaking out loud.

"Please be okay. You _cannot _die, Derek." She whispers desperately, but it's more for her own sake then his. She just feels so helpless. "I'm sorry." This statement comes out of nowhere; Meredith isn't even sure what she has to be sorry about. For what she said? Maybe. But it had needed saying.

_"Meredith, wait. . ."_

She remembers the sadness, the desperate tone to his voice as he called after her when she stormed out of the elevator. Sobs choke her. She brings his hand to her lips. She almost expects his eyes to open.

She doesn't know how long she sits there. Christina opens the door and tells her she'd better come on, Addison's back and on her way.

Hesitating, she leans down close to Derek and whispers desperately, "I love you." She turns to Christina, who's looking at her sadly, and they leave the room.

In the next two days, Meredith visits Derek maybe four times, all painfully short. Then, late at night after Izzie and George and Alex have left the hospital, Christina finds Meredith in the basement (I don't remember what this area is called, the one they're always sitting in during the pilot and on after that, with the snack machines and stuff), lying on one of the unused stretchers.

"Mer, a patient of Addison's needed an emergency C-section, and wanted her to do it. Addison's not in his room now, if you want to-"

Meredith is on her feet before Christina has finished speaking and she goes up to Derek's room and takes her usual chair.

She needs to be in there, needs to be near him, see that he still has a heartbeat. She woke up last night in tears, thinking he was dead, and needed to call the hospital to make sure he was okay.

Meredith puts her hand in his. The last two days have been hell. Her friends are worried about her. She can't eat, she can't stop crying, and she's woken up screaming two nights in a row.

She wishes to go back a few days, before he was hurt, and she would have stopped blaming him. He was just trying to do what he thought was right, and no matter how much it hurt. . .God, if he would only live, she would stop blaming him. . .

"I'm so sorry." She says this a lot. It's stupid, really. . .he did lie, after all. But all that seems unimportant now. "I love you." She says this a lot, too. Probably just as stupid, and even more pointless.

She remembers what Burke told Christina about talking to coma patients, how no one knows how much they understand. She thinks of the regret in Derek's eyes over the past few weeks when he tries to apologize.

"It's okay, Derek. You just live, and none of the rest of it matters." If only she could know if he understood.

Later, she's lying there, feeling helpless and afraid, watching him intently for some sign of movement when Christina comes in. "Mer? Addison's out of surgery."

"Thanks." Meredith's voice is hoarse from all the crying and talking. She takes her hand out of Derek's but doesn't move. She grips the bed sheets for a moment, always terrified when she leaves him that it will be the last time she sees him.

Suddenly, his fingers move over on top of her hand, which is lying next to his on the bed.

Meredith lets out a cry of surprise. Recovering, she moves close to him, her heart pounding painfully. "Derek?"

His eyelids flutter and a small moan escapes from his lips.

"Derek. . ." She's shaking and her eyes have filled with tears. "Derek, come on, open your eyes. . ."

He does. His eyes dart around the room, looking lost and confused, than settle on her. "Mer. . .Meredith. . ."

She slips her hand into his, squeezing it gently, her face wet with tears but smiling. She forgets everything he's done over the past few weeks; at that moment, none of it matters.

"Yeah, I'm here. . .you're okay now. . ."

His voice is hoarse and raspy. "I. . .it was a car crash?"

She nods, her throat too tight to speak.

"Sorry, Mer. . .I was being. . .stupid. . .really stupid. . ." He closes his eyes again, groaning slightly in pain.

"It's okay." She whispers. "But drinking will do that to you."

"Not just. . .car crash. . ." He mumbles. "Everything. . ."

She puts her hand on his face. "I know."

"What are _you _doing-" The voice stops. Meredith turns. Addison. "Derek!"

Christina runs up to the doorway in time to hear that. "He's awake?"

"Go." Addison says quickly to Meredith, taking her place next to Derek. "Derek. . .thank God you're okay."

Meredith moves out into the hallway and Christina follows. Meredith leans against the wall and closes her eyes. "He's okay. . ." she says weakly.

"He is." Christina's smiling. "Well, I gotta go be his doctor now."

"Okay." She pauses. "Hey, Christina. . .you think I'm still not allowed to. . .be in there?"

"C'mon Mer, Addison was the only one stopping you. Derek will want to see you."

"Yeah?" She smiles nervously. " I need to talk to him, I just. . .I have to."

Christina's smile wavers. "Meredith, I know. . .I know you were really scared that he was going to die and you're just glad he's, like, alive. But. . ." Meredith's smile fades slightly and is replaced by a quizzical look and Christina hesitates.

"But what?"

"Just. . .almost dying doesn't get him a pass. Don't forget what he did. What's he's been doing."

Meredith is quiet for a moment. Then, "I know. It's just that. . .all that doesn't seem important."

Christina meets her gaze. "And don't forget that he has a wife. He still has a wife."

Meredith nods impatiently. Christina can see from the expression on her face that she doesn't want to hear this, not now.

Christina nods back and walks into Derek's room.

Meredith stays outside his room, trying to focus on the fact that Derek is alive. He's alive, he's going to be fine. But Christina's words repeat themselves somewhere in the back of her mind.


	5. Blurry

**Hey guys, the reviews have been awesome! Thanks to everyone who's reading this, recommend it if ya can! Hope you like this chapter. And in response to what someone said, yeah I'm writing Addison as a bit of a bitch, and I realize she's not so much on the show, but I don't like her because I think she's selfish, and I'm only exaggerating a little. Anyway, review this and also check out my new post-finale story Polaris, which I'll update hopefully within the next day.**

**Derek**

The room is blurred. The pain is intense and he's confused as hell. Bits and pieces of memory come shooting back to him in reverse order. . .

Letting go of the steering wheel.

Storming away from Addison in the car.

Drinking. Oh, the drinking. . .

Yelling at Addison in the trailer.

Meredith yelling at him in the elevator.

Meredith's face is the first thing he sees, her voice is the first thing he hears, distant and far away. Her hand in his. Then she was gone, suddenly. He hears voices murmuring around them. Everything's blurring together. He had wanted to say he was sorry to her. Had he? Had she even been there?

His head hurts.

Addison's standing over him. Or sitting. He can't tell. Her hand is in his, rubbing it gently. "Thank God you're okay, Derek. . ."

He can barely make out what she's saying. His head is pounding. He mutters at her, "My head. . .feels like. . ."

"Like you ran your car into a ditch, I expect." She gives a nervous little laugh. Her voice sounds abnormally slow to Derek.

He closes his eyes, trying to think. Meredith was there, where Addison is now. What had she said? What did he say?

"Addison. . .I needed to tell. . .I need. . ."

"What is it?"

"Dr. Shepard?" This voice is new. Dr. Yang comes into his view, right next to Addison. "Do you know who I am?"

"Dr. Yang."

"Do you know who she is?"

"Addison."

"Okay, good. Do you know what happened to you?"

"Car crash."

"Alright. I'm just going to give you something for the pain. You're a little groggy right now, but you should be fully awake soon. You're a lucky guy."

He nods, wanting to ask her something. She's Meredith's friend, she'll know where she is. "Christina, where. . ." Addison's looking at him. He stops. Not in front of her. "Nothing."

**Addison**

Dr. Yang leaves the room, eyeing her as she does. Addison smiles down at her husband, but inwardly she's concerned.

Meredith was here when he woke up. Addison doesn't like that. She doesn't like the fact that Derek will remember any moment that it was something Addison did that drove him to drinking.

Part of her wants to apologize, but she holds back, not sure how much he remembers. Something he said sticks in her mind.

_"If you love he, why did you choose me?"_

_"Right now, I'm not sure."_

He loves Meredith. She just got him back and she's going to lose him again. He nearly killed himself over her.

Soon, as Derek becomes more alert, Addison decides to test him. "I was so worried about you, when you drove off like that, Derek."

"Yeah." He's studying the wall. "I was mad."

"I'm sorry." Her voice is soft. Then, with the words tumbling out before she can think, "I was sitting here thinking about it, sure you were going to die and it was going to be my fault, when I felt your hand move."

Derek looks at her questioningly. "You. . .you weren't here when I woke up." He closes his eyes, shaking his head, as if trying to grasp the memory. "Were you?"

"Yeah, I. . .who did you think?"

Derek studies her face. "Meredith." He admits.

Addison winces. "She hasn't been in here Derek, not that I know of. I've been with you all week and she never came in." Not really a lie, completely. Addison had kept her out while she was there.

"Oh." His face is still confused, his voice doubtful.

She puts hurt in her voice. "But, Derek. . . I'm here. Me, your wife, remember."

"You lied to her." His voice is accusing. "You told her stuff from our counseling session. . ."

Addison doesn't answer. She's fighting tears. Lie on top of lie. She's disgusted with herself. But it doesn't stop.

"That's why she hasn't come. . .she's mad at me because of what you told her!"

"Derek. . .we thought you were going to die. Surely. . ." She swallows hard, pressing forward because it's too late. "Surely a fight wouldn't have kept someone who loves you away when you were about to die." Crossing the line. She's crossing the line. It's pathetic really, what she has to say to her husband to keep him focused on her. She knows its pathetic, but she does it anyway.

Derek is silent. His eyes are devoid of any affection for his wife as he looks at her, but slowly they fill with hurt. His voice is low, almost to himself. "She didn't come at all."

A lone tear rolls down Addison's cheek and she wipes impatiently at it. The hurt in his voice over that. . .he loves Meredith. She is suddenly exhausted. She doesn't feel like fighting for something that isn't hers. But it's too late to go back now that she's said it. "No."

**Derek**

A few hours pass. He's trying to think. Trying to remember everything about his and Meredith's conversations the day before the accident. Trying to think about how bad things had been.

"I need to see her." Addison looks at him, startled. He knows this isn't the type of declaration he should be making in front of his wife, but he's past caring about what Addison thinks. "I need to talk to her."

Addison stares at him in exasperation. "Derek, why are we even bothering? I was scared to death, thinking I'd lose you, lose you while we were angry at each other, and all you've talked about since you woke up is Meredith, who couldn't even be bothered to. . ." Her voice trails off.

He stares at his wife, and his shoulders slump as the anger melts into frustration. "I'm sorry. I'm not making this easy am I? Us trying, I mean."

Addison looks at him, surprised. "No."

"It's hard." He offers as an explanation.

Addison comes over and sets her hand on his arm. "I know. We both made mistakes."

Derek looks at her skeptically.

She sighs, and says sarcastically, "Fine, you didn't make any mistakes. You were the perfect husband."

The anger is returning. "What I did was no excuse for you _cheating _on me, Addison! I worked a lot, but so did you. So, come to think of it, did _Mark_."

Addison is quiet.

"You didn't love me then, Addison. Otherwise you wouldn't have done what you did. You never once complained, never once talked to me about things. . .you just sunk to that level without trying anything else. And now I have someone who actually loves me-"

"Someone who doesn't even come to see you when you almost _died!_" Her face is red, and she's standing now, her eyes shining with tears.

Derek is getting angrier but he keeps talking as if she didn't speak. "And I love her-"

"But you didn't pick her! You chose _me_! I didn't make you! You can't keep blaming me, because I gave you the choice, so if you don't like it, it's your fault! And I've sat here beside you for days while you almost died, never leaving, and what do I get? She ignores you and-"

"Get _out! _I can_not_ deal with you now, I don't want to, so just leave." Derek's eyes are fixed on her, expression murderous.

"FINE!" Addison whirls and leaves the hospital room.

Seconds later, Bailey enters the room. "Dr. Shepard, what's going on? You need to keep the stress down-"

"Yeah, right." He mutters. "Fat chance of that with Addison around."

Bailey smiles a little. "Rough spot in the marriage?"

"It's all rough."

Bailey chuckles softly. "Don't be so hard on yourselves. That kind of damage takes some time to fix. But you can do it. . .if you want to." Her eyebrows shoot up. "Or is that the problem? You don't want to fix it?"

Derek is quiet. "I want. . .I don't know what I want." Staring at the wall, he asks casually. "Meredith around?"

Bailey looks at him knowingly. "Around here somewhere. Want me to get her?"

"Yeah. . .well. . ." He hesitates. "No. She's mad at me, so. . .could you just tell her. . ." He falls silent, searching for the words.

"Mad at you?" Bailey frowns. She saw Meredith an hour ago, right after Derek woke up. She looked anything but angry.

"Yeah, we had a fight before the accident." Bailey is staring at him quizzically, but he doesn't notice. "My fault. Just tell her. . .tell her I'm sorry."

Bailey nods slowly. "I can do that. Sure you don't want me to send her down here?"

He shakes his head again, though tempted. "No, she. . .she'll come if she wants to."

Bailey nods, a perplexed look still on her face, and leaves.

**Meredith **

"Dr.Grey!"

Meredith turns. Bailey is striding toward her. "You get the post-op notes on 345?"

Meredith nods.

"Okay, well I just saw Shepard. He's doing fine."

Meredith's eyes light up. "Really? He's going to be okay?"

"He's going to be fine." Bailey can't help but smile at her intern.

Meredith closes her eyes. "I want. . .I want to see him. When he was. . .when he was in a coma, I could barely believe he could die. Now I. . .I can't believe he's alive. I need to see him again, be sure."

Bailey looks at her closely. "Addison's gone." Her voice is quiet, uncertain. She's still trying to make sense of Derek thinking Meredith was mad at him. "And he told me to tell you something. He said he's sorry."

Meredith stares. "Sorry?"

"Yeah, he said. . .that you're mad at him for some fight you had before the accident." Bailey shrugs.

Meredith shakes her head. "I'm not mad. How could I be mad when he was lying there in a coma-"

"I'm just passing on what he said. Go tell him yourself. I think he wants to see you."

Meredith nods and heads off in that direction.

Outside his room, his door slightly ajar, she pauses, hearing voices, afraid it's Addison come back. She listens and hears it's Christina. ". . .she's around here somewhere."

Derek is talking. "Look, I want you to tell her something. I know she didn't come see me, but I don't care, I just-"

"Whoa, whoa. What?"

Meredith, who has started to push the door the rest of the way open, stops cold, listening.

"She didn't come see me. Here, in the hospital. I mean, I know I screwed up. Just tell her I'm sorry and I need-"

"Wait. Back up. She didn't come _see _you? Addison practically banned her from the room, and she was in here sitting with you every time Addison was gone-"

"Wh-what?"

Meredith can't believe this. That's shock in Derek's voice. Real, complete shock.

"YES! Who the hell told you she wasn't?"

Derek's voice is quiet. "Addison."

"And you _believed _her!"

Meredith slowly backs away. She wasn't angry before, despite what Derek thought. . .but she's angry now. Angry and hurt. She can't believe Derek would believe something like that. . .believe his Addison that Meredith wouldn't have come and seen him while he was possibly dying.

Did he really think she cared that little? Does he not get that she is in love with him? How could he think she had been anything but terrified for him? Who did he think was there when he woke up? He'd _talked _to her!

**Derek**

Addison lied. Again. And he actually believed her.

Derek stares at Christina, dumbfounded, when he sees a flash in the doorway. "Meredith." He says quietly.

"What?" Christina glances outside, spotting her friend trying to move out of view. She stares down at Shepard. "She wasn't mad at you before. Can't say the same now."

"Meredith!" His voice is loud, desperate. He's hoping she hears him, hoping she'll come back in.

Slowly she walks into the frame of the doorway. She gives him a look, and the look stops the apologies piling up in his throat. The rushed explanations he was already planning. The look silences them. So full of hurt, disappointment. He knows what she's thinking. 'How could he have thought I'd _do _that?' Now, thinking back, he realizes he should have questioned it. But he wasn't in a questioning mood. He'd just. . .believed her.

But he hadn't been angry! Shouldn't that have counted for something.

Meredith turns from his doorway and walks away.


	6. The Hardest Thing and the Right Thing

**I know, insanely cruel amount of time since the last update. I appreciate everyone who reviewed, and everyone who is still reading this. IN my defense I got grounded (This happens a lot, really) and then exams came up…but school's out and I have a lot of time, and a lot of Grey's Anatomy withdrawal. So I"ll be updating this one more. I also added the next chapter of my post-finale fic Polaris like yesterday I think. So check that out. As always reviews (especially long ones, but I'm not picky, lol) will get this updated faster. And this chapter is kind of short, but I needed this conversation to happen. Everything else has kind of built up to it. SO keep reading.**

**As usual, I don't own Grey's. I also don't own the lyrics to "Goodbye to You" by Michelle Branch, which I use later on.**

**Meredith**

Meredith opens the door to the locker room, seething. She's trying to imagine it. Derek waking up from the coma. Imagining Addison telling him that she never came to see him, never wanted to. Her fists clench involuntarily. Imagining him saying, "Oh." Not questioning it.

Her eyes burn with angry tears. She kicks someone's abandoned coat on the floor and falls onto the bench.

Christina comes into the locker room, wearing an uncertain expression. "You okay?"

Meredith laughs humorlessly. "Fantastic." She looks at Christina. "How could he believe her?"

"He was confused. She probably told him all that while he was groggy and sedated." Christina attempts a smile.

"I was there when he woke up, Christina! He _talked _to me."

"Sometimes coma patients are unclear about what happened when they first woke up…you know that." She sighs. "I'm not saying it's okay, Meredith. He should have known better. But you have to get the circumstances."

Meredith gives her an incredulous look. "Hi, I'm Meredith, but I don't believe we've met. You are…?" She sticks out her hand, but Christina shoves it away, rolling her eyes.

"Meredith, seriously, what have I told you about using sarcasm? It's not for everyone. Besides, that didn't make sense."

"It made perfect sense. Since when do _you_ stick up for Derek? You were the one telling me earlier that almost dying doesn't get him a pass."

Christina looks at her pityingly, speaking with a patronizing air as though talking to someone extremely dim. "A pass for the things he did _before_ the car accident. Afterwards…I mean, he had brain damage, he didn't know what he was saying…I don't know, okay? But it does make sense. If you're pissed off, go yell at him. Go find out what the hell he was thinking." Meredith looks at her blankly. "Just _go."_

Meredith is quiet for a moment, then she stands. "Screw this passive crap. I'm going to find out what the hell he was thinking."

"Brilliant idea." Christina rolls her eyes.

Meredith leaves the locker room and heads to the fourth floor. She's made the trip countless times in the past few days. In her head, she rehearses everything she's going to say to him. Not even give him a chance to speak.

She reaches the door to his hospital room and throws it open. Simultaneously, an announcement comes on the loudspeaker. "Code Blue, fourth floor. Code Blue, fourth floor."

Meredith freezes, flashing back to the time a few days ago when that announcement could have meant Derek. When she'd freaked out.

He looks up from his hospital bed and stares at her, and she looks back, all the words she'd prepared drained from her. She suddenly remembers the pure terror of the past few days and she stares at him, blinking at her in surprise.

Suddenly, the anger is gone and she's fighting tears.

How crazy is she?

So she stands in the doorway, blinking tears back, her mouth twisting as she keeps back sobs.

Derek looks a little startled, but he pushes forward anyway. "Meredith, listen I am _so-"_

"Don't." She manages to get the word out. "You don't have to, okay? I know you're sorry, and it…it doesn't matter."

"Okay." He says softly. "But I am."

She nods, then says, her voice cracking, "I thought you were gonna die…"

**Derek**

He stares at her, hovering in the doorway, obviously trying not to cry. His heart is melting for her, and suddenly he hates himself even more for the way he's been acting. For hurting her.

"Come here."

She nods, and walks closer to the bed, hesitating slightly before sitting down on the edge. He slips his hand into hers. Tears escape from her eyes and slide down her face.

"You know, you are _not _easy to hate." She tells him, impatiently brushing at her cheeks. "As soon as I get okay at it you go and do something like get in a car crash…or, I don't know, you just…." She looks down, away from his face.

"Sorry about that. I guess I'm just too loveable, huh?" She makes a noise that sounds like half-laugh, half-sob, and he gently brushes the tears from her face. His voice is serious now. "I'm okay, now. I'm going to be fine."

She nods. "Yeah."

He pulls her down so she's lying on his chest. He strokes her hair, and she cries into the thin hospital gown.

**Meredith**

So much for telling him off.

She feels his arms around her, his hands gently stroking her hair, and she can't stop crying: big, baby sobs that make her feel about four years old.

But he's alive. And that's all she cares about. She feels as if the reality that he almost wasn't has just now hit.

She lies there for awhile, and he holds her, letting her cry. When her sobs have subsided, he speaks softly. "Mer…we should talk. I think I made a mistake."

She raises her face to look at him. Her heart is pounding, but she pretends she doesn't know what he means. "When?"

"When I picked Addison." She searches his face. He's dead serious.

"Derek…" Shit. He's going to make this hard on her.

"No, I'm serious. I'm in love with you. How could that not be enough?" He's smiling uncertainly at her, as if he doesn't understand why she's not ecstatic.

"_Damn_ it, Derek…." _Now _he decides this?

"What!" He's generally mystified.

She forces herself to meet his eyes. "You can't just…you can't just go back like that. You made your choice-"

"I made a _mistake_!"

"No, you didn't!" He stares at her in surprise. If he only had any idea how much she hated to say this… "Derek, you did not make a mistake. You picked her for a reason, and you've just had…you've just had a pretty traumatic experience. You have to think this through."

"Meredith, I don't need to-"

"You can_not _do this to me, okay? Not again, Derek, because I can't take it anymore." She pulls back from him and stands up.

"What the hell, Meredith? I'm saying I…I wish I'd picked you."

"No you don't." Her voice is quiet. "Because…look, I didn't want to understand why you chose Addison. I wanted to hate you for it, and I wanted to sit around and bitch about you made the wrong choice, because I tried not to understand…but I _do_. You're not the kind of guy who could just walk away from a marriage without even trying to make it work."

"Maybe I should be." His voice is stubborn.

Her eyes soften. "No, you shouldn't. You wouldn't be you if you weren't the kind of person who's trying to make it work."

_Of all the things I've believed in_

_I just want to get it over with_

He fixes the opposite wall with a hard glare. "What's so bad about that? Not being me, I mean? Clearly, I'm an ass. Clearly I'm an idiot, what with the whole drinking and driving crap. I would think I'd want to be as un-me as I can get."

She slips his hand into hers, and he turns his eyes to look at her. "I love you." She tells him simply. "Even with all the idiocy and being an ass." She tries to smile, the kind of smile that hurts her face to hold. Her eyes glisten with tears, but she wills herself not to start crying, not again, because then she won't be able to hold out against him.

_Tears form behind my eyes_

_But I do not cry_

_Counting the days that past me by_

"Thanks." His voice is as quiet as hers. He's quiet for a moment, then shakes his head. "You don't understand, Mer. I didn't either, at first…I thought I could move on, but now…I know I won't. Even if I forgive her, get past the adultery thing…she won't be enough for me. She's not you."

"Give it time." Her voice is forced. She wants so much to agree with him, forget everything that ever interrupted them and pick up right where they left off.

"Fuck time!" His voice is louder now. "That's not going to make this go away. Meredith…I want _you _not Addison!"

_I've been searching deep down in my soul_

_Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old_

"You're too late, Derek! You are too damn late!" She's getting upset now. This is torture. "Where was all of this a couple weeks ago when I gave you that whole stupid speech? We can't go back and pretend it never happened!"

_Feels like I'm starting all over again_

_The last three years were just pretend_

_And I said_

"We don't have to, Meredith! We can just move on from it!"

"_No_. You'll always wonder what would have happened if you'd tried with her. You'll always feel guilty for just giving up on a marriage! I don't want that. I want you to be sure about us! I don't want it to be something you realized after a car crash because you feel guilty or scared or whatever it is that's making you do this." She takes a long, shaky breath. "You have to take the time to try with Addison. You chose to."

_Goodbye to you_

_Goodbye to everything I thought I knew_

He pulls her close again, trying to force her to keep eye contact, but she's fighting it. "You don't have to be so noble, Meredith."

"I'm not." There's anger in his eyes, and in his voice, and she hates that. He can't see how much this is killing her. "I don't want you if you're not sure." Anticipating his next comment, she rushes on. "And you're not. If you hadn't chosen her first…" The rest of her sentence hangs in the air, and Meredith presses her lips together and closes her eyes. There are a lot of 'ifs' here.

_You were the one I loved_

_The one thing that I tried to hold on to_

His voice is quiet. "You know I almost died today? I came like this close." He slips his hand into hers and squeezes. "How would you feel if I died, and you didn't get a chance to go out with _me_?" His mouth is smiling as he repeats the line he gave her so long ago (not really so long, but damn, it feels like another lifetime), but his eyes are clouded with sadness.

"Stop." She begs him, pulling back slightly. "Just stop, Derek, please, I can't take this…" If he keeps looking at her like that, talking like that…she'll become too weak.

_I used to get lost in your eyes_

_And it seems that I can't live a day without you_

**Derek**

She's crying again, different from before. Before he knew it was because she was relieved he was okay, knew she was just emotional over everything….this is different. Worse somehow. The tears just roll quietly down her face and Meredith doesn't appear to notice them. Her eyes are broken. Her voice pleading. He hates seeing her like this.

_Closing my eyes _

_And you chase my thoughts away_

But a part of him can't understand this. She goes on about how he needs to try at his marriage, and he knows this is probably true, but why won't she just listen to him when he says it's not going to work out? He has no intention of falling OUT of love with Meredith….he doubts he could even if he wanted to.

"Mer, I know you think I'm going to regret it…I won't. These past few weeks with Addison…they've been hell. We fight all the time, I can't stop thinking about you…."

_To a place where I am blinded by the light_

_And it's not right_

"_Stop_!" She says again, her voice more forceful this time.

"Stop what!"

"Stop making this harder than it already is! I already told you that it's too late for us now! You made a choice to try with Addison, you have to do it! You had your chance, Derek. You picked her for a reason, and even if you can't see it right now…" Her voice cracks. "You _are _the type of guy who's going to try to make it work. Even if you don't want to be, and even if I wish you weren't."

_Goodbye to you_

_Goodbye to everything I thought I knew_

_You were the one I love _

_The one thing that I tried to hold on to_

He starts to protest more, but he can see the pain in her eyes and he just nods, a lump forming in his throat. "What…what if I'm right? What if I'm right and I can never get past it?"

She's silent for a moment, just looking at him. Then, finally, "I don't know."

_And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time_

_I want what's yours and I want what's mine_

He squeezes his eyes shut for a minute. "Don't say I didn't try."

"I know."

He takes her hand and pulls her close to him, and she doesn't resist. He kisses her, long and soft. "I _do _love you, Meredith."

_I want you _

_But I'm not giving in this time_

Her own I love you, too gets stuck in her throat. She nods, her voice barely a whisper, "I know. But right now…it's not enough." She turns to leave his room, then turns. "I'm glad you didn't die, Derek." She closes the door behind her.

_Goodbye to you_

_Goodbye to everything I thought I knew_

_You were the one I loved_

_The one thing that I tried to hold on to._


	7. Movie Night and Ferryboats again

**Thanks for all the reviews, guys! As always, you're all awesome.**

**This chapter was interesting for me to write. I wanted to take a break from the angst at the beginning, but not necessarily have any 'romantic' fluff, because that doesn't suit the story at this point. I just wanted to write some fun scenes. So movie night came into play. And it kind of got longer than I intended. I had fun writing it. But of course, I brought it back to the drama, because I LOVE drama. There was a certain amount of drama I wanted to get in before the 'cliffhanger' but the movie scene got so long that I'm holding off on the cliffhanger until the next chapter, which I'll be posting tomorrow, depending of course, on the reviews I get. Hope you like this chapter, although its not terribly eventful, it all leads up to tomorrows stuff.**

"Wanna watch a movie?"

"No."

"Come on."

"No."

Meredith's 'no's are monotonous, dull and exhausted. It's nearly ten. She'd just had the fight with Derek earlier that day. Her door is closed, which was supposed to indicate a request for privacy.

No such luck.

Izzie knocks again, as though this might change her mind. "It'll be fun. We'll make popcorn."

"No."

George's voice joined her."Come on, Mer, don't you want to have fun with us?"

"No."

Izzie again. "You need to relax. It's been a stressful few days."

"No."

The pounding on her door gets louder. Then it's Christina's voice, yelling. "Meredith, they called me and made me come over. They're making me watch a CHICK flick. You WILL get your ass down here and have a FUN MOVIE NIGHT."

"No."

The voices are muffled now. Christina says something about a hairpin. A few seconds later, her door flies open. Christina holds up a pin triumphantly. "Picked the lock. Nice try."

Meredith, who was laying flat on her back in bed, lifts her head slightly to look at Christina. "I'm not in the mood."

Chritina spends a few moments studying her friend, then turns to George and Izzie, who are standing uncertainly in the hallway. "Give me a minute. Go make the popcorn. And call Alex. If I have to do this so does he."

They nod and hurry off. Christina closes the door behind her. "What is it?" There's a weariness in her voice that no one but Meredith could have detected. The last part of her sentence seems to hang in the air, unspoken: What is it THIS TIME?

"Don't bother. It's nothing."

"Still pissed at Derek?"

"No."

"Then what? What happened when you talked?"

"Nothing. I told him it was okay. What he'd done. We're fine."

"Meredith, you can't lie to me. So you're wasting our time trying. You've been crying." This is delivered in a bored, matter-of-fact voice.

"Okay, something happened. I don't want to talk about it. Fair enough?"

"Fine. But I'm either staying here until you tell me, or you're coming down to be tortured with Bambi and Tinker Bell's little movie night."

Meredith pauses, weighing the options. Then she sighs and stands up from her bed. "What movie?"

"Don't know, but you can bet it'll suck."

Downstairs. Izzie is apparently giddy with excitement that Meredith has decided to join them. "Awesome, this'll be so much fun! We could make it a regular thing, you know, movie night!"

Christina smiles falsely at Izzie, but when Izzie turns she holds her fingers to her head like a gun. "Pow."

The doorbell rings and Meredith opens it to see Alex. "Hey." She says glumly.

"Back at ya. You seem cheery."

"Oh, you noticed." She rolls her eyes and they return to the living room, where Izzie and George are laying out bowls of popcorn.

"Hey, Alex."

He's looking suspiciously at the stacks of DVDs on the television. "What's going on? I thought we were watching Meredith's moms surgery tapes?"

Christina smirks at him. "Even better, Evil Spawn. Welcome to the first annual Izzie Stevens 'movie night'."

"The first of many." Izzie adds with a grin.

"Movie night?" Alex winces. Izzie pulls him by the arm into the kitchen for a moment. Seconds later, they emerge with drinks and Alex's pained look is off his face.

George shoves a popcorn bowl at Meredith. "See, this'll be fun, right? I even let Izzie pick out chick flicks."

Alex groans loudly, and Meredith raises her eyebrows. "You LET her? You probably like chick flicks more than me."

Alex and Christina snicker quietly and George reddens. "Well, there's no need to stereotype..."

"Whatever, Bambi." Alex is pulling his shoes off as he falls onto the couch. "Excellent, so we're going to have a little sob fest going on?"

"Speak for yourself." Meredith sits next to him. "I don't cry in movies."

Christina laughs. "Neither do I."

Alex grabs a box of tissue from the coffee table and tosses it to George. "You can hang on to these then."

"Shut up."

"Yeah, Alex." Izzie glares at him. "I admire a guy who's not afraid to cry."

Alex's grin fades at this and he scowls. Christina makes retching noises, and George yells indignantly, "I do NOT cry in movies."

"Whatever." Izzie studies the pile of DVDs. "So we've got all the classic chick flicks. What you guys want to watch first?"

"I don't know 'classic' chick flicks." Alex tells her. "I need titles."

"Um, okay...Say Anything?"

"_No_." Meredith says quickly. _Hold a radio over my head outside your window..._she winces at the memory of the speech to Derek. No reminders.

"Okay, um, _When Harry Met Sally_?"

"Is that the one with the orgasm?" Alex asks seriously.

Izzie stares at him. "It's the one about the two friends who fall in love." He raises his eyebrows at her and smiles slightly; she reddens. "No." She rifles through the DVDs. "Sleepless in Seattle."

"No." This is Christina.

"Terms of Endearment?"

"Damn, Izzie."

"The Notebook."

"Sure, then afterwards we could all go jump in front of cars."

"Would you two SHUT UP?"

Christina and Alex are in hysterics. Meredith sighs, bored. She doesn't want to watch a chick flick. She doesn't want to see happy endings. She'll just sit there and think _fake fake fake._

Alex looks at Izzie seriously. "Are there any good ones in there?"

She stares at him in exasperation. "What's your idea of a 'good' movie, Alex?"

He considers. "Fight Club."

"Ugh. All about the macho, survival crap, aren't you?"

"Have you even seen it?"

"Parts. Its about guys fighting, right?"

"Very perceptive."

"Look, Alex, this isn't about you, okay?" She looks at him very pointedly. Alex sighs, and George and Izzie exchange looks.

Meredith watches them. "Who's it about, Izzie?" Izzie looks at her, embarrassed. "Izzie."

"Okay, look...George and I just thought we should have some sort of fun night to get your mind off everything...I mean, with Derek almost dying and everything. We thought it would be nice if we could all just hang out and...forget it for awhile."

Meredith looks at her, trying to be annoyed, but unable to. "Thanks, Izzie, but...I'm really okay."

Izzie looks doubtful. "It'll still be fun, right?" Meredith glances around; George is watching her anxiously, and even Christina and Alex seem to want her to say yes.

She forces a smile. "Yeah. Thanks you guys...that's really nice."

Izzie goes up to the DVDs remaining. "Okay, I'm just going to pick one at random. No arguments. This is the final choice." She closes her eyes and grabs one from the middle of the pile. "Oh, good, My Best Friends Wedding."

"I've never seen it." Meredith tells her.

"I have." Christina says quietly. She's trying to convey a message to Izzie with her eyes, but Izzie seems oblivious. She's studying the DVD fondly.

"I just love Julia Roberts, don't you guys? And this movie makes me cry, which is a little weird, but it does."

"You'll be the only one." Meredith says with a smile, turning off the lights as Izzie starts the DVD player. She's determined to enjoy herself. Maybe a movie is a good idea. It was a sweet thought anyway. Meredith isn't above being sentimental when it comes to her friends…more like her family, really. George and Izzie obviously have great faith in the idea, and even Christina put aside her 'chick flick, bonding time' prejudices to come over. True, Alex didn't know what he was in for, but Izzie had obviously told him in the kitchen and he hadn't left. No reason to tell any of them what happened with Derek that afternoon.

Keeping up the cheery tone, she says, "I've never cried in a movie. My friends in high school used to make fun of me for it...we'd go to the movies and they'd be bawling and I was just kind of bored..."

**Christina**

Christina is glaring at Izzie as she takes a seat in the recliner, George stretched out by her feet. Alex, Meredith, and Christina sit on the couch, but Christina leans forward. "Izzie, are you insane?" She hisses.

"Why?"

"This movie."

Izzie rolls her eyes and lowers her voice to a whisper. "I know its not necessarily your kind of movie, Christina, but it's funny at some parts, too."

"I know. I've _seen_ it. But don't you think-"

"Then you shouldn't mind it too much. There's not a happy ending, you should enjoy that, right?" She smirks at her then leans back.

"_Izzie!"_

"Sssshhhh!" George hisses, pressing the play button on the DVD remote.

Christina leans back on the couch and sighs. Yes, she knows about the ending. The not happy ending. The ending where the main character begs the guy she loves to pick her, instead of his wife. Well, fiancée, but she's his wife by the end.

She knows. Meredith doesn't. Izzie's apparently forgotten.

Christina sighs. If it wasn't Meredith, she would laugh at the irony; they had started this whole thing to make her forget Derek and the whole situation.

Great job!

**Meredith**

She's enjoying the movie. She's able to become engaged in something besides herself and Derek.

Julianne, Julia Roberts character, is on a mission to stop her best friend's marriage to the annoyingly perfect Kimmy, having realized that she herself loves him. This isn't Meredith's story, or anything like it.

At first.

And suddenly it is.

Not in a huge way. There's a scene, one of the ones that makes Izzie go 'awwww' and get teary. Julianne misses the perfect opportunity to tell Michael she loves him.

And suddenly Meredith can't keep back the tears.

Not because of what is being said as where it's being said.

They're on a ferryboat. Dancing.

A fucking ferryboat.

Talking about taking the moment to tell someone you love them and saying it. Talking about not letting the moment pass them by.

On a ferryboat.

_Shit._

Meredith sits there, staring straight ahead at the screen, tears rolling silently down her cheeks, and she's pulled back to the hospital room, with Derek. She knows she did the right thing. But its killing her.

Everything she'd wanted the past few weeks? She's wanted him to have picker her, not Addison. Then, there they were, and he said it: I made a mistake. I want you, not Addison..

And she turned him down.

She did the right thing. But Meredith knows that sometime, in the future, when he and Addison are happy again, she'll be suffering. And she'll be hating herself for not taking her chance.

She stares at the screen. The ferryboat. Julianne missing her chance.

Stupid movie night.

**Christina**

She's watching Meredith out of the corner of her eye. George and Izzie are completely wrapped up in the movie. So is Alex, though he keeps pretending to shift restlessly or sigh loudly.

She's the only one noticing Meredith. This isn't even the part she would have thought would get her. This isn't the part where the connection comes in.

But then she remembers something. A snippet of something Meredith said to her about a month ago. While jogging.

_You know what's ruined for me? Ferryboats. I used to love ferryboats. And Derek's got a thing for them. Now every time I see a freakin ferryboat…_

Right. Ferryboats.

There's probably more to it. Something to do with what happened that afternoon. Christina sighs. This is why chick flicks are a bad idea for people in romantic misery. They can always find some way to connect.

**Meredith**

The tears stop on their own. Fifteen minutes after the scene, but still. They stop. She had let them fall, not trying to keep them back, barely realizing they were there.

Christina noticed. Not the others though.

She's okay again. Sure her mind is further from the movie. But she's okay. She's calm.

Until.

Izzie announces it to them. "This is the part I cry at…"

Julianne has found Michael. It's his wedding day. They're talking. And she tells him. Meredith is barely paying attention.

Then.

"I'm going to ask you a gigantic favor." Julia Roberts says onscreen. "Choose me. Marry me. Let me make you happy."

_Pick me. Choose me. Love me. _

Meredith stares at the screen in horror.

She's not the only one.

Izzie is staring at it in horror, too, realizing. She's not crying at it this time. Every one of them knows about Meredith's speech. She'd repeated it to them the night of the train accident, when she was a drunken mess, and mocking herself for what she regarded as a pathetic attempt at begging.

Izzie looks at Christina, who fixes her with a withering look, plainly saying, "I told you so."

Onscreen, Michael runs away from her. After his fiancée.

Well, Meredith thinks dimly, it's accurate at least.

Everyone is staring at her now. She grabs the remote and stops the movie.

"Great idea. I feel much better now." She stands, calmly, and walks upstairs. The others listen quietly until the door slams.

**Christina**

"Nice job, Izzie." This is Alex.

"I forgot." Izzie says quietly.

"So this was a bust, huh?" George shoves the last few pieces of popcorn into his mouth and sits up.

"If we could have watched the _other _ones I suggested…"

"Hey, you knew what was in it!"

Christina stands, leaving Alex and Izzie to argue. "I'll go talk to her."

They keep fighting.

Christina starts to get the hairpin out again when she gets to Meredith's room, but realizes the door isn't locked. Meredith clearly anticipated being followed.

Christina enters the room, seeing Meredith sitting on her bed, expressionless.

"He said he made a mistake."

"Huh?"

"Earlier, at the hospital. He said he made a mistake picking Addison. He wanted me back."

Christina stares at her, shocked. "So why didn't you…."

"Go running back into his arms like nothing happened?"

"Oh, right. I see your point. Not very self-respecting."

Meredith shakes her head, making a face. "Like I care about self respect. It's not that. It's just…I can't pretend like he didn't pick her. He did it for a reason. He's the kind of guy who can't just not _try _to fix his marriage. I don't want him because he made the decision during a bad time in his life, and I don't want him if he's going to always be guilty about his marriage." All of this sounds very rehearsed, even to Meredith.

"Well…that makes sense." Christina puts in helpfully.

"I know. It makes sense to my brain. I know it's the right thing to do but…I'm going to regret it. Sometime in a couple months, when he's happy with Addison, and I'm not going to be over him…I regret it. I missed my chance."

Christina looks at her sadly, knowing that must have been a bad situation for Meredith.

"I don't know what to do."

**Derek**

Addison sticks her head in the door. Meredith left four hours ago. Since then, he's been poked and prodded by different doctors. Bailey's been by. Burke. Chief.

He hasn't heard a word they said.

Addison looks hesitant. "Is it safe to come in?"

He nods, too tired to protest. Too tired to fight in more.

He's giving in. Meredith practically told him to.

"We past that little…er… 'episode'?"

For a second he doesn't even know what she's talking about. Everything about today seemed to start and stop with Meredith's visit.

Oh, right. That was much earlier today, right after he woke up. When she was lying about how Meredith hadn't cared enough about him to see him. How he'd told her to get out.

Right.

He hasn't even talked to her about the lying yet. About telling Meredith not to come visit him. He wants to. He wants to let her know her little secret's out, that the lie didn't work in the first place.

But why bother? It looks like he's going to have to figure out some way to try this marriage, at least for a little while.

Still, he can't resist bringing it up. "So you told Meredith she couldn't come see me? And to you, that's her 'not caring enough to come?'" There's spite in his voice and he tries to drain it. There's no point.

Addison's face reddens. "Derek, look…"

"Don't bother explaining. It doesn't make any difference." His voice is resigned. "I said I'd try to make this work. I'm going to try."

Addison looks at him uncertainly. "Um, that's good. I think."

"Yeah. I guess."

He's been going over and over his conversation with Meredith. Trying to understand. He thinks he gets it.

What it all comes down to is Doing the Right Thing.

But the right thing sucks. The right thing leaves him miserable, and the woman he loves miserable, and (most likely) his wife miserable.

It's still the right thing.

Vows. Marriage. Divorce papers he hadn't been able to sign. The ring that had stayed in his drawer for all those months. Lies. The phone calls he had ignored for so long. Guilt from being absent. Flannel sheets. New York apartment. Brown bagging on the Empire State Building. Juju. Marriage counseling. Scream fests. All of that is Addison.

Ferryboats. Elevators. Lavender. Rain. Tequila. Breakfast cereal. Surgery highs. Great, romantic-movie type speeches about love and drowning. _Love_. All that is Meredith.

You would think that the last one on Meredith's list would be enough to cancel out all the other stuff.

You would think.

But that, Derek was realizing, would be Wrong.

There's always Right and there's always Wrong, and it's never as easy or as obvious as you'd like.

"Derek?"

"Hmmm?" He mutters distractedly.

"Are we…are we really trying? We're going to be honest with each other? We're going to do the counseling, and we're going to try to stop fighting."

"We're really trying." His voice gives away his lack of excitement.

**Meredith**

Christina has left, and so has Alex. Izzie and George have tried to talk, but she's ignored them. They're in bed now.

She can't sleep.

Creeping downstairs, quietly as she can, she goes for the fridge.

No tequila. No alcohol of any kind.

She curses silently, remembering how Izzie poured out that bottle at Meredith's consent. That was only about a week ago.

Everything's changed since then, in a way. A lot happened. Meredith changed her mind about Derek about a million times since the accident.

Yet she's right back where she was.

She goes back upstairs, ducks into the bathroom and turns on the light. For a moment, she feels like being sick, but it's a false alarm. Instead, she stares bleary eyed at her reflection.

Bits and pieces of things Derek said to her or things she said to him or things said in the movie or things she said to Christina…they all flash through her mind.

_You don't have to be so noble, Meredith._

Noble. Right. As if she was ever noble.

_I want you, not Addison._

Why? Why would anyone in their right mind want her? She's selfish, she's weak, she's a coward.

She stares at herself in the mirror.

_I missed my chance._

_I'm going to regret it. _

She hates herself the more she thinks about it. Hates her reflection.

She slams the side of her left fist into the mirror. There's a thud, followed by the clinking of broken glass dropping onto the sink or into the floor.

Blood oozes from the cut on her hand. She watches it flow down onto her wrist. She hears footsteps thundering down the hall. Voices.

She stares at the cut, at the drops of blood flowing down to her wrist, soaking the sleeve of the Dartmouth shirt Derek liked so much, the one with the holes in the back he used to tease her about.

It's a pretty deep cut.

_"_Meredith! Meredith, are you okay?" Someone rattles the doorknob.

It should probably be hurting.

"Meredith!"

But she doesn't feel anything.


	8. Open Wounds

**Okay, guys, so this is a ridiculously long chapter...or it feels like it to me, at least. But I was feeling ambitious. And I like this chapter. A lot. I like that I ended in the place that I wanted to, which ended up taking awhile, because for once I'm planning ahead sufficiently and there was certain things I needed to set up. Also, this story does not have a definite length for me yet…chapter wise. I'm kind of going the whole alternate way to do season 2 post- "Pick Me Choose Me Love Me (or you know, don't)" incident. So hope you guys don't mind keeping up and reviewing. I'm updating Polaris soon, for those who are reading it. If you're not, please do. But this story…I was 'struck with inspiration' lol. REVIEW please.**

Chapter Eight

**Izzie**

"Meredith, open the door! Shit. George, how did Christina pick the lock earlier?"

Izzie is panicky. She was almost asleep when the sound of glass breaking woke her up. Running into George in the hallway, they'd found Meredith's room empty and the bathroom door locked.

"_Meredith_!"

"She did it with a hairpin." George answers her earlier question.

"I know that. It was mine! But _how_?" George shrugs worriedly.

"Should I call Christina, or-"

"No, no I don't want to have to call her every time something happens….I can figure it out…" She runs to her bedroom and returns with a pin, her hands shaking violently as she fumbles with the lock. "Keep calling her, George?"

"Meredith, are you okay?"

"Damn it…" Izzie twists the pin around. Finally, the lock clicks and she gives a triumphant yell. "I got it…"

Throwing the door open, Izzie freezes.

Meredith's standing in front of the mirror, which is cracked and broken…one large piece clearly fell out and shattered on the floor and sink. Meredith doesn't give any notice that she sees them or the mess around her. She's staring at the side of her left hand, which is bleeding pretty bad. Her face is blank.

Izzie and George exchange terrified glances.

**Meredith**

She's back at the hospital.

Christina gives her a shot to numb her hand before she sutures it. Meredith thinks dimly that she needn't bother.

Izzie and George keep staring at her with worried, scared expressions. Like they don't know quite what to do with her. They must have called Christina on the way to the hospital, because she was in the pit waiting, looking slightly unnerved but had quickly slipped into a professional tone.

The first thing Izzie did in the bathroom was shriek at her. _Why had she done that? What was she thinking? Is she okay?_

Meredith let her yell.

When they first walked in the hospital she wondered if Derek might see her. What he'd say.

But then she remembered. He's in his room. With Addison.

Addison and Derek.

_Trying._

She glances at her hand as Christina stitches up the wound. It works so easily. The stitches hold it close for five days, and after that it will be okay on its own.

Physical wounds work that way.

Meredith would rather have left her hand open if they could close the other wounds she had. The ones no one could see, but the ones that hurt every second of every day.

"You have a up to date tetanus, right, Mer?"

Meredith looks past Christina at a guy walking in holding a rag on his forehead, which is bleeding profusely.

A lot more blood than from her hand. A lot bigger cut.

But it would still heal soon.

"I'm finished up here, guys. You're good to go."

Meredith stares at the neat stitches as Christina releases her hand. How easy that was.

"Good to go? Seriously?" Izzie's voice rises above the proper volume for a hospital. "She _punched _a _mirror_."

She wonders idly if there's any point in seeing Derek. No, probably not. She'd told him to try with Addison. It would seem wrong to get in their way.

"Izzie, she's not deaf..."

Yeah. 'Wrong'. It was all about the right and wrong. Well, the 'right' thing sucked.

What was it Derek had said? Something about what would happen if he was right, if he tried with Addison and they couldn't make it work.

Meredith had told him she didn't know.

"But, Christina-"

"Come _over_ here."

She still doesn't know. She hopes his right.

"She doesn't even act like she's aware of us!"

Oh, please let him be right.

What would it hurt to just go check on him?

People like visits when they're in the hospital.

**Izzie**

"I don't care how she acts, just..." Christina sighs impatiently and drags Izzie further from Meredith.

"We can't just pretend it's nothing."

"Well, what are you gonna do?" Christina snaps sarcastically. "Call psych on her?"

Izzie pauses. It's slightly tempting.

"Izzie, seriously!"

"No, of course I'm not calling psych. I mean, I don't think." Christina stares at her. "Look, she...she _punched_ a_ mirror._ And afterwards she just stood there. Looking at herself bleed. George and I were banging on the door and screaming at her and she didn't answer, didn't move. She hasn't said a word since. She acts like she's in a daze."

Christina watches her seriously for a moment, as if considering. Than she shakes her head rapidly. "No. You can't just call pysch on her. She's...she's going through some stuff."

"I know! But still...it isn't normal."

"Look, just leave her alone."

"Leave her alone! Only _you _would think that was good advice. Last time she was 'left alone' she _punched _a _mirror _!"

"Stop saying it like that. Forget the mirror."

"But that's-"

"Please God don't say seven years bad luck."

"-_not normal!"_

"I-"

"What is going on here?"

Izzie and Christina turn. Dr. Bailey is walking toward them, her eyes moving from Meredith to George and Izzie and Christina. "None of you are on call."

George and Izzie look at each, at a loss for explanations. Christina jumps in, "Meredith needed stitches."

Bailey looks at Meredith for a moment, locating the area of the wound. "Hmmm. What did it?" The question is directed at Meredith, but Christina answers again.

"Broken glass."

"Hmmm." Bailey studies Meredith. "Can you move it okay? We don't need you cutting people open if both hands aren't functional."

Meredith is studying her hand. Bailey raises her eyebrows at the others.

Izzie makes a decision. "Dr. Bailey, can I see you for a moment..." She leads her away from Meredith, Christina following and hissing, "Izzie..."

"What's with her?"

"I don't know." Izzie quickly launches into the whole story of Meredith punching the mirror, having the pick the lock, Meredith's apparent detachment from anything gong on around her. She finishes with, hesitantly, "I was thinking of calling a psych consult..."

Bailey looks doubtful.

Christina, however, is positive. "No way! Izzie, you can't, you know that weird Raj guy would have it all around the hospital that Meredith is nuts."

"Christina, this is what we'd do for any patient..."

"You're overreacting. I don't send patients to pysch for this crap."

"Maybe you should, then, because-"

"Enough!" Bailey's voice is firm. "In the circumstances, I don't think pysch is what you need. Christina's right, it would get around. Just give her a little--" She stops short, looking past Christina and Izzie. "Where'd she go?"

**Meredith**

She walks onto the elevator. Presses the four.

She doesn't know what to say when she gets to his room. There's nothing more to say, now, really. They pretty much covered everything.

But she knows she has to get up there.

She looks at her hand again. At the neat little row of stitches holding the cut closed. There's no longer any indication that just an hour ago it wouldn't stop bleeding. In only five days the stitches will come out and there will be just a faint, painless scar to remember it by.

It doesn't seem possible. Five days.

The elevator door slides open and she walks through the hallway to Derek's room. She listens and doesn't hear voices. Does that mean he's alone? No, she remembers, it's three in the morning. Anyone in there now would be asleep.

Is Addison the type to sleep in a hard chair all night if she knows her husband's okay?

Maybe. Maybe not.

Meredith takes the chance and opens the door slightly. The lights are off, but in the sliver of light from the crack in the door she can see the chairs are unoccupied.

"Hello?" That's Derek. She hadn't realized he was awake.

She opens the door a bit more, but doesn't enter his room.

He looks surprised. "Meredith?" He looks her up and down, confused. For the first time she realizes she's still in her sweatpants and Dartmouth shirt. She laughs softly. Far cry from the scrubs she usually wears in the hospital. "What are you doing back here? Are you okay?"

He flips on the lamp next to his bed. Now his eyes fall on the sleeve, still stained with blood. "What happened!"

She holds up her hand to show him. "A mirror broke. Cut my hand on the glass."

"Oh." He still looks confused but doesn't question her.

There's an awkward silence. "Did you...do you need anything Meredith? I mean it's not that I don't to see you but…y'know, after…earlier…I…"

Suddenly she feels ridiculous. Coming up here was pointless. Everything she's feeling gets stuck in her throat. Honestly, she wants to tell him she was being crazy earlier, trying too hard to do the 'right' thing, but to screw all that, and forget Addison.

_Pick Me. Remember how you said I made a mistake. Choose me. All that stuff about needing to try, you don't have to be that guy. Love me. You said you do. Let that be enough._

But she doesn't say any of that. She can't.

"No, I don't...I don't need anything. I just wanted to check on you."

He smiles at her, that soft, wistful, sad smile. "Thanks. I hope your hand feels better."

She smiles falsely. "Oh, yeah. I mean, five days it'll be good as new."

His smile is gone. "Pretty quick isn't it?"

She nods. "yeah."

They stand there, looking at each other, each thinking about the conversation earlier, when Derek's door swings open.

"There you are."

"Told you she'd be here."

George, Izzie and Christina are standing in the doorway, Bailey behind them.

Before any of them can speak, Addison comes shoving her way through, her eyes wide and bewildered. "What is going on here!"

It is a pretty strange sight. Bailey in her scrubs, Christina in her scrubs (she'd thrown them on after Izzie had called in order to not attract attention so she could suture Meredith's hand), Izzie in a tank top, pink knit pants and a black jacket, no makeup and her hair pulled into a messy ponytail, George in a hooded sweatshirt and windpants, his hair mussed. And then there was Meredith, of course, in her T-shirt and sweatpants.

No wonder Addison is confused.

Before any of them can come up with a reasonable way to explain what is actually going on, Addison focuses on Derek. "Why is she back here?"

Deliberately misunderstanding her, Derek answers lightly, "She cut her hand on some glass. Needed stitches."

"Not here at the hospital. Here in your room." Addison is apparently unperturbed at the thought of having this conversation with so many watching.

"Came in to say hi."

"At three a.m.?"

Meredith stares fixedly at the wall, her face burning with humiliation. It made sense, the question. Three a.m., what was she doing here, in his room, when everything that could possibly be said had been said? To sit there in awkward silence, looking at each other and talking about the amazingly fast recovery time of cuts? No.

"I thought we were done with this, Derek." Her tone drips with a brilliant combination of weariness and anger.

"I don't think this is the best time to talk about it..." Derek is looking meaningfully at Meredith, who is still staring at the wall, and the others, who seem to be torn between curiosity and discomfort.

"I don't care if they hear it, Derek! And maybe _she _should definitely hear it!"

There she goes again, talking about Meredith as if she can't hear them.

"She's not deaf, you know." Christina informs Addison somewhat irritably.

Addison ignores her. "You said we're really trying this time. So you can do what you told the marriage counselor you'd do last time...stop talking to Meredith!"

Bailey speaks up quickly. "We're just gonna go..."

"No, stay where you are. I want everyone to hear this."

Derek shakes his head. "What is wrong with-"

"If you expect to try, it's the only thing that will do it. Stop talking to her. Get her out of your life. No more requesting her on your surgeries. No more anything."

**Derek**

Derek is seething in anger. He's glaring at Addison, but his eyes keep darting to Meredith. Addison has to do this in front of her, in front of all her friends? Just because they were in his room at night?

Meredith looks like she wants to disappear.

"Addison, I am not going to-"

"No, she's right."

Dead silence. Everyone is staring at Meredith, shocked that she spoke. Her expression is pained as she locks eyes with Derek.

"You can't try with your marriage and still be...whatever...with me. We _should_ stop talking. It's...it's easier. Better. For everyone."

She turns and looks at her friends. "We're leaving now."

**Izzie**

Bewildered, they all follow Meredith into the hallway. She walks a bit down and leans on the wall.

Bailey looks at the others. "Get her home. I'll see you tomorrow. And, hey..." She focuses that intense, 'I mean it' stare of hers. "Look after her."

They nod, and Bailey walks off.

Christina approaches Meredith first. Her voice is unnaturally gentle. "C'mon, Mer, let's go."

Meredith looks at Izzie. "You think I'm crazy, don't you?"

Suddenly Izzie's blinking back tears. "No." She tells Meredith quietly. "No, you're not crazy." She reaches out and hugs her.

Meredith indicates her hand. "Sorry I freaked you out."

Christina speaks next. "It's okay. You're entitled to a little dose of crazy, I think, given the circumstances."

Meredith doesn't smile. She looks at the three of them, then walks toward the elevator, her friends following her closely.

By the time they get back to the house, it's nearly four. Meredith walks into the kitchen when they enter, and George looks at Izzie and shakes his head. "You realize we have to _wake up _in an hour and a half?"

Izzie smiles slightly. "If we go to sleep now we'll be dead when we wake up."

"Speak for yourself. I'm grabbing a nap."

Izzie considers. "You're way sounds better." She calls out to Meredith, "Hey, Mer, are you going to be okay for work tomorrow morning?"

Meredith appears in the living room from the kitchen. "Yes. Might as well enjoy these last couple days I get without having to dodge Derek wherever I go."

Izzie nods sympathetically. She's a bit unnerved by Meredith's behavior. Before, it was like she was in a trance, oblivious to everything. But ever since they found her in Derek's room she'd been normal.

Meredith's still speaking. "Who goes grocery shopping next?"

"Me." George answers, stretching out onto the couch and closing his eyes.

"Okay. We need some tequila."

George and Izzie exchange looks.

"George?" Meredith prods him.

"Right. Sure."

**Meredith**

She doesn't try to go back to sleep. Izzie and George both head upstairs to get in another hour or so, but she doesn't bother trying.

She wanders up to the bathroom and sweeps up the pieces of the broken mirror; a big chunk had fallen when she'd hit it, but the rest of it was just cracked throughout. She looks at her distorted reflection.

What is she? Broken? Insane?

She shakes her head, scooping the pieces of glass into a garbage bag.

Cleaning up the mess. It doesn't look so destructive now.

But the mirror...you can still see the cracks. You can still see the big piece of itself it's missing.

Meredith can relate.

She sits on the couch for the next hour, thinking. Not real thoughts, though; she's not going for anything particularly introspective or any kind of soul-searching. Just random thoughts, each unrelated to the last, floating around in her head.

It isn't until she hears the shower running upstairs that she realizes she isn't dressed yet. Must be time to 'wake up'.

She pulls her hair into a ponytail. Changes the bloodstained shirt. Actually bothers with a little makeup, for no reason except for to give an appearance of normality to those who saw her freak out a few hours previously.

In the kitchen, Izzie and George watch her warily, but make no mention of the previous visit to the hospital.

She eats a doughnut and drinks coffee. She catches Izzie watching her and forces a smile.

"We'll be in the car..."

"Be right out..." Meredith answers as Izzie and George leave the house. She's focusing on the stitches again.

She knows it's ridiculous.

But they seem to be mocking her.

Bragging.

They can heal wounds in five days. That cut that earlier caused so much panic and worry and confusion, had interesting consequences at the hospital...it will be gone in five days.

It doesn't seem fair.

Meredith opens the cabinet door and grabs some scissors.

**Bailey**

"You okay to work?"

She's studying Grey closely. She's looking at Bailey with a perfectly normal expression, and she doesn't give the appearance of getting little to no sleep last night, unlike Izzie and George.

But Meredith's good at the set up. She's good at preparing for the lie.

Actually lying on the other hand…

"I'm fine." She's standing in front of Bailey, her hands shoved into the pockets of her lab coat, chewing absently on her lower lip. But she forces a thin smile to go along with the word.

Fine. It's Meredith's word of choice. Always, always, always. You ask her how she is, she's 'fine'. Bailey never believes her.

Meredith seems to sense the hesitation, because she begins speaking quickly, "Dr. Bailey, I've been on this case with you for the past few days. I want to be in on it when we operate." Bailey still hesitates. "Please. Look, I've scrubbed in on surgeries when I didn't know if Derek would live or not, when I was fighting with him, when my mom was in the hospital…I _need_ the O.R. I need to focus on something else."

Dr. Bailey sighs. Sometimes she's too soft. "Okay, you can scrub in. Get him to pre-op."

For one nerve-wracking moment, Bailey thinks Grey might hug her. Instead, she just says, "Thank you. Thanks a lot, I mean it."

Soon, she and Grey are scrubbing in. Bailey has recently gotten into the habit of relinquishing more and more control to her interns as they improve. And Meredith is one of the best. She seems to have a good balance: she's as good at the surgery and brainy stuff as Yang is, but she has a good bedside manner…yet not to the point of over-attachment like Stevens.

They walk into the OR, and Bailey begins, but as she glances over at Meredith she notices something.

"Grey, did you touch the patient yet?"

Looking startled, Meredith shakes her head. "No."

"You're bleeding…"

It's true. Soaking through her gloves on the left hand is blood stains.

"You'd think Yang would know how to do a damn suture by now…let's see it, are the stitches loose…"

For some reason, Meredith backs up from her. "No, it's fine, I just-"

"Take off the damn gloves."

Meredith slowly slides off the glove and Bailey stares at her hand. Where the stitches should be is just an open wound.

**Christina**

"God, you're stupid. What were you thinking? Christ, you really will be lucky if they don't try to haul you off with all the crazies upstairs…I had to talk Izzie out of it last night, anyway, and now…"

She's suturing Meredith's hand. Again. Bailey had dragged Meredith over to Christina and demanded the cut be closed. Again. Then she'd returned to surgery, only after assuring Meredith that anymore open cuts would result in banishment from the OR.

"I mean, seriously? What were you thinking? What was the point?"

"There _is_ no point." Meredith says, with more meaning than Christina feels qualified to contemplate.

"Well, um…different way to ask this. What was going through your tiny little brain? You're a doctor, Meredith! I judge _patients _who do something like this."

"I know." Her voice is quiet. "I don't know why I did it. It was all…I was thinking about how it only takes five days to get better, and how I'd rather it not heal than…" She blushes. "Emotional wounds. Crap like that."

Christina shifts uncomfortably. All of a sudden a regular, insulting conversation has gotten deep. She knows she has to listen. She's Meredith's best friend, and she has been acting admittedly nuts lately, and it seems like her duty to listen. Besides, she actually does care.

"And…look, Christina, it wasn't rational. Punching the mirror in the first place wasn't rational. But it made sense to me when I did it. And it still makes sense, but no sense I could explain. For lack of a better expression, I just _felt _like punching a mirror, and I just felt like cutting the stitches. I keep going through these periods where I _can't _think rationally, because it's just _too _much, y'know?"

Christina can almost feel her pupils dilating. No, she doesn't know. Please let all this be rhetorical. There is no advice she could give her best friend right now, and never before has she felt so useless. Never before has she had such a sense of confusion, an inability to find an answer.

"But when I'm thinking rationally it's just as bad, because the shit that's going on…it's still there. It hurts. I lose either way." She looks at Christina, as though begging for help. "What's wrong with me? What do I do?"

Christina finishes the suturing. She meets Meredith's eyes, panicking because these questions definitely require an answer.

"Mer…I can help you suture a cut. I know how to do that, I could do it with my eyes shut. It's nothing. But…I don't know how to fix what's wrong with you. I mean, scalpels and medical know-how doesn't fix…"

"A broken heart."

"Yeah." Christina looks at her sympathetically. "I'm sorry about that, too. I really, really wish I could."

"Thanks." Meredith whispers. "But I don't think anyone can fix it."

**Meredith**

A lie. That was totally a lie. Of course someone could fix it…as in, someone had the ability. But it wasn't going to happen.

Because he was trying to make it work with his wife.

And Meredith had told him to.

Her eyes fill with tears and Christina tenses up even more. If it was any other situation, Meredith would have found Christina's obvious discomfort amusing.

But now she's remembering something she had discovered and perfected at the very beginning of all this 'choosing Addison' mess. She'd realized that there was no way to make this kind of pain go away, and the most you could do was forget about it for awhile. There were ways to make that happen.

Ways she had perfected. Ah, yes. The self-loathing would return. But she remembered it being worth it. Anything was better than this.

**George**

He fills the grocery cart methodically, feeling like a walking zombie. He can't wait to get home, crash into his bed, and sleep.

Last night was exhausting.

He throws in the usual things. Chips. Cereal. Dozens of different ingredients associated with Izzie's baking.

He studies the list, all the usual stuff at the top in the same penmanship, other things added in different handwriting as they were thought of.

The last thing on the list makes him pause. Tequila, underlined twice. Meredith's handwriting.

It's not really his business to not buy it. It's been there before. If he doesn't it will just cause problems, and nothing will stop her from getting it herself.

He sighs. Yawns.

Too exhausted to argue.

**Izzie **

She had expected to sleep the sleep of the dead that night.

No such luck.

Meredith's obviously been to Joe's after work. Izzie had attempted to corner her to talk about the whole removing the stitches thing (seriously? Taking _out_ stitches? ), but she'd shoved past her, saying she'd be in late.

And she'd brought another one of her 'friends'.

Before it was just a little annoying, and it was something that made Izzie worry about her.

Now, Izzie can't help but feeling an incredible hollow sadness. Because she understands why Meredith is doing this. Maybe this is what stops her from breaking mirrors or taking out stitches. Maybe it's that extra little bit that keeps it going.

But what kind of choice is that?

Bleary-eyed, she meets George in the kitchen in the morning. He's looking slightly murderous. He shakes his head in disbelief at her, as though words fail him.

When Meredith enters, he snarls, "Sleep well?" He's dripping more sarcasm than Izzie has ever heard George use.

Meredith doesn't give any indication of noticing this hostility.

She sits across from them at the table and grabs some coffee.

Izzie speaks tactfully, "So…this again, Mer?"

Meredith nods miserably. Looking like she might burst into tears at any second, she tells them, "I'm sorry. I don't know what else there is."

Izzie nods sadly at her and the anger seems to leave George instantly.

A guy comes stumbling into the kitchen. "Hi."

"Bye." Meredith stands, her tone changed rapidly. "We have to go to work. Time for you to go."

**Meredith**

It's easy to fall back into the routine.

Alcohol. Barstool conversation. Drunken sex. The breeziness of getting rid of them.

Hard to believe she and Derek started like that.

The next few days are hell. Her friends (and Dr. Bailey) watch her constantly, as though afraid she might go insane again.

She avoids Derek's room. She dodges Addison in the few times she's seen her venture into the hallway.

She goes through the days fighting tears, pounding headaches, and feelings of self loathing and exhaustion.

The day she gets the stitches removed (for real, this time) is the same day Derek gets released from the hospital.

There is some kind of ironic meaning there, but Meredith doesn't want to contemplate it.

She stays late after she's off duty to get them taken off. She and Christina are leaving the hospital at the same time as Derek.

"Hi." This is him, obviously. Meredith is too flustered to speak.

**Derek**

It's the first time he's seen her since the night Addison made the scene in front of everyone. She just stares at him.

"I'm free to go." He says, attempting a smile. Trying to pretend this bears any semblance to a normal conversation.

She takes awhile to speak. "That's great, Dr. Shepard. I'm really happy for you." There's a quiet desperation in her tone that contradicts her words.

What hits him the hardest is the formality. Dr. Shepard. Really.

She starts to leave.

"Meredith. I was hoping we could talk." He starts to say 'at some point', but realizes there's no time like now. Addison's in surgery, but he couldn't wait to get home, to his own bed.

She turns on him. "No, see, that? Right there? That's what we're not doing anymore. Talking. Or you saying my name like that. Or looking at me like that. You have to stop. That's the deal."

He lowers his voice. "Dr. Bailey told me what happened. Your hand, I mean… the stitches…" He regrets saying it immediately at the look of embarrassment and indignation that comes onto her face. "I just wanted to see if you were okay."

She laughs, a terrifying sound that is as far from humor as you can get. "Did you? Well, I'm not. But there's nothing you can do about it."

"Maybe-"

"Derek." Her voice is soft, and the word comes out quickly, as though she's worried about saying it. "_No_. I'm not okay, I'm not gong to be, and you can't help me now. This can't keep happening."

She leaves him and walks out the door.

**Meredith**

Please, God, let that be the last time that happens.

For some reason, she now thinks of this whole situation in terms of cuts or wounds. The hand analogy did it. It seems to have stuck.

And the Derek thing…that's an open wound, impossible to close, always stinging and bleeding out and getting salt poured onto it. No matter what.

But when he comes near her, it's like it widens. Makes it a little harder to endure.

Christina is waiting for her outside. She nods her head at her car, since George and Izzie had already left in Meredith's. "Come on. I'll drive."

"No, thanks. I'm going to Joe's."

"You'll still need a ride home."

"I get a cab."

They look at each other. They both know what this means.

Christina shrugs indifferently, but her voice gives her away, "It's up to you, I guess."

**Bailey**

"You wanted to see me Chief?"

Dr. Webber leans forward on his desk. He's looking tired, and whatever he wants to discuss is clearly serious. "I needed to talk about one of your interns."

Bailey nods. It's not hard to imagine which intern he means. Of course, Dr. Bailey isn't sure what's brought any of the, er, 'issues' there to Chief's attention.

"Meredith Grey."

"I thought so, sir."

He looks surprised. "Oh? Well, maybe you can help me out then…she came to speak to me earlier today. She was asking a lot of questions about the process of transferring hospitals." He sighs. "Never flat out requested, but she was sure curious."

Bailey looks at him, surprised at first. That wasn't anything at all close to what she'd expected. Her shoulders slump, and the surprise leaves her…of course there isn't anything surprising about Meredith Grey needing to get out of this hospital. Present circumstances and all that.

"Since you knew who I meant, I assume you know something is going on. I'm assuming it has something to do with Derek and Addison-" Bailey almost smiled at this understatement. "-but I just need more. Is that what's making her so unhappy?"

Bailey chooses her words carefully. "I know she's not happy, yeah. This whole thing…first there was him choosing to stay with Addison, you know how that went, I assume…the whole hospital did." He nods. "And then there was this whole car accident, Meredith not being allowed in there. They don't confide in me to an amazing extent, sir, but I have an idea that the whole thing…the choosing, happened all over again in some way. Derek's been pretty miserable, too, when I've seen him. Something else has obviously happened."

Webber rubs his temples and sighs. "I knew from the beginning this would be trouble. I tried to warn Meredith. Right after my surgery."

Bailey stares at him. "Well, you knew he was married, sir. Grey had no idea."

"True." He pauses. "Well, maybe you could talk to her for me. I obviously don't want her to leave. She's got a lot of promise, and I've known Meredith since she was a baby. Then there's the matter of her mother's care…" He trails off, looking uncertain.

"I don't want her to leave, either, Chief, not at all…but it might be what she needs." He looks at her. "Or it might not. We don't want her making any rash decisions. And of course it could be nothing. She could just be down." He looks slightly comforted. "I'll speak to her, though, Chief.

**Meredith**

She's well on her way to the blurriness she craves.

The counter is covered by empty shot glasses. She's not slowing down.

The next part will happen soon. It always does, when she's like this.

Sure enough….

A man approaches her. "This seat taken?"

She looks at him. "Guess not."

He's handsome in a very rugged, sexy way. Looks like the kind of guy who could shake your hand and say wonderful things but turn around and mess around behind your back. He's just got that look. Not unlike many of the men she ends up taking home on nights like tonight.

There's something she notices in his eyes, though, that makes him different. There's a kind of pain, despair there. A loss of hope, just like…well, just like her own.

He orders a few beers before speaking. She's just ordered another shot. "Let me get that for you."

She glances at him, then catches Joe's eye and nods. It starts like this a lot.

The guy surveys the bar in front of her. "Tough night?"

"Normal night." She replies, her speech already slightly slurred.

"Been there."

"Past tense?"

He shrugs. "Recent past. Maybe future, too. Near future, I mean. Not if I'm optimistic."

"I'm not."

"As a rule, neither am I." He smiles slightly. "Except when it comes to my patients. But that's kind of a job requirement."

Meredith groans inwardly. "You're a doctor?"

"Yeah, actually."

"Do you work at this hospital?"

"Grace? Nah. My hospital's not in this town. Or state. Or side of the country, actually."

"Oh." She smiles at him, the cloudiness properly setting in now. "In that case, I'm Meredith."

He smiles. "Nice to meet you. I'm Mark."


	9. consequence

**So, I'd like to apologize that this has taken a while to reply to, but I'm actually at the beach right now. We rent a house, and I was under the impression that we'd be able to dial up with the lap top here. But, unfortunately, no phone here, so nothing to dial up to. The good news is, the campground we stay at has a "wireless zone" which I'm using the post this; however, it's kind of a drag to get the laptop all packed up and drive to the area, and the last time I came the site wasn't working. So I'm doing something I don't like to do. I'm posting two chapters at a time, because I'm almost done with this story thanks to all the free time, and I don't know how many times I'm going to get over to the wireless zone.**

**The reason I don't like to post two chapters at a time is because it downs the reviews. But what I'm hoping is that you guys will review both chapters as you read them…partly because I'm gonna be selfish and want as many reviews as I can get (this story is my highest yet, and I rather like reviews) but mostly because I like to know what people think about it as they read it, and usually you're going to be more likely to talk about the stuff you JUST read in the reviews. But I want to know what people think about this chapter when they don't know what's going to happen next chapter. So if everyone would do me a real favor and do a review for both chapter nine and chapter ten, it'll be a nice incentive for me to post the next one sometime before I get home on Monday.**

**After nine and ten, there will be at least two, very possibly three, more chapters in the story. Enjoy and review…**

**Chapter Nine**

**Addison**

She comes out of the OR, feeling the pleasant satisfaction that always follows a successful surgery.

Derek was released today. He'd said something about going back home right away…couldn't wait to get out of that hospital room.

Addison's feeling confident about going home (even back to the awful trailer). Even with Derek realizing all the lies she'd told, he seemed ready to try. Meredith had even agreed. Maybe this could be a new chapter in their lives, and years from now they can look back on the past months and laugh in disbelief, saying, "Remember the time we almost packed it in for good?"

Of course, there are things she chooses to ignore. Derek's depression. The very resigned attitude to all this talk of their 'trying' and 'making an effort'. At the moments he should have gotten angry with her, he didn't show forgiveness or understanding; he simply gave the impression that he's simply too tired to argue with her or show anger.

Still.

Addison prefers not to think about that. She enjoys entertaining the notion that everything will be get better.

She gathers her things to go home, and notices her cell phone shows 3 missed calls. She opens it and stares, almost nervous.

Mark, 1: 34 p.m.

Mark, 9:02 p.m.

Mark, 12: 47 a.m.

She sighs, deleting them from her RECENT CALLS list. There's part of her that wants to talk to him, wants to know why he's calling again. He'd seemed to give up after a couple of weeks.

But she can't. It would Wrong.

Besides, she has Derek now.

Right?

**Meredith**

She's properly drunk now, as they enter the foyer of her house, him kissing her neck as she throws her coat at a chair but misses.

Her speech is slurred. "Bedroom's upstairs…"

He's not as bad she is, but was well on his way when they'd left. "I was just gonna ask."

She takes his arm and leads him upstairs, unbuttoning her top as they go. She shoves him into the bedroom and he kisses her roughly. She dimly remembers to close the door before they fall onto the bed.

After, they lay next to each other in bed. Meredith is used to this. It was normal a few weeks ago, and now it's become normal again.

She remembers this one's name at least. Mark. The doctor from across the country.

Mark. Doctor. Across the country. Something about that triggers something small and indistinct in her subconscious. She allows herself to think for a few moments before giving up.

She is unable to think too hard during times like these. That's kind of the point.

"So you do this a lot?" His voice startles her, whispering next to her right ear.

"Do what?"

"This. The inappropriate sexual decisions. One night stand and all that. The bar thing."

All honesty, she answers, "Yes."

"I guess we're alike then."

She glances at him. This is new. The talking. It treads on dangerous territory.

He meets her eyes. "So what's your story? Bad breakup? Cuz I'm guessing this isn't just a hobby."

She stares at him, shocked. This defeats the purpose. Talking about the very thing she wants to avoid. She searches her mind dimly for some line. "We don't have to do the thing."

"The thing?"

"Exchange the details, pretend we care…" Oh, perfect. She'd used that one on Derek, the first time. _We can do anything you want._

He raises his eyebrows. "Who's pretending?"

What is with this guy? He's clearly not following the plan. He's a smartass, she'd seen that as the barstool conversation progressed. But he's been where she is; he's been hurt by someone.

Still, you would think he would understand the need to avoid the subject.

"Yeah, bad breakup. Bad everything."

"Cheated?' There's something knowing in his tone. He smiles slightly, as though it was obvious."

She smirks. "No. Actually his wife, that I didn't know existed, showed up."

Mark's smile fades. He looks surprised.

**Mark**

Suddenly it hits him. Meredith. What it was about the name that triggered something…

"The hospital. Seattle Grace? You work there?"

She looks surprised. "Yeah."

"Surgical intern?"

More surprise. "Uh-huh…"

Oh, hell.

No fucking way.

Derek's lusty intern. His first night in town and he sleeps with Derek's lusty intern. Very ironic. When he and Derek used to be best friends, people were surprised by the friendship. Said the two had nothing in common.

Clearly, they had more in common than they'd thought. First Addison, now Meredith.

Coincidence much?

Meredith's too wasted to think to ask how he knows this. He's grateful for that.

He falls silent then and she seems to appreciate it.

His mind is racing. Surely he can use this in some way. Surely both of them can.

He reaches down on the floor where he'd dropped his coat earlier and blindly jumbles for the pocket. Finding it at last, he checks his cell.

No missed calls.

Three phone calls, no answer.

This isn't going to be as easy as he had hoped.

**Izzie**

Walking into the kitchen next morning, she stops short.

A man she's never seen before is standing there making coffee and flipping eggs, looking as relaxed as if he lived there.

He turns and smiles at her.

She has to hand it to Meredith. Even when she's drunk, she picks 'em _good._

"Hi?" she says uncertainly. What is the proper opener for situations like this.

"Hi. I'm Mark. I'm with Meredith."

"I'm Izzie, Meredith's roommate."

Stop staring at him.

"Eggs?"

Izzie nods awkwardly.

He grabs some aspirin and a glass of water, gesturing at the eggs. "Help yourself. I'm gonna take this up to Meredith…help with her hangover." He smiles slightly, then leaves the room while Izzie gapes at him.

A few minutes later, George walks in. "Oh, you made eggs? What's with that?"

"Not me. Meredith's latest guy."

"Really?" George raises his eyebrows. "Sounds like he's a keeper."

"Tell me about it. He's way sexy, too. She needs to bring more like him…"

**Meredith**

She wakes up and her bed's empty. Saves her the trouble of getting rid of him.

Her head is pounding and last night is just a foggy memory as usual. She searches for his name…Mark? Yeah, that was it.

She gives a cry of surprise as he walks in the room, carrying a glass of water. "Morning." He tells her cheerfully. "Here, take these…head off your hangover."

She looks warily at the pills. He grins. "Aspirin from your cabinet. I'm not drugging you. Izzie was my witness."

"You met Izzie?" Meredith takes the pills and swallows them; the headache is really strong.

"Yeah. Looked surprised to see me."

Well, of course she was. The guys Meredith brings home never just waltz into the kitchen to make eggs or bring her aspirin. They wake up and get kicked out. The end.

"Thanks, Mark." She clears her throat. "Listen, um, I have to go take a shower and be at work so…" She trails off, letting him figure it out on his own.

He ignores the suggestive tone. "You probably have pre-rounds, huh?"

She looks at him quizzically. Had she told him where she worked, what she did? "Yeah. Pre-rounds."

"Hard day of dodging your ex and his wife, huh?"

She stares at him, startled. "Did I _tell_ you that?" She struggles to remember more about last night. She thought she never talked about Derek. Why would she say that?

"Yeah. Your boss. Whatever his name is."

"Oh." This guy already knows way too much. "Listen, Mark, I'm going to go take a shower, and then leave for work so…" Her usual catchphrases won't seem to come. They don't seem appropriate. He waits expectantly. "You should probably take off."

"Oh! Yeah, of course, I'll be out of your way."

Good. He gets it.

"As soon as I finish the eggs I made." He smiles at her and walks downstairs.

Later, Meredith walks downstairs to see him sitting there talking to George and Izzie. She stares, nervous for some reason. There's something about him she feels she should place…

"Morning, Mer." Izzie greets her.

"Did you know Mark's in plastics?"

"No, I didn't." She slides awkwardly into the chair between Mark and George. Plastics.

She turns to Mark, deciding the only way to get rid of him is to be blunt, "Why are you still here?" She hisses.

He smiles innocently. "Eggs."

She raises her voice. "Well, we have to go. Or we're going to be late. So…" She stands, glaring at George and Izzie pointedly. "Nice meeting you."

George and Izzie take the hint and stand. Mark follows suit. "You, too. Maybe I'll see you around."

No way. "Maybe."

They walk out of the house.

XXXXXXXX

Addison's the first person Meredith sees at work, when she walks into an elevator to find Addison its only other occupant. She's looking somewhat distracted, but manages to give Meredith a quick, unreadable look, looking as though she wants to say something but doesn't.

Meredith almost wants to ask when Derek is coming back to work. But discussing Derek with his wife wouldn't be very smart.

The awkward silence is broken when Addison's phone rings. She takes it out to look.

Please God don't let that be Derek, Meredith thinks silently. Don't make me have to stand here and listen to them…

If its Derek, Meredith would never know. Addison glances at the name and puts it back, while they stand listening to it ring.

Meredith glances at her and Addison looks back, giving her a look that seems to say "Mind your business".

They exit the elevator.

Meredith heads to the nurses station to pick up some lab results. She stops suddenly. "Mark?"

He turns and smiles, looking as if this was a pleasantly surprising, coincidental, 'imagine seeing you here!' moment. "Hi."

"What the hell are you doing here?"

"Relax. I want to look up an old friend of mine who works here."

"Oh." Meredith stares at him skeptically.

"Besides, what are you afraid of? Maybe that old boyfriend will see and get jealous…"

"Ha. Anyway, he's not even here today, he was in a car accident." She doesn't know why she told him that. Might as well…for all she knows she told him the entire story last night.

For some reason, Mark looks put out by this information. His eyes widen. "Derek was in a car accident?"

"Yeah, he-" She pauses. "Wait, _Derek_? I never told you his name…"

The 'caught' expression on Mark's face gives him away.

Meredith stares at him, then suddenly it dawns on her. Mark. Why that had triggered something…

_I found her in bed with Mark. Who happened to be my best friend._

A doctor across the country.

Plastic surgeon.

Wanted to look up an old friend of his…

"Oh, God….no, no, tell me you're not…"

He looks guilty. He must know who she is then.

"You….you're…"

"Yeah. Mark Sloan. Another victim of the Marriage Shepard."

She can't believe this. "Is that why you came up to me in the bar!"

"No! How would I have known then? I figured it out when you said that about his wife showing up…"

"Oh my God."

He leans forward. "It's not that big of a-"

"Yeah, it is. You have to leave…"

"Relax, Derek's not even here…"

"Addison is." Meredith shakes her head slightly at the rapid shift in the method of conversation with each other. Before, they were strangers and they spoke that way. But suddenly they know a lot about each other…the most important stuff. No use concealing anything…

"Good." Mark says calmly. "I came to see her." He looks at Meredith. "Derek okay?"

"Yeah, but that's not….why are you here to see Addison?"

"To bring her home."

Meredith stares at him. So there was more than just an affair on that side, too.

"It won't work." She informs him bluntly. "They're trying." That last word comes out dripping with bitterness.

"I need to see her."

Stubborn asshole.

"Well, get away from me. I…we have to act like this never happened."

"If you say so. But you might want to rethink it. We could help each other out."

She rolls her eyes. "_What_?"

Mark raises his eyebrows knowingly. "I doubt Derek would take it too well…seeing us together."

"Neither will Addison, right?"

"Well, that's what I'm hoping."

Meredith feels almost sorry for him. He's still in that 'pick me, choose me' stage. The one she gave up on a long time ago.

"Look, you…you haven't been around. It's not simple like that. It's not like just…making them jealous. They're trying because it's the right thing to do." Not because it's what they want. She'd almost added that, but wasn't sure if it was accurate on both sides of the marriage.

Mark nods. "You're probably right. But I'm still talking to Addison."

"I have to go. Rounds."

Meredith walks off, mortified.

**Izzie**

He'd showed up at work to see her. The guys Meredith kicks out never do that. Izzie feels slightly hopeful. Maybe this could be a change. Maybe Meredith can start to move on from Derek.

It's doubtful.

But there's a chance.

After Meredith walks off from Mark, Izzie follows her into the hall and falls into step next to her. Meredith has a strange look on her face.

"What's with you?"

"Mark."

"Yeah, he came to see you! I like him, Mer. Maybe he could be, you know, more than a one night-"

"Not me. Addison."

Izzie pauses. Trying to understand how this sentence could apply to anything said, then finding she couldn't, she simply said, "What?"

"He didn't come to see me. He came to see Addison."

"How does he know Addison?"

Meredith groans softly. She turns to Izzie, looking horrified. "That's Mark. As in Addison's Mark. The guy she cheated on Derek with. _Mark_!"

Izzie stares at her, openmouthed. "Wait…that's…that's the guy she cheated…and you slept with…oh my God, Meredith!"

"I know."

"So what is he doing here?"

"He wants to bring Addison back. Fat chance of that happening, though."

**Addison**

Her pager goes off. She's being paged to the nurse's station immediately.

She wonders if that means something was irregular in her patient's labs. Maybe…

She freezes.

He turns. Gives her that little half grin where only one side of his mouth goes up, his eyes narrowed.

"Hi."

She can't speak for a second. Finally, she approaches him swiftly, takes his arm and leads him out of earshot from the nurse sitting at the desk, notorious for gossip.

"What are you doing here, Mark?" She whispers.

"I came to bring you home."

She looks away for a moment. "Mark. I'm sorry that we left things the way we did…"

"You came her on a _case, _Addison."

She forces herself to look at him, her expression pained. "I know. But I stayed for my marriage. We're trying. Both of us. I _have _to try with him, Mark. I…I still love him."

"What about him?"

"Excuse me?"

"Does he love you?" Addison doesn't answer. "That intern…Meredith-"

"What about her?" Addison asks brusquely.

"The way I hear it…and yeah, I've heard a lot, he was pretty far gone with her."

"They're over, Mark. He doesn't even talk to her anymore." Mark makes a skeptical noise, but he's watching her carefully.

"That's it, huh? You're jealous. You just don't want him with her."

"That's not true. Now do me a favor and get out. Get out of the hospital, get out of the city, the state…just go. I can't have you here. I can't deal with it."

"I'm not leaving yet." His voice is low. "I miss you, Addison."

She determinedly avoids his gaze. "You can't be here."

"Why?"

"Derek could see you."

"Ha! Nice try. He's not working today."

Addison stares at him, confused. "What? Who told you that?"

"Car accident, right?"

"Who told you!"

"Meredith."

Addison stares at him, the color leaving her face. "What! Why were you talking to _her?_"

"Why not? We do have a lot in common." He's smirking again.

Addison's pager goes off. She glances at it, then up at him. "I have to go. I have a patient…please just leave."

"Fine. But just the hospital. I'm not leaving for good until we talk. You can't just tell me your leaving for a case then call and say you're not coming back.. You owe me an explanation!"

Unable to come up with a reply, she questions him again. "Why were _you _talking to _Meredith!"_

He shrugs slyly. "Guess you'll have to talk to me later to find out. I'm not going to stop calling. And I'm not going anywhere."

**Mark**

He watches Addison leave after her patient, but he doesn't go anywhere. Where else is there to go? He'll just hang around the hospital.

He doesn't trust Addison to call him. Or answer his calls. Or anything else. But he's not letting her get away that easy.

Not again.

Deciding the nurse's station may not be the best hang out, he begins to wander around. Maybe look in on Webber. Of course, he loves Derek so much he'll be dead set against Mark…if he know that is.

Mark shakes his head bitterly at the thought. He's sure Webber made Addison a great offer to stay, in spite of what she says about the marriage being her sole reason…he knows her too well. Of course Richard would have happily forgiven the woman who cheated on his old favorite student (Addison was one of the favorites as well) but for the guy who she cheated with…

Maybe looking in on Webber isn't the best idea.

**Derek**

He thought he'd be so glad to be out of that hospital room he'd appreciate the trailer.

But he's restless already, after one day at home.

How can he not be? All that time to sit and think about everything going wrong in his life lately. That's no difference from the hospital room.

After a couple of hours of noting, to give himself something to do, he dresses quickly and decides to head over to the hospital…paperwork, check up on post-op patients, things of that nature. If he'd being honest with himself, he's hoping to see Meredith. Just to see her…not talk. That's apparently forbidden now.

**Addison**

She's back at the nurses station a few hours later, this time half expecting to see Mark still standing there.

There's no one, though. She doesn't know if she's relieved or not.

The nurse, the gossipy one, is watching her curiously as she gives her the lab results.

"Something on your mind, Patricia?" Addison asks casually.

"That man you were talking to earlier…you know him?"

"An old colleague." Addison says vaguely. Patricia is always on the hunt for some sort of useful information…but it's unclear now whether she's fishing or if she has something to pass on.

"You asked him why he was talking to Dr. Grey…"

Addison struggles to keep her nonchalance, filling out some forms as they talk. "Yes."

"Well, you didn't hear this from me…I don't want to make trouble-" Addison nearly laughs. "But from what they were saying earlier, the two of them had a little thing."

Addison's pen slips from her hand, leaving a black mark on the paper. "A thing?"

"Slept together. Last night, I'd guess."

Addison meets her eyes. It's clear Patricia is dying to see how Addison reacts to this. "Hmmm. Well, that certainly clears up my question. I'll see you later." She turns leaving Patricia no doubt disappointed.

Addison's palms are sweating, her head spinning in a very unpleasant manner.

Mark and Meredith.

Meredith and Mark.

Together.

Of all the people in the damn city…

She's distracted all through the ultrasound and tests on her latest patient, and ends up leaving Stevens to take care of a good bit of work.

She moves through the hallway later, aimlessly, barely aware of her surroundings.

Until she sees Mark. Heading to the lobby. He obviously hung around.

She follows him and meets him right at the door.

"What the _hell_-"

"Whoa, Addison, I know I said I'd leave-"

"I don't care about that…you _slept _with _Meredith Grey!"_

"He what?"

They turn. Derek is standing there, staring at them in open horror.

**Derek**

The first thing he'd seen walking in the hospital was Mark.

Hallucination?

No, there was Addison, running after him.

His first thought was to walk up to the guy and punch him out. Then he hears what they say.

And suddenly he feels like he's back in that car, careening toward a tree, only dimly aware of the implications of what's about to happen.

"You…" He steps toward Mark, and despite the fact that he's slightly shorter and less built than his ex-best friend, Mark backs up at the look on Derek's face. "You…you and Meredith…I…you and _Meredith_?"

No 'what the hell are you doing here?'. No 'who do you think you are.' Nothing. None of that matters.

He feels Addison's eyes on him but he doesn't care. He's glaring at Mark. "You've been in town for, for…for what?"

"A day."

"A day. Right. You've been here a day and you already…" Words fail him. He's so angry he's shaking. "_Meredith_?"

"Derek, it's not like-" Addison's voice is quiet, uncertain.

"Shut up."

She stares openmouthed at him

"Hey, easy killer." Mark's tone is faintly amused. Derek hates him. "You've got good taste. I mean, she was pretty damn go-"

Derek's fist connects with Mark's cheek and Mark crumples to the ground under the impact.

"_Derek_!" Addison cries in alarm. She walks after him, grabbing his arm. "You can't just-"

He shakes his wife off. "Back off. And what the hell is he doing here anyway?" Without waiting for an answer, he stalks across the room and into the elevator.

**Meredith**

She's waiting on the second floor for the elevator. When it opens, her heart drops. Derek.

Her 'hey' won't even come out. Instead she walks in next to him and stands there, hoping the next few seconds will be quick.

To her surprise, he speaks. His tone is surprisingly hostile, "So. Hear you had a busy night last night."

Meredith feels like her blood runs cold at his words. "What?"

"You met Mark, huh?" She turns to face him, and he's smiling, in a terrifying, spiteful way.

Her tongue suddenly feels too big for her mouth. "D-Derek…I just-"

"No, it's fine. In fact, I think it's great. You two have something in common after all."

"Derek."

"You know what, Meredith? Just shut up. _Mark_. I would think he's the _one _guy even _you_ would avoid."

She turns to him completely, her eyes narrowed. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Stuff gets around this hospital. Even if you're a patient you hear it. And from the way I hear it you've been getting around lately."

A kind of roaring in her ears, Meredith reaches out and violently pulls the stop button on the elevator. She walks up to Derek and he backs up slightly, until his back's to the elevator wall.

"Don't you _dare _judge me. Why do you think I do that stuff Derek? Because I'll take a shit load of judgment and self-disgust and whispers and a bad reputation in exchange for a couple _hours _of forgetting about you, and forgetting about how much I'm hurting. And, yeah, to you that may be pathetic, but to me? It's the only thing I have. And it's none of your business anymore. You're the one who made the mess, and I'm not asking you to forgive or understand the way I pick it up." She leans out and pushes the stop button back in. Before the elevator opens, she meets his eyes one more time. "And Mark? I didn't know who he was, okay? So I wasn't trying to…make you jealous or get back at you, if that's what you're thinking. I didn't know."

**Derek**

He stays in the elevator even though the floor Meredith got off on is the one the patient he intended to see is on.

He goes to the very top and then back down again, unable to move. Finally, he walks out on the ground floor and robotically leaves the hospital. He doesn't even look to see if Addison and Mark are still there. He doesn't care.

He goes back to the trailer, one coherent thought making it's way into his brain.

_I practically called her a whore._

He had, right? That was the interpretation anyone would get from that, right?

He feels stupid.

Addison calls a couple times. He doesn't answer the phone. Let her think he's pissed at her for talking to Mark. He's dimly aware that she'll probably be angry at him, for his reaction.

He doesn't care.

**Addison**

She's suturing Mark's cheek in a private examination room rather than in the pit. She could see the look in his eyes that he'd been tempted to do it himself, but both of them wanted to time to talk.

He begins speaking after awhile. "You see Addison? He's still in love with her."

"Hmmm?"

"Derek. He still loves her. He's not even trying to hide it, not even in front of you. Can you really pretend you don't see that?"

She's silent. To be honest, she was deeply troubled by Derek's reaction. No point in telling Mark that. Or telling Mark that Derek had very recently openly admitted that he was in love with Meredith.

"I'm finished here." He turns his face toward her and she lowers her voice. "You should get out of here, Mark."

"So, what? That's it? I came here to get an explanation from you, and hopefully bring you back-"

"I'm not coming back, Mark. And my explanation is…I was tired of it. The affairs. The guilt. I needed to give my marriage a chance."

"Your marriage is dead, Addie." He informs her bluntly. "Why are you pretending not to notice?"

She looks away. "You should really go."

**Meredith**

She gets home from the hospital that night with Izzie and George and Derek's waiting on her porch. Both of them mumble something at him then hurry inside.

She attempts to push past him into the house, pretending as though he's not even there. But of course he doesn't allow it, laying his hand on hers when she touches the knob. She jerks back, and he uses the opportunity to position himself between her and the door.

"Dr. Shepard, please go away." She doesn't know why she does that. Dr. Shepard. As if that somehow makes everything more formal, as if it shadows the tension there. It doesn't sound normal. It sounds as if she's trying too hard.

"You don't have to call me-"

"Whatever. Leave."

"I wanted to say I'm sorry." He gets this out in a rush, as though he's concerned about being interrupted.

She looks at him.

"I shouldn't have…I mean, you're right. I'm in no place to judge you. IT's just….I was jealous. I mean, damn it, Meredith, it's going to be hard enough for me to see you with any guy…but _Mark_!"

"I didn't know it was him, Derek." She says softly, even though a part of her is scolding herself for feeling the need to explain.

"I know. It's just…the kind of guy he is. I wouldn't have thought you'd be taken in."

"Taken in! We were drunk, Derek, and I was just looking for an escape. I didn't care what the hell kind of guy he was. So shut up about it."

Derek just stands watching her for awhile, and she can tell he's struggling with himself over something. Finally he sighs and speaks slowly, "I know you're right. And I know it's not my place to say anything about it…but…I just can't look at you without thinking…" He trails off.

Meredith looks away from him, her voice tight. "Then don't look at me at all. You shouldn't be. Just…forget about me."

He puts his finger under her chin and lifts her face to look at him. "Yeah, right. Impossible."

She steps back. "You don't have a choice." She grabs the doorknob and this tie he doesn't object.

XXXXXXXXX

For the next two days at work, Meredith is looking forward to some days at the hospital without having to avoid Derek, but he comes in anyway, despite the fact that he can't operate.

She feels his glances in the halls, and there's a mixture of longing, guilt, and (sometimes the most prominent) disappointment or judgment. She knows what's on his mind, and every time he looks at her she feels like she's suffocating. She can't do this forever. She makes a decision…she'll talk to the Chief again. And this time she won't just ask questions.

Two days after Derek showed up for her porch, Bailey's giving out assignments in the locker room. Meredith hasn't been to Joe's since she met Mark. She'll be going back soon, she knows, but for now she's been settling for the tequila in the fridge. She doesn't want to attempt to talk to another guy yet. There's no telling who he'll end up being.

"Karev, you're with Dr. Burke, Stevens with Montgomery-Shepard…um, okay, O'Malley you're in the pit and Yang you're with Shepard. Grey…" She glances at Meredith. "Stay here. We need to talk."

Everyone in the room shoots Meredith looks. Meredith nods.

As the others file out to their assignments, Meredith mentally prepares herself for what's coming. Probably the talking to about the whole hand thing. Or the whole 'personal life getting in the way' speech.

**Bailey**

She watches Grey carefully. She's clearly dreading what's coming.

"Meredith…the Chief called me into his office a few days ago. He said you'd been to see him, asking about…about the process of transferring." Meredith looks slightly surprised; this wasn't what she was expecting. "I know…I know this whole situation is difficult for you, but…were you serious about transferring?"

Meredith's voice is quiet. "Actually, Dr. Bailey, I was going to talk to the Chief again today. To…to get the papers."

Bailey looks at her intently. She exhales slowly. "You're sure?"

Meredith's obviously extremely uncomfortable. "I…why? Do you think it's a mistake?"

Oh, God. This is a big question. Bailey wants to be straight with her, and she wants to give her something to think about.

"My first thought was no, you weren't. Maybe it's the best thing for you…to separate yourself from all this." No need to clarify what 'all this' is "But do you honestly believe it will help? Or will you get there and miss him more, be just as miserable, and not have your friends around to help."

Meredith's expression is pained, but she's clearly listening intently.

Bailey continues, "You're a great surgeon, Meredith. You would have a great future here, and obviously I don't want to see you go. But if you really believe that transferring will help you get past this whole thing, than you should."

Meredith is quiet for a moment, staring hard at the floor of the locker room. She still doesn't meet Bailey's eyes when she finally begins to speak. "I don't know if it will help. I don't know if anything will help, but.. I just know that its my best shot, and I know that staying here…" She chews on her lower lip unconsciously. "I can't be around them. Especially when they start to get better with each other. It's…it's bad enough seeing just him around here, but…to have to se them together? I can't do it. And I don't know if leaving will make it better, but it can't possibly get any worse. And I think it's my best shot."

Bailey nods. "And you've thought about this?"

"Yeah. A lot."

"Then it's your decision."

Meredith starts to stand up and leave, but remembers something. "Dr. Bailey…about this transfer…Derek can't know."

Bailey pauses, then nods. "Understandable."

**Meredith **

She goes to see Dr. Webber a few hours after her talk with Bailey and tells him she wants the transfer.

"And…where were you thinking about?"

She keeps her eyes on her hands through the entire talk. "Um, I was looking at going back to Boston. There's a really nice extended care facility just outside the city I could move my mother to." She hesitates. "The hospital….it's one of the foremost neurosurgery locations on the east coast."

"Neuro?"

Meredith nods. "Yes, sir."

"Is that…I mean…are you interested in specializing in neruo?"

Meredith shrugs uneasily. "Um, maybe. I haven't really…chosen. Just…for the future."

"Of course." His voice is heavy. "Meredith have you…have you given this serious consideration?"

"Yes, sir." She says feelingly. "I've gone over it so many times…"

"I don't want to see you go, Meredith. None of us do. Dr. Bailey. Dr. Shep-"

"About that. I don't want him to know."

Webber is quiet for so long after this statement that Meredith looks up at him. She can see he's uneasy about that.

"Please. He can't know anything about it. Please."

Dr. Webber nods reluctantly. "Derek won't know.

"And…and I want it as soon as possible."

He nods again. "Fill out the forms, get them back to me this afternoon…it should be taken care of in two or three weeks."

"Thanks."

She walks out of the office, clutching the papers in her hand, and she's glancing over the forms so intently that she collides with Alex as she turns the corner at the end of the hallway.

The papers slip from her hands and she gives a cry of surprise.

Alex grins at her. "Walk much, Mer?" He bends down for the forms. "I got it…"

She reaches out to snatch them back, but he's clearly caught a glance at the header on the papers. He stares at them, then at her, then back. "Application for transfer?" He stares at her questioningly. "These aren't yours, are they?"

She grabs them from him, not answering.

"Wait…you're…you're transferring? You're leaving?"

"Alex, look-"

"Because of Shepard?"

She exhales slowly. Secret's out. "Yeah, Alex. Because of Derek. And Addison. And Mark. But, yeah, mostly Derek."

Alex is staring at her in shock.

"Does Bailey know?"

"Yeah."

"Oh." He's quiet for a few moments, and Meredith starts to walk down the hall and he falls into step next to her. "Does Izzie?"

"No. Or Christina. Or George. I haven't told anyone yet."

"Oh." Another few minutes of silence. "When?"

"Couple weeks."

"Damn." They're outside the locker room and he turns to look at her. "I mean…it's for sure? You're, you're not just thinking about it."

"No, Alex, I…I decided for sure."

He looks away, then repeats, "Damn."

They step into the locker room and he lowers his voice to a whisper. "Are you gonna tell them?"

"Now that you know, I better."

"Hey." George, Izzie and Christina are already in the locker room.

"What do you two look so serious about?" This is typical of Izzie, picking up on the mood instantly.

"Meredith has news." Alex says bluntly, somewhat to Meredith's annoyance but at least saving her the trouble of an awkward opening.

Christina is chewing on a power bar. "What's up?"

Meredith closes her eyes momentarily. This will be the hardest part.

"Okay…um, in the past few months of working together, you guys…well you've been like my family, and I don't know how I'd could have gotten through all this crap lately without you…"

Izzie and George look concerned, but Christina says bluntly, "Meredith, you better have a point."

"I-I do…you've helped me a lot, all of you but…it's still really hard to be here, around Derek and lately I just feel like I'm not doing myself or any of you any good, and it's just getting harder so…" Her eyes are stinging with tears, so she closes her eyes and gets it out in a rush. "I talked to Dr. Bailey and the Chief and I'm…I'm applying for a transfer.

"_What_!" This comes from Izzie and George.

"No!"

"Meredith, you can't-"

"I'm sorry, and I didn't like making that decision, but I just…I don't think I can make it here much longer. It's just too hard." She looks at them pleadingly. "I'm sorry."

Izzie stands and hugs Meredith, hard. "Are you sure?" She asks tearfully.

"No. But, I am sure that I can't take being around here."

"We'll miss you…" George's voice is quiet. He steps up and hugs her, too.

That's when she notices Christina hasn't said anything. She looks at her and sees her best friend has a disgusted look on her face.

"Christina, I-"

"So that's it?"

Meredith is quiet, not sure what Christina means. The others have stepped back slightly.

"That's what you do? You're just…running away?"

"Yeah, I guess I am."

"And you're okay with that?" Christina's voice is rising in anger.

"_No_, I'm not okay with it! But I don't know what else to do. I can't stay here-"

"Yeah, not if you're weak."

"Well, then, I'm weak." Meredith's fighting tears now. "I don't like it, but let's face it, when has there been anything showing that I can be strong when it comes to Derek? But I've really tried. But it's been hell. And I can't do it anymore, Christina. It's killing me."

"So what are you telling me this?"

"I just want you to understand!"

"Well, I don't." Meredith's almost crying, and Izzie is trying to give Christina looks to stop her, but she ignores them. "I don't understand how you're going to give up, run away, leave everything just because of some guy!"

"It's not just _some _guy."

"Yeah, whatever. You want to run from your problems, fine. Good luck with that." She stands, slams her lockers and stomps out of the room

**PLEASE REVIEW THIS CHAPTER BEFORE PROCEEDING TO THE NEXT ONE! I ALSO APOLOGIZE FOR BEING OBSESSIVE ABOUT THAT REQUEST!**


	10. How to Say Goodbye

**Okay, so here's the next chapter. Hope you reviewed the last one before reading this one. If not, go back and do it. Just kidding. But, seriously, I'd prefer you to, for the reasons I said before.**

**Also, I am not dealing much with the Mark/Addison thing because this isn't their story, it's Derek and Meredith's. Anyway. Review this chapter…I want reviews for both, cuz that'll be a nice incentive for me to post the next chapter, which I do have already done. But like I said, I'm at the beach and I don't know if I'll be able to get back over to the wireless area of this campground before I get back. I'm definitely going to try, and I probably will, but just in case, I'll definitely post again on Saturday, when we get home. But like I said, I'll try to get over to the area within a couple days. At any rate, the updates will come fast after this week, because I'm almost done with the story.**

**PLEASE REVIEW THIS CHAPTER AND THE LAST ONE!**

**Derek**

He stays in the elevator even though the floor Meredith got off on is the one the patient he intended to see is on.

He goes to the very top and then back down again, unable to move. Finally, he walks out on the ground floor and robotically leaves the hospital. He doesn't even look to see if Addison and Mark are still there. He doesn't care.

He goes back to the trailer, one coherent thought making it's way into his brain.

_I practically called her a whore._

He had, right? That was the interpretation anyone would get from that, right?

He feels stupid.

Addison calls a couple times. He doesn't answer the phone. Let her think he's pissed at her for talking to Mark. He's dimly aware that she'll probably be angry at him, for his reaction.

He doesn't care.

**Addison**

She's suturing Mark's cheek in a private examination room rather than in the pit. She could see the look in his eyes that he'd been tempted to do it himself, but both of them wanted to time to talk.

He begins speaking after awhile. "You see Addison? He's still in love with her."

"Hmmm?"

"Derek. He still loves her. He's not even trying to hide it, not even in front of you. Can you really pretend you don't see that?"

She's silent. To be honest, she was deeply troubled by Derek's reaction. No point in telling Mark that. Or telling Mark that Derek had very recently openly admitted that he was in love with Meredith.

"I'm finished here." He turns his face toward her and she lowers her voice. "You should get out of here, Mark."

"So, what? That's it? I came here to get an explanation from you, and hopefully bring you back-"

"I'm not coming back, Mark. And my explanation is…I was tired of it. The affairs. The guilt. I needed to give my marriage a chance."

"Your marriage is dead, Addie." He informs her bluntly. "Why are you pretending not to notice?"

She looks away. "You should really go."

**Meredith**

She gets home from the hospital that night with Izzie and George and Derek's waiting on her porch. Both of them mumble something at him then hurry inside.

She attempts to push past him into the house, pretending as though he's not even there. But of course he doesn't allow it, laying his hand on hers when she touches the knob. She jerks back, and he uses the opportunity to position himself between her and the door.

"Dr. Shepard, please go away." She doesn't know why she does that. Dr. Shepard. As if that somehow makes everything more formal, as if it shadows the tension there. It doesn't sound normal. It sounds as if she's trying too hard.

"You don't have to call me-"

"Whatever. Leave."

"I wanted to say I'm sorry." He gets this out in a rush, as though he's concerned about being interrupted.

She looks at him.

"I shouldn't have…I mean, you're right. I'm in no place to judge you. IT's just….I was jealous. I mean, damn it, Meredith, it's going to be hard enough for me to see you with any guy…but _Mark_!"

"I didn't know it was him, Derek." She says softly, even though a part of her is scolding herself for feeling the need to explain.

"I know. It's just…the kind of guy he is. I wouldn't have thought you'd be taken in."

"Taken in! We were drunk, Derek, and I was just looking for an escape. I didn't care what the hell kind of guy he was. So shut up about it."

Derek just stands watching her for awhile, and she can tell he's struggling with himself over something. Finally he sighs and speaks slowly, "I know you're right. And I know it's not my place to say anything about it…but…I just can't look at you without thinking…" He trails off.

Meredith looks away from him, her voice tight. "Then don't look at me at all. You shouldn't be. Just…forget about me."

He puts his finger under her chin and lifts her face to look at him. "Yeah, right. Impossible."

She steps back. "You don't have a choice." She grabs the doorknob and this tie he doesn't object.

XXXXXXXXX

For the next two days at work, Meredith is looking forward to some days at the hospital without having to avoid Derek, but he comes in anyway, despite the fact that he can't operate.

She feels his glances in the halls, and there's a mixture of longing, guilt, and (sometimes the most prominent) disappointment or judgment. She knows what's on his mind, and every time he looks at her she feels like she's suffocating. She can't do this forever. She makes a decision…she'll talk to the Chief again. And this time she won't just ask questions.

Two days after Derek showed up for her porch, Bailey's giving out assignments in the locker room. Meredith hasn't been to Joe's since she met Mark. She'll be going back soon, she knows, but for now she's been settling for the tequila in the fridge. She doesn't want to attempt to talk to another guy yet. There's no telling who he'll end up being.

"Karev, you're with Dr. Burke, Stevens with Montgomery-Shepard…um, okay, O'Malley you're in the pit and Yang you're with Shepard. Grey…" She glances at Meredith. "Stay here. We need to talk."

Everyone in the room shoots Meredith looks. Meredith nods.

As the others file out to their assignments, Meredith mentally prepares herself for what's coming. Probably the talking to about the whole hand thing. Or the whole 'personal life getting in the way' speech.

**Bailey**

She watches Grey carefully. She's clearly dreading what's coming.

"Meredith…the Chief called me into his office a few days ago. He said you'd been to see him, asking about…about the process of transferring." Meredith looks slightly surprised; this wasn't what she was expecting. "I know…I know this whole situation is difficult for you, but…were you serious about transferring?"

Meredith's voice is quiet. "Actually, Dr. Bailey, I was going to talk to the Chief again today. To…to get the papers."

Bailey looks at her intently. She exhales slowly. "You're sure?"

Meredith's obviously extremely uncomfortable. "I…why? Do you think it's a mistake?"

Oh, God. This is a big question. Bailey wants to be straight with her, and she wants to give her something to think about.

"My first thought was no, you weren't. Maybe it's the best thing for you…to separate yourself from all this." No need to clarify what 'all this' is "But do you honestly believe it will help? Or will you get there and miss him more, be just as miserable, and not have your friends around to help."

Meredith's expression is pained, but she's clearly listening intently.

Bailey continues, "You're a great surgeon, Meredith. You would have a great future here, and obviously I don't want to see you go. But if you really believe that transferring will help you get past this whole thing, than you should."

Meredith is quiet for a moment, staring hard at the floor of the locker room. She still doesn't meet Bailey's eyes when she finally begins to speak. "I don't know if it will help. I don't know if anything will help, but.. I just know that its my best shot, and I know that staying here…" She chews on her lower lip unconsciously. "I can't be around them. Especially when they start to get better with each other. It's…it's bad enough seeing just him around here, but…to have to se them together? I can't do it. And I don't know if leaving will make it better, but it can't possibly get any worse. And I think it's my best shot."

Bailey nods. "And you've thought about this?"

"Yeah. A lot."

"Then it's your decision."

Meredith starts to stand up and leave, but remembers something. "Dr. Bailey…about this transfer…Derek can't know."

Bailey pauses, then nods. "Understandable."

**Meredith **

She goes to see Dr. Webber a few hours after her talk with Bailey and tells him she wants the transfer.

"And…where were you thinking about?"

She keeps her eyes on her hands through the entire talk. "Um, I was looking at going back to Boston. There's a really nice extended care facility just outside the city I could move my mother to." She hesitates. "The hospital….it's one of the foremost neurosurgery locations on the east coast."

"Neuro?"

Meredith nods. "Yes, sir."

"Is that…I mean…are you interested in specializing in neruo?"

Meredith shrugs uneasily. "Um, maybe. I haven't really…chosen. Just…for the future."

"Of course." His voice is heavy. "Meredith have you…have you given this serious consideration?"

"Yes, sir." She says feelingly. "I've gone over it so many times…"

"I don't want to see you go, Meredith. None of us do. Dr. Bailey. Dr. Shep-"

"About that. I don't want him to know."

Webber is quiet for so long after this statement that Meredith looks up at him. She can see he's uneasy about that.

"Please. He can't know anything about it. Please."

Dr. Webber nods reluctantly. "Derek won't know.

"And…and I want it as soon as possible."

He nods again. "Fill out the forms, get them back to me this afternoon…it should be taken care of in two or three weeks."

"Thanks."

She walks out of the office, clutching the papers in her hand, and she's glancing over the forms so intently that she collides with Alex as she turns the corner at the end of the hallway.

The papers slip from her hands and she gives a cry of surprise.

Alex grins at her. "Walk much, Mer?" He bends down for the forms. "I got it…"

She reaches out to snatch them back, but he's clearly caught a glance at the header on the papers. He stares at them, then at her, then back. "Application for transfer?" He stares at her questioningly. "These aren't yours, are they?"

She grabs them from him, not answering.

"Wait…you're…you're transferring? You're leaving?"

"Alex, look-"

"Because of Shepard?"

She exhales slowly. Secret's out. "Yeah, Alex. Because of Derek. And Addison. And Mark. But, yeah, mostly Derek."

Alex is staring at her in shock.

"Does Bailey know?"

"Yeah."

"Oh." He's quiet for a few moments, and Meredith starts to walk down the hall and he falls into step next to her. "Does Izzie?"

"No. Or Christina. Or George. I haven't told anyone yet."

"Oh." Another few minutes of silence. "When?"

"Couple weeks."

"Damn." They're outside the locker room and he turns to look at her. "I mean…it's for sure? You're, you're not just thinking about it."

"No, Alex, I…I decided for sure."

He looks away, then repeats, "Damn."

They step into the locker room and he lowers his voice to a whisper. "Are you gonna tell them?"

"Now that you know, I better."

"Hey." George, Izzie and Christina are already in the locker room.

"What do you two look so serious about?" This is typical of Izzie, picking up on the mood instantly.

"Meredith has news." Alex says bluntly, somewhat to Meredith's annoyance but at least saving her the trouble of an awkward opening.

Christina is chewing on a power bar. "What's up?"

Meredith closes her eyes momentarily. This will be the hardest part.

"Okay…um, in the past few months of working together, you guys…well you've been like my family, and I don't know how I'd could have gotten through all this crap lately without you…"

Izzie and George look concerned, but Christina says bluntly, "Meredith, you better have a point."

"I-I do…you've helped me a lot, all of you but…it's still really hard to be here, around Derek and lately I just feel like I'm not doing myself or any of you any good, and it's just getting harder so…" Her eyes are stinging with tears, so she closes her eyes and gets it out in a rush. "I talked to Dr. Bailey and the Chief and I'm…I'm applying for a transfer.

"_What_!" This comes from Izzie and George.

"No!"

"Meredith, you can't-"

"I'm sorry, and I didn't like making that decision, but I just…I don't think I can make it here much longer. It's just too hard." She looks at them pleadingly. "I'm sorry."

Izzie stands and hugs Meredith, hard. "Are you sure?" She asks tearfully.

"No. But, I am sure that I can't take being around here."

"We'll miss you…" George's voice is quiet. He steps up and hugs her, too.

That's when she notices Christina hasn't said anything. She looks at her and sees her best friend has a disgusted look on her face.

"Christina, I-"

"So that's it?"

Meredith is quiet, not sure what Christina means. The others have stepped back slightly.

"That's what you do? You're just…running away?"

"Yeah, I guess I am."

"And you're okay with that?" Christina's voice is rising in anger.

"_No_, I'm not okay with it! But I don't know what else to do. I can't stay here-"

"Yeah, not if you're weak."

"Well, then, I'm weak." Meredith's fighting tears now. "I don't like it, but let's face it, when has there been anything showing that I can be strong when it comes to Derek? But I've really tried. But it's been hell. And I can't do it anymore, Christina. It's killing me."

"So what are you telling me this?"

"I just want you to understand!"

"Well, I don't." Meredith's almost crying, and Izzie is trying to give Christina looks to stop her, but she ignores them. "I don't understand how you're going to give up, run away, leave everything just because of some guy!"

"It's not just _some _guy."

"Yeah, whatever. You want to run from your problems, fine. Good luck with that." She stands, slams her lockers and stomps out of the room

**Derek**

"Trying" with Addison is no better than he'd thought it would be.

After the Mark incident, she'd come home hoping to talk about it, but he hadn't been able to make himself care what Mark was doing there that had to do with Addison. Not after finding out about him and Meredith. And Addison had no choice but to forgive Derek's anger over Mark's interaction with Meredith, because he wasn't going to apologize, explain, or discuss it. She'd yelled for awhile, but he was past caring.

He knew Mark had tried calling Addison about a hundred times for the first few days after he showed up, and he knew Addison had ignored the calls until he'd finally given up.

He knew this because Addison had told him. Several times. She apparently felt she deserved some kind of credit for this.

Derek knew he was giving as solid of an effort as he could. But it was difficult to pretend to be happy with Addison when he felt trapped. The marriage was suffocating, and it was claustrophobic, and he wanted out.

They'd tried to fall back in their old patterns, doing normal couple's things like going out to dinner. Simple things that to anyone else looked perfectly normal, but to Derek and Addison it was a big step; sitting together, only the two of them, at a table for two hours.

However, more often than not, it would be Addison making all the effort, doing all the talking, and Derek would find himself zoning out on her, thinking of Meredith.

They'd returned to marriage counseling. Derek answered questions when asked, but had little to contribute to the discussion. He hated the counselor…a really pretentious guy who was clearly priding himself of trying to get to the 'root' issues…trying to get Derek to talk about his feelings about the adultery and his feelings about Meredith.

Addison really threw herself into it, giving what she was clearly hoping were provoking responses to the reasons behind the adultery and her fears about Meredith. Derek would be flippant, short, and sarcastic, and they invariably drove home in sullen silence, which, at home in the trailer, would turn to fights where Addison yelled and Derek kept his voice detached and bored, the result usually being Addison fighting tears and accusing him of being purposefully difficult.

The truth is, Derek is changing in front of Addison, and he feels like the real 'him' is lost somewhere, and hasn't really been around since he chose Addison, back when he was happy.

He's become sullen, depressive, sulky. He doesn't like himself this way. The one thing he still has of himself, the desire to operate, the passion for his patient's…that's put on hold while he 'recovers'.

Well, it's not the 'only' thing he still has. The way he feels about Meredith…that hasn't changed. But that's trapped, too.

The hospital thing…that's another problem with Addison. He'd only been stuck at home for half a day when he'd grown sick of it. Sitting around with his new, unappealing self and thinking constantly about everything he's fucked up in his life…and she wonders why this isn't relaxing.

The point is, it shouldn't take much to figure out why he keeps showing up at the hospital, checking patients, catching up on paper work. He'll be able to work again in another week, anyway, but having nothing to do…it's driving him crazy.

Addison doesn't see it that way, "You're not fooling anyone, Derek, I never once heard you complaining about boredom or restlessness when you were in the hospital room! You just want to hang around here so you can see _her_."

She's not entirely wrong, but he denies it. Meredith isn't the only reason he keeps going to the hospital, but he'd be lying if he said it wasn't an incentive…though he did lie of course, even to himself, yet find his eyes darting around the hallways hoping to catch a glimpse of her.

He doesn't even know if Addison really believes her accusations, though, any of them. Lately she seems to want to provoke him, desperately hoping to draw him out of his indifferent, 'who cares' attitude.

**Meredith**

The transfer forms are turned in, and it's been approved. She's leaving in two weeks.

And suddenly everything is happening too fast.

She takes care of the details without the reality hitting. New apartment. Making arrangements for her mother.

The night after she told everyone, she sits with George and Izzie in the living room. Christina hadn't spoken to her all day at work, and the mood was considerably dismal with all of them.

George seems to speak hesitantly. "Meredith we were just wondering…the house…"

She looks at them apologetically. "I'll put it on the market eventually, but I'm not in any hurry. It'll take awhile to sell anyway so just…take all the time you need here."

They nod.

Meredith no longer goes to such an effort to avoid Derek in the hallway. Sure, the entire point of her leaving is so she doesn't have to see him…still, the thought of it actually happening is terrifying.

The next few weeks pass too quickly. She packs, forcing herself to go through her mothers boxes after all that time of avoiding them.

A couple of days before she leaves, Derek comes back to work for real, cleared for surgery and everything.

She goes to Joe's a few times, but doesn't take home any guys.

The days pass. Christina hasn't said a word to her since she found out.

Bailey isn't assigning her to Derek, either.

Alex, Izzie, and George are especially nice to her. So is Dr. Bailey. So is the Chief. So is Dr. Burke, when she works with him. It seems everyone knows.

Except for Derek.

**Christina**

Three days before Meredith moves. Christina's been ignoring her.

The night Meredith told them, after she'd stomped out of the locker room, she slammed into the apartment in a fury and given Burke the entire story, including the reasons why she thought Meredith was being weak and a coward and basically making a stupid decision.

Then Burke had looked at her with his annoyingly understanding look. "You just don't want her to leave. And you don't want to act like you might, God forbid, miss your best friend when she moves, so you pretend to be mad at her."

Christina had glared at him. "What the hell are you, my therapist? Do me a favor and stop analyzing everything I do. I'm not that complicated of a person. And I'm not pretending."

Three days before Meredith leaves, Bailey assigns them to work together and it seems as if the entire world is conspiring for some movie moment break down. Christina can see it in her head: the apologizing, crying, hugging. None of these things that Christina wants to do, but what everyone is expecting.

They're going to be disappointed.

Christina still doesn't speak to her.

At lunch, Meredith is close behind her when they join the others at the table. The mood at the table is low; it's been like that for the past week, since the reality of Meredith's imminent departure had hit.

Izzie and George are talking for a bit about a patient that have, but no one else adds anything to the conversation. When the table falls completely silent, Meredith tries to get the conversation going by talking about their patient.

"We've got a guy with a brain tumor, and we can get most of it out, and we have about a good chance of getting the rest of it out with radiation after. He could walk away free….but he doesn't know if he wants to treatment." She shakes her head in disbelief. "It's crazy…we tried to convince him, but…I don't know. What do you think he'll end up doing?" She looking at Christina, and it's a vain and desperate attempt to pretend that things are normal.

For a moment, Christina just stares straight ahead, chewing. Then, without looking at Meredith she says, "Well, I think he'll run. I think he's too much of a _damn _coward to stay and fight and deal with a little bit of pain, and even though it will hurt him a lot more in the long run, he's going to run because it seems easier _now_. Sound familiar?"

She knows without looking that Meredith's doing the hurtful look thing, but she won't look at it. Izzie gives her an appalled look. "Christina, will you just-"

"No, I won't."

She spends a second looking at the others (not Meredith). Izzie, George and even Alex are looking at her angrily.

Sick of this, sick of their looks, and even sick of the look she knows Meredith is giving her from the seat next to her, she pushes her chair back and stands up, stomping off, not even bothering to throw away her food.

Not until she gets inside the hospital does she hear the footsteps behind her, turns around and sees Alex standing behind her.

"What do you want?"

He steps closer to her, so he's right up in her face. "What the hell is your problem?"

"I don't have a problem. I-"

"You do have a problem? What the hell are you doing to her! She's your best friend, she's moving in three days and you won't even _talk_ to her. You're being a bitch-"

"Shut up, Evil Spawn. It's none of your business. Since when do you care about Meredith anyway?"

"Since when do you not?" He shoots back.

"I care enough to be pissed off at what she's doing. She's running-"

"It's her fucking decision, Yang. If you don't like it, fine, that's up to you, but it's none of your business what she decides or what she thinks. And why don't you be honest for a change, and admit that the reason you're pissed is not because she's doing something weak or cowardly. It's because you don't want her to leave, you might actually miss her, and you don't want to admit that, so you're making it easier by acting mad."

This all sounds very familiar. Another want to be shrink, clearly. He and Burke should get together and talk about her secret motivations for everything she does.

"Shut up, Karev. This…." She trails off, because for once in her life she can't think of a smartass comeback, anything to say to his little speech there. "Just shut up."

"Fine. Stop treating her like crap. She's having a hard time."

"Why do you _care_?"

"Because she's my friend."

"News to me."

He gives her a disgusted look. "Grow up, Christina." He turns and walks back outside.

**Bailey**

It's Grey's last day at work and Bailey knows everyone's going to be distracted.

When she's in the locker room, the atmosphere is depressed. Meredith looks at her when she enters and Bailey can't help but feel sad for the girl. Her eyes are red rimmed, and she looks upset. Her voice is quiet and hesitant when she asks, "Dr. Bailey, I know…I know we're not supposed to do this, but…could I maybe work with Dr. Shepard today…you know, if he needs an intern?"

For a moment, Bailey is confused. All of this, the transfer and the moving, have been about getting away from Derek. Ever since he came back to work Bailey's been giving her someone else and she was sure that Meredith appreciated it.

Then she realizes it; Shepard's still in the dark about this transfer, so this is probably the last time Meredith will see him, maybe ever, at least for awhile.

With a slight pang of sadness, Bailey nods. "Yeah, of course."

**Derek**

"Dr. Shepard, Dr. Bailey sent me."

He turns, surprised. Meredith. True to the spirit of his arrangement with Addison, he hasn't requested her since he came back to work, and Bailey hasn't sent her.

He's glad to see her. He smiles.

They start working on their case, and it doesn't take him long to figure out something's wrong, and she's upset about something.

He wants to ask her if she's okay, but isn't sure if he should try to overstep the boundary of their work-only relationship…she'd made it clear the last time they'd talked, when he'd been leaving the hospital, that that was all they were allowed to be now.

Still, he watches her throughout the day. She's great with the patient; only Derek would be able to pick up on the difference in her demeanor. He notices her looking at him a few times, with an unreadable expression: sort of wistful, desperate, and definitely sad.

Finally, when they're alone, looking over some results from a CT scan, he asks gently, "Meredith, is everything okay?"

She glances at him. "Yeah, fine." The tone of her voice suggests the opposite.

He smiles slightly. "Liar."

She meets his eyes, and she's not smiling. "I'm really fine."

His smile drops. He wants to tell her that he knows her well enough to know she's lying, and he wants to hug her and tell that whatever's bothering her will be okay, but he doesn't. He just nods and turns back to his work.

Their patient needs surgery, and they schedule it for late in the evening. Everything goes smoothly, and they're done by about eight thirty. Afterwards, they're in the scrub room and Derek lingers slightly until he and Meredith are the only two remaining.

He doesn't know if it's his imagination, or wishful thinking, or whatever, but he has a feeling she was doing the same.

"You did good today." He tells her finally, hoping to break the silence.

"Thanks." Her voice is barely audible, and she's not looking at him. "How are things going with Addison?"

The question surprises him, and he runs his fingers through his hair absently. "Um…they're going alright. I mean…yeah, I guess okay."

She looks up at him. "Good."

"Yeah." He pauses, then says hesitantly, "But…God, I miss you."

He sees her eyes are glistening with tears. He steps closer. "Meredith, what is it?"

She doesn't back up. "I'm really fine…" She wipes her face where a tear slid out.

"You're not, Mer, something's wrong…please, talk to me…"

"It's nothing…I have to go." She doesn't move, however, instead staring at him intently, looking like she's about to lose it.

His fear increases. "Mer, please…"

"I have to go." She's barely whispering.

**Meredith**

He's looking at her in that sad, worried way that's breaking her heart. She knows she needs to move, get out, but she can't make herself pull her eyes from his.

Then, because it no longer matters, she steps closer and puts her arms around him.

Bewildered, he hugs her back, holding her tightly. "Meredith, what the…What is it, you can tell me?"

"Nothing." Her voice breaks, and she closes her eyes behind his back, reaching her hand up to wipe the tears that she can't stop from falling. She lets him go, reluctantly and looks at him again. "Bye, Derek."

She turns and walks out of the scrub room, barely stopping the sobs. She hears him calling after her.

She keeps going, resisting the urge to look back.


	11. Even too Scared to be a Coward

**So this is another long chapter. Thanks for all the reviews for the last one, they were great! I love that you guys are reading this. Also, I kind of forgot to bring the disk that had Polaris on our vacation with me, so there hasn't been an update on that in awhile, but I'm definitely planning one in the next day or two. **

**Also, my apologies for the way chapter ten was half of the same thing as chapter nine. I was making new documents off a disc and I guess I got careless with chapter division. Anyway, sorry to be confusing.**

**And to whoever said that I kind of rushed the Mark/Meredith thing, I reread the stuff, and I think I agree with you…but my whole point of dong the Mark/Meredith thing wasn't for a central plot…it was to be the last straw the push Meredith to transferring (as in, the way Derek couldn't look at her the same way) and also to be used with the Addiosn/Derek storyline a bit in the next two chapters.**

**Reviews are always greatly appreciated! Obviously I don't own Grey's Anatomy (I would probably bend the whole summer hiatus rule…this is kind of torture, IMO) and I also don't own the James Blunt lyrics to Goodbye My Lover used in the chapter.**

**Chapter Eleven**

**Meredith**

She's crying when she gets to the locker room. Her friends are waiting there, even though most of them finished for the day already…even Christina's there.

Her flight is at midnight. She needs to leave for the airport straight from the hospital.

"Thanks for sticking around, you guys."

"Whatever." This is Christina. "I have surgery in half an hour anyway."

Meredith wants desperately to say something to her. This is really how Christina wants to leave it? But the arrogant part of her keeps her quiet. If Christina wants to act like a kid, let her.

"You okay, Mer?" Izzie asks.

"Not really…I just saw Derek."

"Oh." She understands.

"I hate to say this guys but…I kind of have to go."

Izzie hugs her first, and they're both crying. "Call as soon as you get there, okay?"

"I will."

"You sure you don't want us to take you to the airport?"

"Oh, no, God no…I couldn't handle it if you guys were there…"

George hugs her next. "I'm gonna miss living with you."

"I know, me too. But I'll visit."

"Yeah."

Alex hugs her. "Take care of yourself, okay?"

When they're done, she glances at Christina. The others watch expectantly. Christina won't look at her. "See you around."

"Right." Meredith's throat is tight.

"You're making a mistake."

"Maybe."

Christina nods. "Okay, bye then."

Meredith waits. When Christina doesn't say anything else, she adds, "Yeah bye." Then turns to the others, her voice unsteady. "I'm going to miss you guys…I love you…"

She turns and goes.

Dr. Bailey is in the hallway waiting for her. **"**You ready?"

Meredith wipes her face. "No. Christina's still not talking to me, and the one person I really need to say goodbye I can't, because he can't know I'm leaving. But other than that…yeah, I'm ready."

Bailey nods. "I just wanted to tell you that I hope things work out for you. You're a damn good surgeon, Meredith. We're sorry to see you go. If you change your mind…"

Meredith stares at the ground. "Do you think I'm making a mistake?"

"I have no way of knowing that. I don't know how it feels for you to walk around here with him, and I don't know what you're going to feel like when you're away from it all."

"Yeah, well…I don't know either. The last one, I mean."

Bailey half-smiles at her. "I know you don't. That's what you have to figure it out." She clears her throat. "Don't be a stranger, now."

Meredith, without even thinking about it, gives Bailey a quick hug. "Thank you. For everything."

Bailey looks at her, surprised at first, then she just nods. "Bye, Meredith."

**Christina**

As soon as Meredith leaves, Izzie whirls on her. "That's it? That's how you're leaving it?"

"Yeah, you have a problem?"

"You are unbelievable."

Izzie's practically crying, George is sitting on the bench with his head in his hands, and Alex is sitting next to him, glaring at Christina.

She stands up. "I don't need this shit…I have a surgery to go to…" She stomps out.

**Derek**

He's waiting by her car in the parking lot when she gets out of the building.

She notices him when she's halfway across the parking lot, and she stops, looking around desperately as though looking for an escape, seeing none, and walks hurriedly to the car, speaking before he gets a chance to.

"Derek, I have to go-"

He steps in front of the door on the drivers side of the car, knowing he's being annoying but not caring. "Tell me what's wrong?."

She's not looking at him. "Why are you so sure something's wrong?"

"I know you."

"Look, I…" He can tell she's trying too hard to keep her voice casual. "I'm having a rough day, okay?" She meets his eyes finally. "You should go, okay? Addison might see-"

"I don't care." He says bluntly. "I'm just worried-"

"Well, don't be." She snaps.

"I just…" He sighs. "In the scrub room earlier…"

"What, because I hugged you?" Her cheeks flush slightly. "How messed up is that?"

He's confused. "What?"

"That _that _worried you."

"Not just…come on, Mer, you've been acting upset all day…" He meets her eyes. "You've been crying."

She tries to reach to the door handle and he puts a hand on her arm. "I'm not moving until you tell me what's wrong."

She looks at him helplessly for a moment, then stares at the ground. "Fine. I didn't want you to know this but…" She hesitates. "I applied for a transfer."

Meredith might as well have hauled off and punched him…the shock is the same. "Wha…what?"

"I'm moving, Derek. To Boston."

He feels sick.

"When?"

She winces slightly. "My flights in a few hours."

_Did I disappoint you or let you down?  
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?_

Protests explode in his mind, persuasions. Try to make a decent, forceful argument…

Instead, he simply gives a quiet, desperate, "No."

Her eyes are pained and she seems to have to make a great effort to meet his. "I have to. I have nothing to stay here for."

_Cause I saw the end before we'd begun_

_Yes, I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won_

_Me! _He's screaming inwardly. "But…but…" Give her a reason. "What about us?"

It's the wrong thing to say, he can tell instantly by the way she closes her eyes tightly, suppressing tears. "There…there _is_ no us, Derek. There's you and Addison, but no us. That's…that's _why_ I'm leaving."

_So I took what's mine by eternal right_

_Took your soul out into the night_

He winces. A million thoughts pour into his mind, emotions crashing. Guilt, self-disgust, anger, desperation…

He desperately searches for the right words, something to convince her to stay. Talk her out of it. Beg her. Promise something…

Tears are rolling down her cheeks and she brushes impatiently at them.

"Maybe…maybe there's no us now, but…"

_It may be over but it won't stop there_

_I am here for you if you'd only care_

She laughs softly, without an ounce of amusement. "What did you think, Derek? That once you were done trying with Addison we'd move on like it never happened? Happily ever after?"

He flushes. What was so wrong with happily ever after? "Maybe. I mean, I don't know. I just always thought that…we'd get another chance. Remember when I asked you?"

"Asked me what?"

He thinks back to the fight he and Meredith had had in his hospital room after he'd woken up from the coma. "After I told you I made a mistake. I asked you what if I'm right? About not being able to get past it?"

_You touched my heart, you touched my soul_

_You changed my life and all my goals_

She nods. "And I said I didn't know."

"But now?"

She hesitates, seeming to search for the words. "I still don't. I just know that I can't stay here."

_Love is blind that I knew _

_When my heart was blinded by you_

His mind still on the conversation in the hospital, he tells her, "I told you not to say I didn't try. Try to take back what happened, I mean."

"I know. You tried. But it was too late."

He stares at her, his heart pounding. They sink into silence for a few moments.

Her voice breaks the quiet, soft and shaky. "I really do have to go now, Derek."

Tears prick his eyes. "Mer…please…please don't."

_I've kissed your lips and held your head_

_Shared your dreams and shared your bed_

**Meredith**

The tone of his voice is breaking her heart; the desperate, pleading tone. She's getting lost in his gaze. She wants so much to say, okay, I won't go.

_I'll stay with you._

But she can't.

They stand there for awhile, in spite of what she said about having to go. She can't make herself leave him.

After awhile, she looks up. "It's starting to rain." She observes softly.

"So?"

_I know you well, I know your smell_

_I've been addicted to you_

He's still standing in her way.

She reaches for the door handle behind his back. "Derek." Her voice cracks.

His expression anguished, he whispers, "What can I do? What can I do to make you stay?"

_Goodbye my lover_

_Goodbye my friend_

_You have been the one_

_You have been the one for me_

If only anything were that simple.

"Nothing."

_I am a dreamer but when I wake,  
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take._

The expression on his face showed that he knew that would be her answer.

"I love you."

_And as you move on, remember me,  
Remember us and all we used to be_

I love you, too. That's in her head.

But her throat is too tight to form the reply. It would sound too weary coming from her lips.

She pulls the handle of the car and it hits him lightly in the back. He still doesn't move, staring at her with a firm look on his face.

_I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.  
I've watched you sleeping for a while._

She starts to cry quietly. "Derek, please. _Please_ don't make this harder then it is."

His face softens briefly. She sees his eyes are filled with tears, and she can see the strain of keeping them back. He steps up and she opens the door all the way.

_I'd be the father of your child.  
I'd spend a lifetime with you._

She hesitates, wondering what she can possibly say. He's staring straight ahead, his lips pressed together. "Bye, Derek."

He glances at her, nodding stiffly.

_I know your fears and you know mine.  
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,_

Say something! She wants to shout.

The rain is falling all around them.

She doesn't want to leave it like this.

But she has to go now.

Besides. There's nothing else to say. Nothing that will make a difference.

_And I love you, I swear that's true.  
I cannot live without you._

She closes the car door, shoves the key in the ignition, and slowly backs out of the parking lot.

She drives home to get her carry on bag and call a cab to go the airport. Her stuff was sent separately. In Boston. Where she now has a new apartment, a new job. A new life.

Maybe.

_Goodbye my lover.  
Goodbye my friend.  
You have been the one.  
You have been the one for me._

**Derek**

He watches her taillights disappear down the street and stands in the parking lot, letting the rain soak him.

After awhile, shivering violently, he moves toward the hospital. He needs to change out of his scrubs.

He moves robotically down the hallway, attracting some strange looks but not noticing.

He finds Bailey and Christina on their way to OR 1 and steps in front of them.

Bailey looks at him in surprise. "What happened to you?"

"Why didn't anyone tell me?"

People around turn and stare; his voice was unintentionally violent, trying to mask the sadness choking him.

Bailey keeps her face blank, but the brief look in her eyes gives her away. "What?"

Christina is staring at him.

"About Meredith. Leaving." His voice grows louder. "Why didn't someone tell me?"

"Dr. Shepard, calm down-"

"Don't tell me to calm-"

"Who told you?" This is from Christina.

"Meredith!"

"And you didn't stop her?" He stares at Christina in disbelief.

"I tried! She's pretty set on it!"

"Dr. Shepard…" Bailey is using that voice that perfectly blends calm and firmness together…the one they use on patients.

Derek runs his fingers through his hair, dripping water everywhere. Someone needs to let him blame them.

"Grey asked us not to tell you."

He's pacing in the middle of the hallway, his fists clenching and unclenching at his sides. He's fighting tears and the urge to punch something at the same time, a strange combination.

"Derek?"

God, no. Not now. This is the last thing he needs.

"What the hell happened to you? You look like a drowning victim."

He turns to face his wife, who has just emerged from an OR. "Was outside."

She studies him. "Is something wrong?"

Derek looks at Bailey.

Christina blurts out quickly, "Meredith transferred." Bailey shoots her an irritated look.

Addison's eyebrows shoot up. "When?"

"Today was her last day."

Addison glances from Christina to her husband's face. She shoots him a hurt look, but he doesn't seem to notice.

"That's what you're upset about?"

He leans against the wall, too distracted to deal with Addison right now.

"Derek." Addison is trying to sound rational and calm, but Derek can make out the irritation beneath the surface…he's heard it a lot lately.. "This…surely this doesn't matter? She's out of your life, anyway, what difference does it make-"

"Shut up." He mutters.

Addison gapes at him, flushing slightly as she glances at Christina and Bailey who are suddenly pretending like they aren't paying attention.

"What did you say?"

"Addison, I…I'm sorry, I can't do this right now."

"_Derek_."

Bailey leans toward Christina and whispers, "We need to give them some privacy-"

"No." Christina faces Derek. "Dr. Shepard, shouldn't you…I don't know, follow her! Try to stop her-"

Addison glares at the intern.

"She doesn't need someone to 'stop' her, Yang, and that is _not _your place to tell him what to do!" Dr. Bailey is livid, but Derek looks at Christina seriously.

"If I thought I could…but believe me, I tried…"

"_Why do you care_? You're supposed to be trying to work on our marriage-"

Bailey grabs Christina by the arm. "We have a surgery." She murmurs as an explanation and they leave Derek and Addison alone.

He turns and starts toward the on call room, suddenly freezing.

Addison follows. "Derek, what the hell are you doing?"

"I…I don't know. I just don't want her to leave because of me."

_"Let_ her go, Derek!" There is a double meaning in this statement. "We're never going to be able to work this out if you don't let her go!"

"I can't let her go!" He walks into the on call room "I've tried, damn it, but I can't! I'm never going to be able to-"

Addison's voice is tearful. "You know, I should have gone with Mark! He actually _loves _me, and I love him-"

"What!" He turns to face her.

"I fell in love with him, Derek, it wasn't just some cry for your attention. And when he came here he wanted me to come back! That's why he was here, not to sleep with Meredith, or rub it in your face…"

"I think you mentioned that." Derek says coolly. "So you're in love with someone else, and so am I…why the hell would you think it would be a good idea to try to make this marriage work!"

Addison stares at him, beginning to cry now. "Because I love you, too! I still loved you, and I didn't realize it until you left…"

He shrugs helplessly. "Well, I don't know what to say. I'm not going to apologize for being upset about Meredith leaving. I can't help that, and I've been honest about that with you."

"Maybe…maybe her leaving…maybe it will give us that chance. Maybe that's what we need to get past-"

"Do you honestly believe that?"

Addison looks away. "I want to."

His face softens. "I wish it were that simple."

"Yeah."

"Yeah."

They look at each other.

"Addie, listen…I know it's asking a lot but…could I maybe be by myself for awhile."

He can see it in her face that she doesn't like it, but can't find a way to protest. She makes sure her voice shows her hurt. "Yeah, I…that's fine."

"Addison-"

She slams the on call room door.

**Christina**

"Why did you do that?"

She glances at Bailey. They're on either side of the operating table.

"Do what?'

"Tell Shep to go stop her. Right in front of his wife." She raises her eyebrows. "You got more sense than that, Yang. I need suction here…"

"I don't know. I just thought he'd want to."

Bailey laughs at her. "You don't want her to leave. Especially the way you've been acting."

There's no question there.

Christina stares at her. "How did you-"

"You must think I'm stupid. Hand me the retractor."

Christina hands it to her. "I just think she's making a mistake."

"That's for her to figure out."

**Meredith**

Damn him.

That's pretty much her thinking as she rides in the cab to the airport.

That wounded look he gives her. The sincerity and desperation in his voice when he asked her to stay. It melts her, and it makes her want nothing more than to agree to whatever he's saying.

She doesn't even know why she'd told him. Maybe she had been hoping in vain for a real goodbye.

She'd just made it worse.

The rain is picking up. Not as much of that in Boston. She'd gotten used to it in Seattle.

She'd gotten used to a lot of things in Seattle.

Leaving the familiar had never been much of a problem for Meredith. But then, there had never been all that much she was leaving.

And now she is filled with terror, and she suddenly wants to be in Joe's bar, drinking or having random sex as an attempt to get past everything. She does not want to be in a cab, heading for an airport, to get on a plane to take her away from everything she loves.

She closes her eyes against the tears that she's beginning to believe are always going to be lingering there, taking deep breaths and trying desperately to convince herself she's doing the right thing.

But it's words from Derek and Christina that echo in her mind.

Not very convincing.

"We're here, miss."

"Thank you." She says quietly. She pays the driver and gets out, grabbing the bag she's taking on the flight and heads in.

**Christina**

A few hours later, surgery's over and Christina walks out of the OR to find Burke waiting for her.

"Hi."

"Hi. Are you on call?"

"No, but I wanted to…see if you were okay."

"Fine."

"Meredith leave?"

Christina grits her teeth. "Yeah. She left."

"And are you two…okay now?"

She glares at him momentarily then looks away. "No. I told you I wasn't going to apologize."

He sighs. "True."

"I'm going to change."

She walks into the locker room and is in the process of stuffing her scrubs in her locker amid the clutter when her cell phone rings.

"Hello?"

"Christina?"

It's Meredith. Christina's first instinct is the snap at her, but the tone of her voice stops her.

"Um…hey."

"Look, I know you're mad at me…"

A pang of guilt hits Christina.

"…but I…I missed my flight, and I can't get another one until the morning, so I was kind of hoping that you might…come get me or whatever." Misreading Christina's silence, she rushes on, "I would have called George and Izzie but…I can't go back to the house, and even if I do they'll want to do this big talking and analyzing thing…"

She sounds exhausted.

"What…what do you mean you missed your flight?"

Meredith is silent for a minute or two. "I just…I missed it, okay? Will you come or not?" She's sounding tearful, so Christina replies quickly.

"Yeah, of course, Mer…" She pauses, then says hesitantly, "Look, I'm sorry I've been kind of a bitch about everything-"

"It's fine, okay? Whatever." There's a note of cool detachment in her voice, but Christina decides to revisit that issue later.

"Okay, I'll be there. I'll call you when I'm there or something."

"Thanks."

She hangs up and starts quickly out of the locker room. She's almost to the elevator when she hesitates, thinking.

She makes a rapid turn and heads for the on-call room. Just as she'd figured, Derek is still there, changed out of the soaking wet scrubs and lying on a cot.

"Dr. Shepard?"

"Yeah?" He doesn't look up.

"Meredith called…"

This gets his attention. He sits up and looks at her expectantly.

"She…she missed her flight. I told her I'd come get her but…maybe you want to? I mean…" Seeing the way his face lights up, she rushes on, "She's still leaving, but can't get another flight out until the morning. But maybe…" She pauses. "Maybe you can convince her to stay."

He's nodding. Derek stands and pulls on a jacket.

"She can stay at my apartment when you get her…I mean…if she needs to." She grins slightly and Derek allows a smile to play on his lips.

"Thanks, Christina."

"Don't mention it. And Dr. Shepard?" She meets his eyes. "Do a good job. At convincing her, I mean."

"I'll try."

**Derek**

He walks into the airport and realizes suddenly he should probably just call Meredith and tell her he was here, but he's a little afraid of what she'll say when she realizes he's the one coming to get her.

He wanders the airport, looking in the coffee shop on the side her gate is on, and finally going over to where the plane to Boston took off earlier.

He's looking around when he hears her.

"Derek?"

Meredith is sitting in a chair behind him. He feels a sudden flood of relief, as though he'd been afraid it had been a lie, and that she really had left…

"Mer…" He breathes weakly. She looks so broken. He walks over to her, his first instinct to hold her, kiss her, and beg her to stay again.

Instead, he just looks down at her, answering the question she was asking with her eyes. "Christina sent me."

"Oh."

There's an awkward silence. He's watching her closely, then asks the obvious question.

"So...why didn't you get on the plane?"

"I…I was scared.." All of a sudden she's crying, her hands pressed to her face and sobbing.

Gently, he pulls her up standing and puts his arm around her while she leans into him. "Come with me…"

**Meredith**

They walk like that through the airport and outside, where the rain is really pouring now. Derek leads her to his car and they sit there, him in the drivers seat and her next to him, and he watches her cry, slipping his hand into hers.

It occurs to her that before everything with Derek began, she wasn't much of a crier. Even as a kid she was like that. When her mom didn't show up at a soccer game or a parent's day at school, she never cried. When her mother missed her birthday dinners, she never cried. When her father left.

It's not like that now.

She's crying because she's stuck. Christina had told her that moving away, running, was a cowardly thing to do. Well, she was even too scared to do the cowardly thing. It occurred to her that she would be in an apartment building in Boston, miserable, thinking of Derek, no better than before except that she wouldn't have to see it. She was stuck, stuck feeling like this no matter what she did.

_And I still hold your hand in mine.  
In mine when I'm asleep._

Derek waits until she's gotten under control a bit before he asks hesitantly. "Sorry, I know I said this already but…why didn't you get on the plane?"

Ah, yes. That.

The truth was it had been like punching the mirror, or cutting the stitches. She'd been sitting there, thinking about how stuck she was, when they had announced the final boarding call.

And she hadn't moved.

It wasn't rational, but she didn't regret it. It made sense at the time.

"I was…scared. I don't know how else to say it. The reason I told you in the first place was because I wanted a real goodbye but I couldn't even do that, and just thinking about it…I couldn't move."

_And I will bear my soul in time,  
When I'm kneeling at your feet._

He reaches his hand up and gently wipes the tears from her cheeks. "So don't tell me goodbye. Stay." He's pleading with his eyes. "Please. Don't go,_ I…I don't want you to go."_

"You're with Addison."

_Goodbye my lover.  
Goodbye my friend._

"I know…but…I love you."

"Don't-"

"Don't tell me not to say it. I'm sick of you always saying that. I mean it, Meredith, I am in love with _you_. Not Addison, you. I. Love. _You._ And I'll say it all I want."

_You have been the one.  
You have been the one for me._

"I told you earlier, Derek. I can't see us just picking up where we left off and being happily ever after!"

"Is that…is that not what you want?"

"I…I don't know, Derek. What I want is for you not to have a wife! What I want is for you to have picked me in the first place! I want to be able to get on a plane and leave all this behind without having to ever think about it! What I _want _is to not be so fucking in love with you!"

_I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.  
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow._

Derek is quiet, watching her.

She keeps going, tears streaming down her cheeks. "But that's not going to happen, none of it. So what do I want, right now, that's actually possible? I _don't know_. I want this to be simple."

"I can make it simple." His voice is soft. "Ask me what I want."

She sighs. "Fine. What do you want, Derek?"

"You." He half smiles at her, running he fingers through her hair. "Simple as that. I want you, here in Seattle, with me. I want there to be an us."

She's quiet, her throat too tight to speak.

He leans forward. "This is the part where you say that's exactly what you want, too."

"It…it is, Derek, but-"

Derek puts a finger on her lips to stop her. "Sssh. We're doing simple right now." His eyes are locked with hers.

He leans forward, moving his finger and kisses her, soft at first then sinking into it.

She wraps her arms around his neck and kisses back,

Simple.

He kisses her neck as he takes off her jacket and goes to unbutton her shirt.

They're sitting Derek's car in the airport parking lot, the rain pounding on the windows.

They don't stop to think it through. They just know they both want it.


	12. Giving up and Starting over

**Chapter Twelve**

**Sorry I haven't updated in awhile guys, but I haven't had a lot of computer time. This a pretty long chapter, I think, so hopefully you'll be satisfied. I like it. **

**Meredith**

His arms are wrapped around, and they're laying across the backseat. He leans close to her ear and whispers, "See? I told you. Simple."

She smiles slightly. Everything else feels so far away right now.

She turns toward him and kisses him softly.

"Glad you missed your flight." He grins, nuzzling her neck. "Had to have a slight layover…"

She laughs softly.

Stroking her hair gently, just the way he used to, he says, "I could stay like this forever."

She slips her hand into his and stops, staring at his hand. Specifically, his finger. More specifically, his wedding ring.

He follows her eyes and pulls his hand away from hers and slips the ring off, putting it in the cup holder.

Something about the gesture makes the reality hit her. "Oh, God."

She sits up. "This was so wrong…"

"Well, I guess we could have moved the car out of the airport parking garage first…" He tries to smile but it's clouded.

"This isn't funny. I'm a dirty mistress. Again. And this time I knew you were married! Oh, God-"

"Meredith it's not-"

"Derek, it's _wrong."_

He groans slightly. "So much for simple."

She meets his eyes sadly. "Since when is it ever simple for us?"

He sighs. "Yeah, I guess."

"You have a wife."

"I do." He pauses. "But hear me out. You…you _could_ get on that plane, and you could go to Boston and both of us can be miserable. I can stay in a dead marriage, always blaming my wife for not being you. Or…or you can cancel your new apartment. You can have your stuff shipped back. I can sign divorce papers. And instead of you starting over in Boston…_we _could start over. Here. Together." He watches her anxiously.

She looks at him through tear-filled eyes. "You make it seem so-"

"Simple?" He half-smiles.

She nods, her lips pressed together. "It's not." She whispers.

"No." He agrees. "But that doesn't mean it can't work."

She's silent for awhile, watching the rain flow down the windows of the car.

Derek's cell phone rings, breaking the silent. He reaches forward in the front seat to grab it.

"Addison" flashes on the screen.

He meets Meredith's eyes. They look at each other until the ringing stops.

Meredith shakes her head slightly. "We can't stay here all night. She'll wonder."

"Christina said you can stay at her and Burke's place." He tells her lamely.

Derek begins pulling on his shirt.

They get dressed awkwardly and slide back into their seats.

They're quiet on the drive to Burke and Christina's apartment, but when they pull up, Meredith doesn't move.

"So…" Derek begins carefully. "What are you going to do?"

She avoids his eyes. "I have a ticket for a flight at noon tomorrow."

"And are you going?"

"I…I don't know. Yet."

He clenches his fists on the steering wheel, obviously frustrated. "I don't get it, Meredith! Why! It can't be about wanting me to try at my marriage, because I've tried, and if you leave it'll just get worse."

"What _if_ I leave? Would you still divorce her?"

"I don't know, I-"

"See, right there? I don't want you to give up on your marriage _just_ for me. I don't want the decision to be if I stay, you get a divorce. I don't want that hanging over me."

"But, Meredith, it _is_ you. It's because I'm in love with you that my marriage won't work. Like I said, I'd go through my whole life blaming Addison for something she can't help: not being you! And, yeah, she may think that I owe it to her to try a little more or a little longer, but I think we owe it to ourselves, all three of us, to try to be happy! Because you're not happy, Addison's not happy, and I'm sure as hell not happy without you."

She looks at him. "That's not the main reason I'm not sure. Your marriage, I mean."

"Then what?"

She squeezes her eyes shut. "I don't want to get hurt again, Derek. Maybe that makes me a coward, or weak, or whatever…but I can't help it. I'm scared as hell."

"Hey." He says softly, touching his fingers to her cheek. "I don't want to hurt you ever again."

She doesn't answer.

"Listen, I…I want to tell you something. My accident, the car wreck…I did it on purpose."

She stares at him, confused. "What? What are you-"

"I mean, I was drunk, obviously. I wouldn't have done something so…" He laughs softly. "Melodramatic, I guess, if I was sober. But I let go of the steering wheel." She stares at him, the color slowly leaving her face. "You know we'd had that fight earlier-"

"Great." Her voice breaks slightly. "So you're telling me you almost died because of me-"

"No, God no, Meredith." He takes her hand. "Because of me. I wasn't thinking rationally at all, but…I was so pissed at myself for hurting you. The look on your face when you left the elevator…that killed me. It made me hate myself more than I've ever hated anything, just for making you feel like that. My point is…I'll do anything if I never have to see you look at me like that again. So, no, I don't want to hurt you."

She doesn't know what to say.

Finally, she nods at the apartment building. "I should…go."

"So…that's it?"

"I have to think about it. Leaving or not."

He looks down. "So if you leave…this is the last time I'll see you? I don't want to end it here, there's…we had sex, Meredith! There's a conversation to have, and I want to know when you decide-"

"I think we've said what we need to say. I'll see you tomorrow okay? In the morning." He looks doubtful. "I promise. Before I do anything. I'll see you."

He nods. "I guess this time it's you making the decision, huh?"

She pauses. "I guess it is." She smiles slightly at him. "Good night, Derek."

"You, too. And listen…" He hesitates. "Don't go. Think about what I said, okay?"

"I will."

He grins slightly. "And not that this should influence you at all, but…" He puts his hand on her cheek and pulls her close, kissing her softly.

When she finally pulls away, her eyes are sad, not the reaction he was hoping for. "Night."

She gets out of the car and walks up the sidewalk into the apartment building.

Christina opens the door when she knocks, and Meredith sees that all the lights are on. "Where's Burke?" She asks shortly, stepping in.

"His patient needed emergency surgery."

Meredith nods, throwing her carry on bag onto the couch and sitting. Christina's watching her warily, her eyes giving away guilt.

Well, good. Meredith hopes she feels bad. The last few weeks have been bad enough without Christina treating her like dirt. Seriously, what kind of person did that to their supposed best friend right before she moved away?

Christina sits on the other end of the couch. "Hope you're not mad about me sending Shepard. I just thought maybe he'd want to go."

Meredith doesn't answer.

"So you guys were gone awhile. What happened?"

Meredith sighs. She desperately wants to talk to someone, ask advice about what to do, but Christina's not the one to talk to. For one thing, Meredith's mad at her, and for another, Christina's made it clear from the beginning that she won't even try to understand the reasons for leaving.

"We don't have to do this, okay?"

"Do what?"

"The talking. Confiding. Thanks for letting me stay here and all, but…" She shrugs.

Christina gets it. "Right." She starts into her bedroom, but pauses in the doorway. "So…are you still planning on leaving? Tomorrow?"

"I don't know yet."

"Oh." Her voice seems lighter. "So you're not for sure?"

"That's what 'I don't know' means."

"Oh. Okay." She turns.

Meredith groans. "Christina!"

She turns, startled. "What?"

"That's it? You're not going to try to apologize or something?" She knows how stupid this sounds.

Christina raises her eyebrows. "I said I was sorry on the phone."

"You think that's all it takes. Just 'I'm sorry I've been _kind _of a bitch'?"

"Okay, you want me to say it again? I'm sorry, okay? Whatever."

"Whatever?" Meredith shakes her head. "You know what, forget it." She stretches out on the couch.

"What do you want, Mer, me to have a freakin _moment_?" She sounds irritated.

"Just shut up."

"Fine."

Christina walks into her bedroom, leaving Meredith on the couch.

Well that hadn't gone so well.

Meredith closes her eyes. Guess she's on her own to make the decision.

Either way, there's terror. There's the terror of leaving everything she's gotten so used to, of starting over in Boston and, of course, trying to live without Derek.

But then there's the terror of taking the chance, of putting herself out there again. Trusting Derek.

Something he'd said from long ago floats back to her.

_You just have to take the rest on faith._

Not very convincing, since it was about a week later that Addison showed up.

**Derek**

He drives around for awhile, after dropping Meredith off. He's going over everything he said to her in his mind, trying to think if there was something else he should have said.

He thinks he made a pretty convincing argument.

Addison calls again, and though he doesn't answer, he realizes he needs to get home.

He walks into the trailer and she's sitting at the little table, wearing her robe and drinking coffee, waiting. He throws his jacket on a chair and moves to the kitchen, pretending that there's nothing out of the ordinary going on.

Addison just waits.

He takes a beer out of the fridge.

"So are we gonna talk about this?" Her voice is low and hoarse.

"What?"

She waves her hand as if the issues are surrounding them. "Everything. You telling me to shut up, wanting to stop Meredith from leaving, being so upset about her being gone…or maybe we should start on where you've been for so long."

He shrugs. "I told you I needed time alone."

"Yeah, but I thought you meant at the hospital. But you haven't been there for hours. I called Webber to ask."

"Oh, so you're checking up on me?"

"I don't trust you." She says this is a sad voice, as though trying to communicate to him how disappointment this is to her.

He wants very much to snap back something about her being a fine one to talk about 'trust', but given the events in the airport parking lot he decides to refrain.

"Did you go to the airport?" The dread in her voice makes it sound as if she knows the answer.

He hesitates. "Yes."

"To try to stop her?" More dread, more hurt. She knows the answers to all these questions, but needs to hear Derek admit them. Technically, it had been to pick her up, but _that _had been in hope of stopping her.

He repeats himself. "Yes."

She nods, her lips pressed together tightly. After a moment, she says, even softer, "And did you?"

"She hasn't left yet. She's thinking about it."

Addison closes her eyes. Next question; Derek feels like he's being interrogated. "And if she stays?"

"Addie…" His voice is gentle. "I'm so sorry, but-"

"Don't."

"What?"

"I know what you're going to say, but I don't want to hear you say it."

Derek looks at her, surprised. He wasn't even sure about what he was going to say. "What-"

"You're giving up."

He looks away. "Wasn't going to say it quite like that…"

"Yeah, I bet you weren't." Addison's voice is angry, but when he glances at her there are tears on her cheeks. "You were probably going to say something about how it's for the best."

He sighs and sits in the chair across from her. "You disagree?" She leans her elbows on the table and presses her palms in her forehead. "Addie, I've tried-"

"Oh, you haven't tried! You said you'd try, but even then you had that resigned tone! You never wanted to try, and for the past few weeks you sit here, pouting and refusing to cooperate with couples therapy or even bother to pretend like you like me very much."

Derek shakes his head slightly. This is true, what she's saying, but he still feels like the idea behind it is wrong. "I know I haven't tried to best I can at our marriage. But that's what I can't help. I've been miserable lately, and I've tried not to be, I've tried to forget about her-"

"I never expected this." Addison's voice is flat. "You finding someone else."

"Why not?" Derek can't resist saying. "You did."

He regrets saying it instantly. Addison's eyes fill with hurt, and he knows that this isn't a good time to bring up stuff like that. Just say what needs to be said, stop reminding of past sins.

Addison speaks again, "True. But…when I first got here, and you were standing there with her…I wasn't threatened. I didn't think it mattered. I figured you had come up with someone the exact opposite of me, some young wide-eyed intern who worshipped you as some way to repair your ego or make you feel better."

He just looks at her. After a moment, just in case she's waiting for him to clarify, he says, "You thought it was revenge. Or on the rebound."

Addison nods. "Yeah."

He sighs again. "Well…I never expected to fall for someone else when I moved here. Took me completely by surprise, and it's not something I can help but…" He shrugs. Meredith had helped him discover an emotion, a passion he had never known before. With Addison, it had been falling in love slowly while dating, stemming from friendship.

With Meredith it had been about falling hard and fast when he least expected it, and feeling exactly right when he put his arms around her or kissed her lips…as if he had needed her his whole life without knowing it.

Like he had said to Meredith right after Addison showed up, it was like he was drowning and Meredith had saved him. Like a breath of fresh air.

This isn't the kind of thing he can explain to Addison though.

"I tried to forget her." He says to fill the silence, feeling as though he's repeating himself but needing to move the conversation along. "But…I can't. I _need_ her, it's not something I can control. She's like my…" The word 'need' had clearly stung Addison. Her eyes are squeezed tightly shut, and Derek stops speaking before he says something else that will sting her even more.

What Derek had thought was a word he couldn't say in front of Addison. _Soulmate. _When the two of them were married, they had the somewhat cynical view on romance and love, preferring their mature views of love being about two people who were committed to each other and trusted each other and cared for each other, nothing about fate or destiny or whatever the hell it was.

Now, though…Derek isn't so sure about that "mature" view. He doesn't know if he believes it.

Silence hangs heavily on the two of them for awhile, and Derek finally decides to state his point out loud. "Addie, what I'm trying to say is that I can't do this anymore. And…I want a-"

"Divorce." She whispers. She looks at him, tearful. "I don't want to have to hear you say it.

He lays his hand on hers. "I'm sorry."

She lets his hand stay there for a moment then pulls back, pulling her sleeve across her eyes. "Yeah, well...we still have the papers somewhere." She stands. "I really thought you'd sign last time. All that Satan stuff.."

He nods. "I needed to know that I tried."

"Well, I guess now you have that satisfaction." She replies brusquely. "That you were the good guy, as always. That you took back the mean old adulteress, giving up the love of your life for awhile to do so, and _tried_ to make it work. Always the good guy." She slaps the divorce papers down on the table, barely giving Derek time to feel slightly guilty about his recent parking lot sex, which didn't do much for the 'good guy' thing Addison was talking about.

"Why did you keep these?" He asks, indicating the divorce papers as he fumbles for a pen in his pocket.

"Because of the way you were acting." She says quietly. "I was afraid we might…that you not signing might be short lived." He feels her watching him as he signs his name. "Was probably just jinxing myself. Tempting fate." She gives a soft, bitter laugh.

Wordlessly, he hands her the pen and slides the papers across the table. She puts the pen on the line and hesitates, then looks up. "Tell me something. Tell me this isn't just something you're doing to convince her to stay."

He meets her eyes. "It's not. Even if she goes, I…I would be even more miserable than before, and you said yourself you don't like the way I've been lately. I've changed, Addie. This…this needs to happen."

She nods, then signs her name, her hand shaking visibly. When she's done she drops the pen and puts her hands over her face.

He swallows. "Addie."

"Don't! Just go ahead and go. I know you're dying to go tell her." She shakes her head. "I guess this is what I deserve. I've done every sneaky, underhanded thing I can think of to cut her out of the picture…telling her about marriage counseling conversations, keeping her out of your hospital room, lying to you about whether she saw you or not…" She smiles thinly at him. "I haven't been the greatest person either, lately."

"We both made mistakes."

"Yeah."

"Yeah."

They look at each other for a moment, but secretly Derek is having a hard time grasping the gravity of the moment; his mind is on Meredith. Addison was right: he was dying to go see her. He had worked out that promises weren't enough for her now, because she had good reason not to take him on anything he said.

When Addison had shown up he'd told her there was nothing to think about when he'd gotten the divorce papers.

So she probably didn't buy anything he said or promised.

This is action. He hadn't been lying to Addison when he said stopping her wasn't the reason for the divorce; it really did need to happen.

But still.

Addison is throwing things into a bag, her face turned away from Derek. "I'm going to a hotel, okay? We can take the papers to the lawyers tomorrow."

"Yeah." He murmurs distractedly.

**Christina**

She can't sleep.

She knows Meredith is still awake in the next room, sitting on the couch deep in thought, alone, most likely thinking about the choice to stay or leave.

Christina wants to go out there and come up with something better to say, an apology that means something. An apology that doesn't have the word 'whatever' following it.

She just doesn't know what to say.

She had told Burke that Meredith was coming to stay and he'd said, "You know why she called _you_, don't you?"

Christina had stared at him blankly. "Uh, because George and Izzie would be annoying about the whole thing?"

"No. Because she's giving you another chance to make things right. Don't blow it."

Burke is so annoying at times.

She sighs, then gets out of bed and walks into the living room. Meredith glances at her when she enters then looks away. Christina falls onto the couch next to her.

"I don't really want a chick flick moment here."

Great opener.

Meredith glances at her again, her eyes narrowed. She opens her mouth as if to reply, but closes it again. Christina doesn't blame her. There's not much to say back to something like that comment.

"So…I really am sorry. I didn't mean it. About you being a coward. I think I just…I didn't want to go through the whole sad goodbye thing, so I thought it'd be easier if I was mad at you. Or got you mad at me."

"Was it?"

"Huh?"

"Was it easier?"

Christina stares at her for a moment. "No. I actually felt guilty."

"Really?" Heavy sarcasm here, accompanied by Meredith rolling her eyes.

Christian makes a face. "Leave the sarcasm to me, Mer, I've told you it doesn't suit you."

A hint of a smile hits Meredith for a moment at the familiar sentiment.

"Anyway…" Christina grimaces slightly. "I guess I just didn't want you to leave, okay?"

Meredith is quiet for awhile. "Okay."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I should know by now you'll do anything to avoid a hug or a sappy moment."

Christina laughs. "True."

Meredith smiles at her.

"So are we okay?" Christian asks.

"We're okay."

"Do we have to hug now?"

"I wouldn't put you through that."

"Thanks."

Christina turns and faces her best friend, and notices Meredith's eyes are bright.

"You were right though. About the coward thing."

"I told you, Mer, I was just talking out of my ass-"

"But you were right. I was giving up, I couldn't fight through it anymore. I was scared, and I was running. But you know what sucks?"

"What?"

"When I got to the airport…I was too scared to get on the plane. I was even to scared to run away. How stupid is that?"

Christina watches her closely. "Not…it's not stupid. I get it." She waits, and when Meredith doesn't say anything, she asks excitedly, "So what happened with you and Shepard?"

**Meredith**

She sighs and tells Christina the whole story. The way she'd started crying as soon as he came up to her. The way Derek said it would be simple. Sex in the parking lot. The wedding ring. Him asking her to stay. The kiss.

"I don't know what to do." She finishes.

Christina is staring, slightly taken aback by the entire story. "You had sex with him, Mer. Doesn't that…doesn't that mean something? It sounds like he'll leave Addison."

"I don't want to get hurt again."

They talk for awhile, Christina staying purposely diplomatic and open to both choices and just letting Meredith talk through the realities of both, until Meredith finally says slowly, "I don't think I want to leave."

Christina suppresses a smile.

"Is that crazy? I mean…" She groans slightly. "I bought an apartment. I quit. I made all the arrangements. I said goodbye to people. They'll think I'm crazy if I just show up at work again tomorrow."

"Nah. They'll just be glad to see you. No one wanted you to leave Meredith."

She smiles, but it fades quickly. "But with Derek…this is just me being scared again, really…I don't know what to do about it. I don't want to get hurt again, and he obviously has the ability. Even if he divorces Addison, he's still got baggage there. The way she's acted…lying to him about me seeing him in the hospital and screaming at him about seeing me in front of _everybody _that night in the hospital…" She sighs. "I'm rambling a little."

"Yeah."

"Do you think we can really move on from all that damage, though? Everything that's happened?"

"Maybe not." Christina told her honestly. "So don't move on. Just start over. From the beginning, clean slate. There's no hurry…it's not like you have to jump right back into a relationship."

**Derek**

Somewhere, Derek was unknowingly thinking along the same lines.

She's not going to be able to trust me right off, he realizes. She's not going to want to jump back in too quickly. There's damage there, and it will be hard to heal.

He's driving to Christina and Burke's apartment. He knows Meredith had said she'd talk to him in the morning. He knows she'd said she needed time to think.

But he can't stand the thought of her sitting alone, maybe making the decision to leave. He wants her to know what had happened between him and Addison. Show her it isn't just words and empty promises.

He gets out of his car and walks to the front of the apartment building. The steady rain from earlier has faded to slight drizzle, and the scent of rain is prominent.

He exhales slowly, suddenly scared out of his mind. The sad look on her face after he'd kissed her flashes through his mind. He'd done that to make her smile. _Not that this should influence you in any way.._ Clever and cute, the line was supposed to be. But it had made her sad.

His throat closes tightly and his fists clench at his side. Leaning against the wall of the apartment building, he was suddenly too afraid to go inside. Afraid of the decision Meredith was going to tell her about. And if she did, what could he do about it? He'd done everything he could think of to make a convincing argument for the 'stay in Seattle with me' option.

But she'd looked sad.

He stays there, in the dark, for a long time. He recalls the night he'd blown up at Addison about the ferryboat comments…just a day or two before the car accident. He remembers creeping out of bed to sit in the dark, remembers the way he'd appreciated the sense of being hidden.

A lot has happened since then.

Yet he still appreciates the hiding. He still needs to feel hidden.

He stands there for awhile, staring into the darkness above him when a surprised voice startles him, "Shep?"

**Meredith**

She and Christina are stretched on the couch when they hear the door open. Burke's voice fill the house. "Everybody decent?"

Christina grins. "Course not. We're having a pillow fight in our underwear. What else?"

"Excellent, I'll join you. I guess that means you made up, then."

They laugh.

Burke steps into the living room. "Look who I found hanging around outside the building."

Derek steps sheepishly into view.

"Nice." Christian comments. "McStalker."

He eyes Meredith, searching her face as though looking for some kind of clue.

"Derek, what are you doing here? I told you I needed to time to…" She glances at Christina and Burke. "Think."

"Yeah, I couldn't sleep." He says quickly. "So I went for a drive and ended up…plus I was hoping we could talk." He smiles nervously. "Again."

She hesitates slightly, fighting the instinct to tell him they've already talked. She's so used to trying to fight Derek lately, trying to get away before he says something wonderfully romantic and perfect, that it's hard to fight it now.

Meeting Christina's eyes briefly, she nods at Derek. "Hall." Then, addressing Christina, she murmurs, "We'll just be a minute."

"Take your time."

In the hallway, Meredith leans awkwardly against the wall next to the door, watching him. Waiting for him to talk.

He seems to be thinking, searching for his opener. Finally, he blurts out, "Have you decided?"

She starts to lie, say she's still thinking about him, but the look in his eyes, the desperation and the strange combination of dread and forbidden hope, makes her not. "Yeah, I…I'm not leaving." She said out loud. No 'I think'. She made it real. "I'm staying here." She's surprised how good it feels to be able to say that.

Derek closes his eyes for a moment, then opens them, and they're shining with either happiness or tears. He just looks at her, nodding dumbly, speechless. He swallows a couple of times.

After a moment, he clears his throat. "That's…that's good, Mer. That's really…that's good." He's smiling.

She almost smiles herself.

They stay like that for awhile, Meredith leaning against the wall, Derek smiling slightly at her, unconsciously fingering the fabric at the end of his jacket nervously.

He breaks the silence. "We signed."

**Derek**

Isn't he the brilliant conversationalist all of a sudden?

He can barely think. She's staying. He didn't even have to tell her about the papers first. She's _staying._

When she said that, he felt the first glimmers of hope for them.

She's staring at him confusedly. "Sorry, what?"

"We signed, Addison and me. The divorce papers. Um, it's…it's over, Mer."

He can see her processing this information, but he can't read her face.

She bites her lip, and her voice is soft. "Really?"

"Really."

They look at each other for so long that he feels the need to break the silence. What he really wants to say is _So where does that leave us? _Or _Will you give me another chance?_

But he needs more tact than that.

Out of nowhere, he hears himself say, "Meredith, do you want to go out to dinner? With me. Like, on a date."

Perfect. Now he's a gawky sophomore in high school, asking a girl out for the first time in a 'real' dating relationship.

From the way she's staring at him, she must think he's crazy.

"Date?" There's a hint of amusement in her voice, and more than a hint of incredulousness.

"I mean, we never really dated." He rushes on. "I mean, we met for lunch between surgeries a couple times but…we never really did it right. I mean, we started to but…" He trails off at the way her expression darkens slightly. They had been about to do it 'right' when Addison showed up. Talk about 'rules' and go on a 'real' date.

"And now…now you want to do it right? Just like that?"

Reddening slightly, he nods. "Well, you're staying. And I'm getting a divorce. And I know we aren't going to be able to just jump right back in. So…we can start at the beginning. Do it right this time. No lies or secrets." Seeing her hesitation, he adds, "Look, it would just be like…a first date. No obligation to call the next day." He smiles slightly. "It can give us a chance to talk. Do something normal together without feeling like it's wrong. Please."

Meredith nods slightly. "It doesn't mean…I'm not promising anything. More than the date."

Derek relaxes. "Okay. I mean, I know. Good." He runs his fingers through his hair absently. "How about tomorrow night? After our shift? I mean, if you're working."

She smiles slightly. "I think I am. I mean, I hope they'll let me."

'They will." He pauses. "So tomorrow?"

"Sounds good, Derek." Her smile is slow, and hesitant, but at least it's there. And it's genuine.

"Good." He repeats, returning her smile. He looks at the door to Christina and Burke's apartment. "I should let you get back in there, you're probably tired. I…I'm glad you're staying, Mer."

"Me, too." She whispers. Pausing slightly, she leans forward, rests her hand lightly on his chests, and kisses him, quickly but soft. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight." He watches her go, smiling, and turns, feeling a million times lighter than when he'd followed Burke up to the apartment. He's already planning that date.

**Okay, so I hope you guys like the chapter. I'll update pretty soon. Also, I think I'm putting Polaris on hold for a week or two more, because I'm a little stuck on it. But I started a new story, Jigsaw, which is kind of a different concept I'm trying, but is MerDer, of course. I think it's, if nothing else, original so I hope you'll check it out. And of course, review this for an update! Stuff I'd kind of like to know about in the reviews: Addison/Derek's convo, because I don't know how well I handled it, Meredith/Christina making up, because I don't know how real it felt and of course the Mer/Der conversations both right after the sex and in the hallway.**


	13. What a Difference a Night Makes

**Meredith**

Christina is waiting for her outside the Chief's office the next morning. "So?" Her eyebrows shoot up expectantly.

Meredith smiles. "I'm in. He seemed pretty relieved actually. Said it was no problem, and we could pretend like it never happened. Even promised to call the place in Boston."

Christina's face splits into a grin. "Excellent! Let's go surprise the others…"

Meredith groans slightly as they start toward the locker room. "It'll be a hassle. Canceling that apartment, the room for Mom, _all _my crap's been shipped…"

"Oh, yeah, poor you." Christina rolls her eyes. "You ready for the date?"

Meredith smiles slightly. "Yeah. Nervous."

"Why nervous?"

"I don't know." She shrugs. "It's _Derek_, you know?"

"Yeah." Christina laughs slightly. From angst over leaving because of Derek and his wife to jitters of a date with Derek in only a couple days…life at Seattle Grace is funny. As they neared the locker room, she spoke seriously, "Now Tinker Bell, Evil Spawn and Bambi aren't here yet, I'm guessing, since it's not the exact second they're supposed to be." She rolls her eyes and mutters, "God forbid they show up early. Anyway, go into the locker room and hide and we'll surprise them."

"Getting into this, aren't you?" Meredith bites back a smile.

"Sure, why not create a 'moment' like you guys seem to love so much?"

Between telling Christina the entire conversation in the hallway last night and waking up at an unholy hour to talk to the Chief this morning, Meredith had hardly slept. Still, she hardly feels tired. A giddy sort of happiness she hadn't allowed herself to give into last night is properly taking her over, and all her focus is on tonight.

She's still scared and hesitant and nervous and uncertain about giving in to him again and all of that crap. But tonight…it's just a date. As he'd said, it was their chance to do something normal without feeling like it was wrong.

Her chance to be with Derek and feel happy.

The last time she felt like that, back before Addison came back, feels like a lifetime ago, and today she's feeling a lightness that's almost foreign.

She and Christina sit in the empty locker room, waiting their friends to arrive, when Christina glances at Meredith and smiles. "This is a nice change?"

"What is?"

"You. Looking like you might actually be enjoyable to be around. It's nice."

"Um, thanks…I think."

The door swings open and Christina shoves Meredith in the bathroom behind the lockers.

"Morning!" Christina's voice is overly cheerful. Meredith nearly laughs thinking how weirded out the others will be at this.

"Yeah." Izzie's voice is hard. Probably still mad at Christina for the way she's acting.

"What are you so happy about?" This is from George.

"Oh, nothing." Christina suddenly seizes Meredith by the arm. "Much."

"Meredith!"

"MER!"

After about five minutes of hugs and 'oh my Gods' and 'what the hells', Meredith tells Alex, Izzie, and George the whole story.

"So you're dating him tonight!" Izzie squeals.

"You sound like a thirteen year old." Meredith tells her, trying and failing to suppress the huge smile taking over her face.

"I don't care. Oh, God, Mer, you have nothing to wear!"

Meredith smile drops slightly. "Oh…" At the same time, she can't help but to marvel at the change in conversation. The last time she talked to Izzie, it was a heavy conversation to say goodbye. Now they're talking about what to wear on a date…normal, girl stuff.

Amazing how much better life had become just by the words "We signed" and "I'm staying". Amazing how much more hope Meredith has.

"It's okay." Izzie says reassuringly. "We can work something out after work. Don't get assigned to any long surgeries and we can go home and get you fixed up, thank God you didn't have us out of the house right away…"

Meredith meets Alex's eyes as Izzie goes on about it and he winks. Meredith grins, and throws an arm around Izzie, cutting her off, "I can't believe I was about to leave all _this." _ She teases her, laughing slightly.

Izzie turns to look at her, smiling. "You're happy."

"Yeah. See, I have this date, with this really hot guy. He's dreamy, almost…"

George is smiling, too. "I like you this way."

"Well, good. Because I'm going to be around."

Alex looks from Meredith to Christina. "I guess you forgave McBitch over here."

Christina scowls at him. "Shove it, Evil Spawn."

"Why don't you just-"

The potential argument doesn't get a chance to begin as Dr. Bailey walks in. "Morning." She glances up, sees Meredith and grins. "Thought we'd just gotten rid of you…"

"Did the Chief-"

"Yeah, he told me. Welcome back. Not that, you know, you even missed a day. But I'm being polite." Meredith grins slightly.

"Anyway, pre-rounds. Let's get started."

They're halfway through rounds when she hears his voice behind her as she and the other interns follow Dr. Bailey between rooms. "Hi."

She whirls and he's smiling, giving her "their" look. "Hey.

"What time are you off tonight?"

"Seven." Meredith stares into his eyes, marveling at the fact that she actually doesn't feel pained to meet his eyes; his gaze doesn't break her heart anymore.

Just from one night.

"Great. How bout I pick you up around eight?"

"Sounds good." She returns his smile.

"Good." He repeats softly.

"Grey, move your ass!" Dr. Bailey calls, sticking her head out of a patient's room.

"I gotta go…" She tells Derek.

"Yeah. See you later." He smiles at her one last time and she watches him walk down the hallway, a nervous fluttering in her chest.

"See you." She repeats quietly.

**Derek**

Moving through the halls of Seattle Grace that day, he feels about a million times lighter than before. The Chief called him in earlier this morning to inform him somberly that Addison resigned, gave a weeks notice but was taking today off.

"Meredith also came to tell me she's staying. I'm guessing that had something to do with all this." Derek could see that Richard was not pleased with him, and though he was glad Meredith was staying, he didn't like having part of his surgical staff determined on who Derek was with or wasn't with.

Derek can't blame him, but he had a hard time expressing apologies or concern over Addison's resignation. He's having trouble feeling anything but happy. And excited, of course, about The Date.

Around lunchtime, Derek finds Karev and O'Malley on their way to the cafeteria and grabs them. "I need you two to come see me at the end of the day. Right before you leave. I need a favor. And don't mention it to anyone. Can I trust you?"

Looking curious, the two nod. Alex asks, "And when you say don't mention it to anyone…you mean Mer?"

Derek rolls his eyes at the intern. "Yeah, thanks for pointing out the obvious."

George clears his throat. "Dr. Shepard, why can't you just talk to us about the favor now?"

"Because I have to leave for awhile to take care of some things. Just make sure you come see me, okay?"

"Yes, sir."

"Sure thing."

**Meredith**

After their shift is over, Christian occupancies her and Izzie back to the house, while George and Alex skulk off, muttering something about patients to check on or possible surgeries.

Once at the house, Meredith glances at her empty room, feeling slightly sick. Suddenly, the whole leaving thing seems like a huge mistake. Even thought Meredith can understand the thought behind it, she doesn't want to think about what life in Boston would have been like.

Christina stretches out on Izzie's bed, flipping through a magazine. Meredith takes a quick shower and is drying her hair as Izzie flips through the outfits in her closet.

"Oh, here!" She pulls out a long, gorgeous, off the shoulder dark blue dress. "This used to be yours, I forgot I had it…"

"What do you mean _used _to be mine?" Meredith takes the dress from her.

"You gave it to me." Izzie mutters absently, throwing out a pair of heels.

"Um, no I didn't. Why would I give you a dress?"

"Oh. Maybe I dreamed that you gave it to me." Izzie says innocently, her cheeks reddening slightly. Meredith suppresses a giggle.

"Make-up." Izzie throws her bag at Meredith. "Put it on while I pick out your jewelry. And hurry. It's 7:35."

By 8:00, Meredith's ready. She stares nervously at her reflection while Izzie and Christina stand behind her.

"You look great, Mer." Izzie tells her with a grin.

"It'll be fine."

"Yeah…" Meredith breathes slowly, trying to calm her nerves. "It's just a date, right? No pressure."

The doorbell rings.

"Oh, God…" She looks at Izzie and Christina. "I guess I'll see you later."

"You better tell us everything!"

"Good luck!"

She nods and turns to walk down the stairs, her friends following but stopping a the top of the stairs and trying to appear nonchalant as they watch her open the door.

Derek's standing there in his favorite suit.

"Wow…" He breathes, looking her up and down. "You look…you look beautiful, Mer."

She smiles, looking down slightly before raising her gaze to his, suddenly shy. "Thanks. You look great, too."

Muffled laughs are heard from the top of the stairs. Derek squints up to look and notices Christina and Izzie. "I feel like I'm picking you up at a sorority."

Meredith laughs softly, relaxing a bit. "Come on, let's get out of here."

He grins. "Excellent idea." He slips his hand into hers and they leave the house.

"This better be one hell of a date." She jokes as he opens the car door for her. "I gave up a surgery to get out on time."

"What surgery?"

"Aortic aneurysm." She replies.

"Wow." He raises his eyebrows. "I'd better make this a good one, then."

He goes around and sits in the driver seat.

"So…where exactly are we going?"

"Oh you'll see." He says mysteriously. "Somewhere good for our first date."

She giggles, thinking that they're talking of a first date when less than 24 hours ago they had sex in this car.

They've driven for about fifteen minutes when Derek says, "Okay, if you don't mind I'm going to need you to close your eyes for the duration of the trip."

"And I do mind?"

He sighs dramatically. "Then I'd have to pull over and forcibly blindfold you."

She raises an eyebrow. "Wow. Kinky. And a little inappropriate for a first date."

"Well, than you'd better close your eyes."

Laughing, she obeys.

They drive another ten minutes, Derek entertaining her by singing along with the radio, when she feels the car pull to a stop. "Don't open!" He directs her quickly.

"Okay…"

"Hold on, I'm coming around, go ahead and unbuckle…"

Meredith fumbles with her seat belt, hearing his car door slam. In a moment, hers opens and Derek's hand takes her arm, gently guiding her out of the car so she's standing.

"Couple more steps." He tells her as they walk forward a bit. "Okay…open."

Meredith opens her eyes and gasps softly. They're at the pier where they used to come to watch the ferryboats. The one they'd driven to on a whim every once in awhile, spending the night in the car and watching the sunrise over the water.

On the pier, a table's been set up and quiet fancily decorated, two long candles in the center, right next to a bottle of wine chilling in an ice bucket. All around the edge of the pier are smaller candles, all lit, revealing the flower pedals sprinkled all across the pier.

"Oh my God…" Meredith breathes.

Derek's watching her a little anxiously.

"Derek it's gorgeous. But…you didn't have to…"

"I know, I know." He jokes, leading her slowly over the pier. "I'm coming on a bit strong for a normal 'first date' situation. I was hoping, though…" He pulls out her chair for her and she sits, still staring around in awe. "…that you'd make an exception."

She meets his gaze as she sits down and says softly, "It's beautiful, Derek. Thank you."

He smiles, looking slightly relieved and proud of himself. "You can thank Alex and George, too…I recruited them to help set up." He reaches down beside his chair, opening a large basket. "Don't worry, though, I didn't cook…take out from a very snazzy restaurant that I thought of taking you to but…" He waves his hand around. "I prefer the view here."

"No arguments there."

They're halfway through the main course an hour and a half later, talking easily and lightly as though no time has passed between them being together and now. Meredith is feeling amazingly happy, ready to admit to herself that the past few weeks were worth it just for these moments.

At one point, after they've laughed together at something Derek said, he reaches across the table and takes her hand. "I've missed this. Seeing you smile."

Blushing slightly, Meredith replies slowly, "Yeah, I've..I've missed you making me smile."

Nodding slightly, he leans across the table takes her face in his hands, kissing her.

When they break apart, he clears his throat nervously. "Look, Mer, I know…I know this is supposed to be a simple, normal date but…there's some stuff I really need to say about, well, everything, which I've been good about not mentioning but I really just need to tell you this…"

"Okay…"

His hand back in hers, he starts slowly, "I screwed up a lot. With us, I mean. I hurt you, and I told you last night that I hated that more than anything. You deserve someone a lot better than _me, _someone who doesn't hurt you or lie to you or put you through Hell but…_I_ love you, and I'm just really thankful to get a second chance here, with you, because I don't deserve one…but even though being, um, being apart from you has been torture, it at least showed me how much completely in love I am with you and how I _need _you, because I think that's the difference between loving someone and being _in_ love with someone, the _needing, _the 'cant-live-without-you' feeling.

"And that's me with you, and it's pathetic that it took me being away from you to understand it fully but I'm glad that I get that now. And now that I get that I really don't ever want to have to be apart from you again." He takes a deep breath. "Now I know that you said you didn't want this to mean anything beyond a first date, and I know you said you weren't sure about us and the future, so I hope you can forgive me for doing something really, really inappropriate for a 'first' date, but I'm gonna…"

And then, shocking Meredith completely, Derek moves from his chair and kneels down on one knee. "Oh my God…"

He smiles. "Meredith…"

"Derek…Derek, what are you doing?"

He pulls out a small box and opens it. "Will you marry me?"

Meredith gapes at him.

**Derek**

The speech had gone well. She looked like she was melting during it, which was good. Romantic, honest. The shock factor was definitely there.

She's staring at him, her face pale.

"But…your…your divorce isn't even final!" He had anticipated this protest and is ready with an answer.

"I know! And I'm not saying I want to start immediately planning a wedding or even think about setting a date…but you know we're going to do it eventually and I…I'm ready to make the commitment! I want this to be a sign that this is serious, and I want it to be a promise that you're the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. I love you, Meredith. I need you."

Tears fill her eyes slowly, thinking about how good it feels to hear him say that.

"So…will you?"

**Okay, y'all. I think the next chapter of this is going to be the last one, and I'm willing to try my best to post it before I go out of town on Sunday, but to do that I'm going to need a lot of reviews from you guys. Preferably long and detailed, because I have this thing lately that I do where I read my stuff and end up hating what I wrote, so I need feedback! Also because I'm a little nervous about this chapter, since it's mostly fluff and I've gotten so used to writing angst. While I LOVE the proposal speech and the pier set-up, I"ll end up changing my mind and deciding it was a dumb idea, so I want to know what YOU GUYS honestly think.**

**Oh and for those of you who reviewed Ch. 1 of Jigsaw, thanks a lot. I'm hoping to update that sometime tomorrow, so keep checking!**


	14. In One Brief Moment

**Wow. So I totally suck. I've been so lazy with these, and I'm sorry about that. I was out of town for a little while, then just busy, and then I found myself battling some writers block. However, I'm back. And I've decided to continue this. Past this chapter. Reason? I love it. Maybe that's why it took so long for me to review…I didn't have an idea of how to extend it, and didn't want to be done with it. Just kidding. But anyway…here's your new chapter. It's kind of short, but I wanted to get an update in so you'd know the new turn it's taking.**

**Meredith**

Meredith stares at Derek in increasing shock. All that no pressure talk, the first date jokes…all of that was shot to hell.

But he'd been…so perfect. He has a knack for that; saying the most perfect romantic thing she needed to hear and sweeping her off her feet.

But what happens after the sweeping? That's what concerns Meredith. She has so much doubt…there are so many issues she needs to deal with. That's why she wanted to start slow.

So how is she supposed to make up her mind now?

Yet another part of her wants it so much. Wants exactly what he'd said, to have a promise that she would get to spend the rest of her life with Derek…nothing could be better than that.

"Meredith?" He shoots her a lopsided smile. "Is this just the shock value or should I take this as a bad sign?"

She forces a weak smile. "I just…I don't know, Derek. Not that it's not…it's just so fast."

He nods slowly, his eyes giving away a tiny bit of disappointment, but not much surprise. "Hey, that's okay, Mer. I understand. I guess I just…" He trails off, shrugging.

"Hey, you know I love you."

He smiles at her. "I know."

"Can I just…" Is she really prepared to say no to that? "Can I think about it."

He grins. "Sure. So that's not a firm no?"

She laughs, taking his hand and pulling him standing. He wraps his arms around her waist and kisses her, long and hard. Catching her breath when he pulls away, she tells him, "Few more of those might help you out." She keeps her face straight, but her eyes are dancing with laughter.

"Well in that case…" He grins, waggling his eyebrows at her suggestively. "How about we continue this first date back at the trailer?"

"As tempting as that sounds…not tonight, okay? I kind of want to think about some things."

"Of course." He heaves his shoulders in mock disappointment, but smiles at her. "No problem."

XXXXXXXX

Meredith returns home later to find the house empty, much to her irritation; she's looking forward to telling her friends everything and asking Izzie and Christina for help in sorting out the very conflicted thoughts she's been having on the issue.

She dials Christina's cell phone, but gets no answer, which isn't unusual; Cristina generally forgets to charge it. Izzie's is plugged up on the kitchen counter, which leaves her out of contact.

Restless, Meredith decides to change out of the dress and go look for them. It isn't until she gets to her bedroom and opens a drawer that she remembers all her clothes are somewhere between Seattle and Boston.

Considering taking something of Izzie's, she ultimately decides not to bother. Her friends are predictable people. There's only a handful of places they hang out.

Getting into her car, she heads straight for Joe's. It's refreshing to walk inside the bar without a desperate need for alcohol.

"Wow, look at you!" Joe comments, raising his eyebrows as she steps up to the bar. She smiles at him, scanning her eyes down the stools for her friends. "You look great."

"Thanks, Joe. Izzie or Christina been by?"

He shakes his head. "Not today. George and Alex stopped by, but it was hours ago." He gestures at the array of glasses behind him. "The usual?"

"Not tonight, Joe."

"Oh. So this is purely social tonight?"

She grins. "Just looking for my friends. I guess I'll check some other places."

"See you, Meredith."

"Night, Joe."

She starts to turn and leave when something on the far end of the bar catches her eye. Addison's sitting there, the bar in front of her resembling Meredith's usual nights of empty shot glasses and anger.

Guilt hits Meredith, but at the same time, she's hoping to make an escape without being seen, particularly in her current dress. However, Addison stands suddenly and hands unsteadily to the door and Meredith, making a quick decision, follows her outside.

"Um, Addison?"

Addison turns and stares at Meredith, her eyes eerily unfocused. "Oh, it's you." She slurs loudly. "Nice dress." Even in her drunken state, Addison manages a characteristic smirk. "Been with my husband I guess."

Licking her lips nervously, Meredith asks, "Addison, do you have a ride?"

Ignoring the question, Addison continues to speak. "You got what you wanted didn't you? _Dr. Grey_? Didn't you? Maybe you want this, too!" Addison fumbles with her left hand and takes off her wedding ring, offering it to Meredith almost satirically.

"Addison." Meredith's heart is pounding with an unexplainable panic. "Addison, do you want me to call you a taxi or I could give you a ri-"

"No, no, no. Course not. I'll just drive myself."

"You can't-"

"Sure, sure. Derek did it. Worked for him."

"Derek almost died-"

"But he got what he wanted! Maybe if I nearly kill myself, Mark will change his mind…"

Meredith stares, thoroughly confused now. Hadn't she been talking about Derek before. "Mark?"

"Oh yeah." Addison nods emphatically and starts toward the parking lot. Meredith follows her, and watches as Addison surveys the cars, searching for hers. "Now where did I park the thing…"

"Here's my car, Addison, let's take it." Meredith's voice is coaxing.

Seemingly deaf to the statement, Addison points to the next row of cars. "Think it's over here. She changes directions and Meredith follows, glancing back at the bar, wondering if it would be safe to leave Addison and go get some help…

Addison continues talking. "I called Mark when Derek said he wanted a divorce, and told Mark I was coming home and do you know what he said? Hmm? He said I couldn't stay with him because of the way I left. And because I sent him home. And because he's being mean." She looks forward. "There's that car." Addison reaches in her pocket for her keys.

"Addison give me your keys." Meredith knows she's in over her head here; she has no idea what to do. "Come on, you shouldn't be driving."

"Derek did it." Addison repeats firmly.

"And he could have died."

"But he meant to."

Meredith stops, temporarily distracted by the comment. "He told you?"

Addison looks at her. "I guessed. He did, didn't he? He swerved into that hole. I can do that, too. It worked for him. He swerved didn't he? On purpose?"

"He let go of the wheel. That was stupid." Meredith moves closer, hoping that Addison is distracted now. "Come on let me drive you."

"No!" Addison's firm. She walks to her car and opens the drivers door and gets in, staring at Meredith defiantly. Meredith watches helplessly, head spinning uncertainly, as Addison pulls the car out of the parking lot then stops. Meredith tries to open the driver's door, but Addison just looks at her rather than unlock it.

Hesitating slightly, Meredith walks around the front of the car and opens the passenger door. Addison looks at her, her voice suddenly impatient, "Are you coming?" Her tone suggests that she's been waiting forever for Meredith to make the decision and is tired of it.

"I-" Meredith glances desperately around the parking lot, but it's empty of people. She has a sudden vision of Addison's car in a ditch on the side of the road. She imagines the way Derek looked after the car accident. At least if she goes, she can try to keep Addison from doing something stupid. "Yeah, I'm coming."

What choice does she have?

Addison pulls out of the parking lot and begins driving away from the bar and the hospital, taking roads that, thankfully, don't have hardly any traffic at night.

"Addison." Meredith is attempting a calm, rational voice. "Wouldn't it be better if I drove?"

Addison ignores her. She's speeding up as they go down the road and Meredith clenches her teeth in worry_. I should be doing better… of all people I should know how to talk to someone who's drunk and depressed, right? _Meredith thinks wryly.

"This is good, that you're here, too." Addison says suddenly after they've been driving awhile.

"Is it?" Meredith mutters distractedly. The way they're moving around in the lane is unsettling, and Addison's showing no sign of slowing down, either.

"I can do what Derek did. It got you back, maybe it'll get me Mark back. Or maybe Derek." She laughs, a loud, manic high pitched sound that's quite frightening. "Whoever it is." She pauses, squinting out of the window musingly. "Let's get some dark, huh?" With that statement, she flicks the headlights off.

"Shit, Addison…" Color quickly leaving her face, Meredith makes a grab to turn the headlights back on, but Addison swats her hand away as if Meredith is a child making a sneaky grab at the cookie jar.

She must have _really _been drinking because there isn't a hint of her regular personality in her behavior…

Meredith's eyes dart around the car for a cell phone; she's mentally cursing herself for leaving hers at home…

She spots Addison's pocketbook on her lap for the first time. "Addison.' She tries to keep her tone light and conversational, but its shaking slightly, which somewhat diminishes the effort. "Can I borrow your cell? I need to just tell my friends I came with you, I was supposed to meet them…" The lie sounds feeble even to her own ears. Who is she even planning to call? The police? Hospital? Derek? All the possibilities seem wrong somehow, but she desperately needs to connect outside of this car, beg for help, let someone else decide how to fix this…

"Who? _Derek?_" Now she's a seven year old, taunting.

"N-no, I just-Addison look out!" Meredith seizes the wheel and pulls them back in their lane; Addison had begun to drift off the side.

Addison's laughing again, that terrifying sound, and Meredith stares out at the inky darkness ahead of them, thinking to herself that everything had been too good to be true…how quickly things had turned around from bad to good, and now it had jumped right back to something like this…

"Derek let go of the wheel?" Addison asks suddenly, breaking the silence.

Meredith stares at her, and watches in horror as Addison lifts her hands off the wheel. Instinctively, Meredith grabs it and hold the car steady, at the same time flipping the headlights on.

"Hey, stop it!" Addison protests indignantly, shoving Meredith's hands away. "I'm going to do like Derek…" She lets go again, and Meredith grabs the wheel. "Fuck _off_!" Addison's voice is a command now.

Meredith closes her eyes momentarily, gripping the edge of the seat, knuckles white, terrified. "Addison lets just pull over and…and we can talk about this…", she says faintly.

"Oh, here we go…" Addison mutters.

Meredith's eyes fly open and her heart nearly stops. The headlights of another car have appeared on the other side of the two lane road they're driving on. "Addison, wait-"

Meredith starts to reach for the wheel but it's too late; Addison waits until the precise moment and swerves the car to the left, leaving them sideways in the middle of the road, with Meredith's side being the first thing the oncoming car slammed into.

**Sorry, so short, but I needed the set that up. And yeah, I'm probably gonna get a little bit of crap for making Addison do that, it's out of character, yeah, but she was EXTREMELY drunk, and Addison's a little AU in this anyway. Besides, Derek did something similar. SO don't focus so much on whether she would do that or not. I want to know about the writing, especially Meredith's point of view about the whole thing. And also what you're thinking is coming ( I want to see how predictable I've made it) I love reviews, and I love all the ones I've gotten so far, and I especially love everyone reading this now even tho I put it off for way too long. Jigsaw's new chapter is almost completed as well, and should be posted soon.**


	15. How to Save a Life

**Chapter Fifteen: How To Save A Life**

**Addison**

The paramedics helps her out of the car. Addison looks around blearily; she isn't sure what happened after the car hit them, but she thinks they're further down the road, and then they went off the side.

That part is just like Derek did.

A police officer comes over to her. "What's your name, ma'am?"

"Dr. Addison. Montgomery-Shepard." She's not taking the Shepard off yet. She isn't divorced.

The police officer makes a face. "Have you been drinking."

"Yup."

"Okay, we're going to get you in this ambulance….can you tell me your friend's name?"

"My friend?"

"The woman in the car with you."

Addison pauses. "Oh, that's not my friend! That's my husband ex girlfriend. Her names Meredith Grey. She's a Dr, too, but only an intern. Is she dead?"

The officer has his hand on her arm. Addison's beginning to feel dizzy. "No, but she's badly hurt. The car hit on her side…"

"Oh. Can you call Mark?"

"Mark who?"

"Sloan. Also Dr. All I know is doctors." She laughs, and then everything goes dark.

**Burke**

Burke washes his hands in the scrub room, smiling to himself; successful surgery

He heads immediately into the waiting room, where the wife, parents and sister of their patient are waiting anxiously.

Burke smiles at them as he approaches. "The surgery was very successful. We'll need to monitor him for the next few days, but he should be fine, barring any complications."

He smiles as he watches the family hug each other in relief and then breathlessly expressing their thanks.

"Have a good night."

He's only gone a few steps when Olivia, one of the nurses, is in front of him, slightly breathless. "Dr. Burke, Dr. Bailey told me to come get you right away, she said to come down to trauma."

"Did…did she say what it was?"

Olivia looks uncertain. "She just said to get you."

Burke sighs inwardly. "Okay."

He follows Olivia down to trauma and approaches Dr. Bailey, who's looking strained. Burke approaches her, rubbing his hands together in a businesslike manner. "What's up?" He has to yell slightly over the screech of the ambulance that's right outside the door where they're standing. Bailey doesn't answer him right away, instead watching the paramedics get a stretcher out of the back. "Dr. Bailey, you know I'm not actually on-call tonight, so-"

"We have a problem." Bailey interjects. "Take a look." She nods forward at the stretcher that had already been brought in.

Burke steps forward, confused, and shoots the paramedic who's standing with the stretcher a questioning look. He shrugs.

Burke looks. He pauses. Looks again, to make sure.

He turns toward Bailey. "That's Addison!"

"Yeah, it is. She was driving, the police officer says she's drunk, but she was walking around right after so she's okay. Probably just a concussion, but we need a CT…"

"Addison was drinking?" Burke's head is spinning, trying to wrap his head around the fact that the normally sharp, cool, and collected surgeon could do something like this to herself. He thinks about the resignation she'd handed him. He thinks about Derek showing up at his house for Meredith the other night.

He thinks about Derek being brought in for a similar drunk driving accident not that long ago.

He faces Bailey, and sees that something else is clearly wrong. "What else."

"Take a look." Bailey turns to the other stretcher coming in, taking it from the paramedic and turning to Olivia, who was looking on nervously. "Page the chief for me."

Burke turns to the other stretcher and looks down at it. "What the-" He stops. Meredith Grey. He looks at Bailey, bewildered. "Did Addison run her over or something?"

Bailey throws him a scowl. "No! She was in the passenger seat of the car. The driver said Addison swerved right in front of them."

"Why…why was Grey with Addison?"

"Well, I don't know Dr. Burke. Why don't you ask her!" Bailey snaps sarcastically, voice strained. She stared at Burke, then said urgently. "They said she was in the passenger seat, and took most of the impact. She's pretty bad off, her rib cage is shot, that's obvious…probably a lot of internal injuries, we'll have to check it out, but we need to book an OR, because God knows we'll need one…" She's talking very fast.

"Okay…" He's thinking about Christina. Christina and her friends, she'd said they were coming to the apartment. "We should let Christina know…she…everyone's at our apartment, the other interns….we should tell them."

"And Derek."

"Oh…Derek."

Bailey nods in reply to the darkening of his eyes. "Yeah, and…I don't know about you, but I don't want to do this over the phone. I'll page all of them 911, that should get them here…"

"Yeah…" Burke nods distractedly. "Yeah, okay." He thinks for a moment. "I can tell her friends if you talk to Shepard."

**Christina**

"I can't believe he was going to propose!" Izzie says wonderingly, for about the hundredth time since they arrived at Cristina's apartment.

"I _think _he was." George corrects her. "Not for sure."

"Please." Alex scoffs. "He told us he was going to give her something. He had that place all fancy. He was all jumpy and nervous. He was going to propose."

"What do you think she'll say?"

Christina shakes her head in exasperation. "Haven't we gone through this? Let's move on, please?"

"If we're boring you so much why did you even invite us over?" Izzie asks, annoyed.

"Because Burke's in surgery, and I can't stand being in this place alone. It's too clean, I drive myself crazy."

"You've been living here awhile, Christina. How have you not been able to make some mess?"

"I've tried! Believe me! But Burke picks everything up. It's not even worth the effort anymore."

Alex downs the rest of the bottle he's holding. "You got any more beer, Yang?"

"Don't know, go check."

"You're the hostess."

Christina makes a face at him. "This isn't a tea party, Evil Spawn. You want something from the kitchen, you've got legs."

"Yeah, and you've got-"

Alex's reply is cut short by the beeping of someone's pager. Automatically, all four of them pull theirs out and check. It's Christina's. "911? I'm not on call…"

More beeps, and one by one they check. "Me, too."

"We've all got it."

"None of us is on call, what the hell-"

"The last time this happened it was the train accident…"

At this comment, they look at each other. "Turn on the TV." Christina instructs, standing up and throwing people their jackets.

George grabs the remote and turns on the local news, but there's no breaking news story. He shrugs and flips it off. "Let's just go."

**Derek**

He hasn't even bothered to change from his suit and is sitting on the porch of the trailer, reading the paper and going over the date earlier in his mind. He is, overall, pretty pleased. The set up was nice, she'd loved it…they'd had a great time, slipping back into the easy-going, comfortable relationship.

And the proposal…he has no idea what he was expecting, and a 'think about it' is a lot better then no, which he had prepared himself for…he knew it was a big risk.

The beeping of his pager startles him, and for a moment he isn't sure if he's imagining it. Finally, he moves right inside the trailer and picks it up from the table. 911?

"Damn." He sighs. He's not even on call.

**Christina**

She leads the others into the hospital and finds Burke inside waiting for them, in the lobby.

"Burke, what's going on, was there a huge accident?"

He looks momentarily confused. "Why…why would you think that?"

"Like the train…none of us are on call but we all got paged." Izzie explains quickly.

"Oh, right. Um, it's nothing like that. I just needed to talk to you, all of you."

Christina studies him closely. "Burke, what is it? What's going on?"

Burke meets her eyes but doesn't say anything.

George speaks suddenly. "Are we waiting for Meredith?"

"Huh?"

"Did you page her, too?"

"Dr. Burke?" The voice prevents Dr. Burke from answering. They all turn and see Dr. Shepard entering the hospital. He shoots them a questioning look. "What's going on? I got paged, and I'm not supposed to be on call."

"Us, too." Alex tells him.

"Burke." Christina's voice is more a demand now.

"Dr. Shepard, Dr. Bailey wants to talk to you, I think she's around the on-call room."

He sighs. "Okay, thanks."

Christina faces Burke, a bad idea that she knows what's going on. "Is it Mer?"

"Is what Meredith?" Izzie asks her, shooting Christian a confused look.

Christina keeps her eyes locked on Burke's. "It is, isn't it?"

Slowly he nods. "Yes."

George and Alex exchange a look. "Wait, what…what is it? What about Meredith?"

Christina shoots them a look.

"She and Addison…they were brought in earlier. They were in a car accident."

"Meredith and _Addison_?" Izzie repeats.

Burke nods gravely. "Addison was driving and she'd been drinking quite a bit. She swerved the car into the next lane, right into an oncoming car. Meredith was in the passengers side, and it took most of the impact."

"Why were they together!" Izzie asks shrilly.

"We think they were coming from Joe's…Meredith wasn't drinking so she probably met Addison there and got in the car to try to help…but we need one of you to call Joe and try to find out anything…"

Christina locks her eyes with Burke's and asks softly, "How bad it is?"

His voice is full of sympathy. "It's not good."

Christina looks down, shaking her head slowly. "_Fuck_."

"Wait you mean…" Izzie's voice is shaking. "You don't mean she could die." Christina turns and gives her a 'get with it' kind of look. "She could die?"

Burke doesn't answer; he doesn't need to his. His look is enough. Izzie turns and gives Alex a frightened look. He slips his hand into hers.

George speaks for the first time. "What…what about Addison?"

"She's got a concussion and some bruising but she'll be fine."

"Typical." Christina mutters. Her chest feels abnormally tight and her head's pounding uncomfortably.

Burke's voice is quiet. "The Chief's on Meredith's case, and we're going to find out the extent of the damage and do everything we can, surgically, but she's lost a lot of blood." He pauses. "Can someone try to get in touch with Joe? Find out what happened?"

"I can." George answers instantly, wanting something to do. Burke nods at him and George heads for the parking lot, intending to go across the street.

Burke looks at Alex and Izzie. "Do you guys want to go sit in the waiting room…the Chief should have something to tell us soon."

Izzie's fighting tears, but Alex nods. "Sure, that's…that's fine."

They head off and Burke meets Christina's gaze. "Are you okay?"

"Can I scrub in?" She shoots back.

"No. That's not a good idea."

"Then no." She turns and head after Alex and Izzie.

"Christina."

**Bailey**

"Hi." Derek walks into the on-call room where she'd been waiting for him. "What's going on?"

"We need to talk."

He grins, then, with mock incredulity, asks "Are you breaking up with me?" Bailey's face remains serious. "Sorry. What's up?"

She opens her mouth to start, but something stops her. That gleam in his eyes, a sort of light. He's been missing that for awhile now. The teasing, charming, slightly cocky attending she'd met when he first came here had disappeared, and now it seems, he's back.

And Bailey has to be the one to give him the news to shatter that all over again.

How to start? That's something doctors deal with all the time, giving bad news. It seems tactless to just blurt it out, yet building it up seems wrong to…just dragging it out and raising fear.

Rip the band-aid off or peel it slowly?

Uncharacteristically, Bailey opts for slow. She just can't make herself tell him yet.

"Dr. Shepard, you remember how you were feeling when you got in that drinking and driving accident?"

Looking confused, he nods. "Yeah, I was just…miserable. But what-"

"I guess Addison was feeling the same way. Dr. Shepard, she was drinking tonight, we think at Joe's, and she left in her car. She was in an accident, she swerved in front of another car."

His eyes instantly darken in fear and, as Bailey can clearly see, guilt. "Is…I mean, is she okay?"

Bailey opens her mouth to answer, but he cuts her off. "It's bad, isn't it? I can see in your eyes its bad."

Feeling a pang of sadness for him, as he has yet to hear about Meredith, she answers, "She'll be fine. She's got a concussion at most, some bruising and cuts but…she'll be fine."

Derek slowly exhales, his body relaxing in visible relief. "That's…that's good. You know, that everything's okay." He glances at Bailey, clearing taking in her expression. "Everything's okay?"

"Derek…"

**Derek**

Okay, something else is wrong. Bailey never calls him Derek.

"…she wasn't alone. In the car."

"Um…okay." He shoots Bailey a quizzical look. What is she talking about? Was Addison with a guy? Was that supposed to upset him? Surely she'd heard about the divorce papers, the resignation, all the other drama…

"Derek…" Bailey paused slightly, but seemed to resign herself. "Derek, Meredith was in the car with Addison."

_Meredith._

"No." He answers simply. Bailey's giving him a look full of sympathy, and it's making him angry. "No way. That's, that's impossible. Meredith wouldn't be with Addison, anyway…I had a date with her, a few hours ago, why would she…no." He says this with a note of finality. He stares at Bailey, and she just looks like she feels sorry for him, and his anger mounts. "Did I do something to you? Or, or did you not like that I hurt Addison and you're trying to punish me?"

Her voice is quiet, the kind of soothing voice used to calm patients. "Dr. Shepard, I wouldn't lie to you about something like that."

"But it's impossible!" His voice cracks. "I just…I just saw her! And she, she wouldn't have been with Addison." He shakes his head rapidly, as if it somehow makes this less true. He's suddenly hit by waves of nausea .

"We think…we think she was at the bar for some reason, she wasn't drinking, and she probably followed Addison out and went with her to try to help."

"Okay…" He tries to keep his voice calm. "Okay. But she's okay, right? You said Addison just got a concussion, so it wasn't that bad of an accident. She's going to be fine."

"She was in the passenger seat. Addison swerved almost completely into the next lane, so the oncoming car hit right where Meredith was sitting. I'm sorry-"

The horrifying thought comes to him. "IS SHE ALIVE!" His voice is a lot louder than he's intended.

"Yes. Right now. But I'm not going to lie to you, it's pretty bad."

Color draining from his face, his knees give out beneath him and he's on the ground without even noticing how he got there, on his knees, his hands pressed into the floor. Tears burn his eyes.

_My fault. My fault. My fault._

That's all he can think. He could lose Meredith, and it would be because of him. No matter what he does, someone gets hurt, this time Addison, and Meredith got caught up in it. If only he hadn't strung the two of them along for so long, things wouldn't have gotten so messed up…

He wants to blame Addison, but how can he when he did the same thing?

He's talking, his voice hoarse. "It's because of me. I did this to her….I strung it out for two long, I was always going to hurt someone. Now its Addison and Meredith got caught up in it…even when I'm making her happy I'm hurting her. It's my fault. Jesus, I did this. If she…if she dies…" His voice cracks noticeably.

He feels Bailey put a tentative hand on his shoulder. She's speaking, but her voice sounds far away. "They're getting tests to get the extent of the internal damage and then they're taking her to the OR to do whatever they can. The Chief's on it."

If this is meant to reassure him, it does nothing. He's a doctor; he knows how they choose words, and Bailey's are all engineered not to give him any false hope. He stares at the ground, trying to comprehend how this happened, how they went from the fantastic date to _this _in a few hours. Tears are rolling down his cheeks now, but he's only dimly aware of them.

"If you want to see Addison and find out what happened…" Bailey's tone is uncertain. "She woke up a few minutes before you got here, and they've got a banana bag IV in her, so she ought to be close to sober…"

"Can I see Meredith?" His voice is unrecognizable, low and thick.

"Um…" Bailey pauses. "I think they want to get her straight into the OR, but maybe you can get a minute when they wheel her by."

Derek shivers involuntarily. This is surreal. "When…" He struggles with his voice. "When will that be?"

"I don't know. Why don't you come with me, I can talk to the Chief and find out anything."

He nods, standing shakily and running his sleeve under his eyes. Bailey puts a comforting hand on his shoulder and they walk out of the on-call room.

**Mark**

He's on his way home from the hospital when his cell rings. He looks down and sees 'Addison' flash on the screen.

He sighs, conflicted. It had been hard for him to tell her off early, but he has too much ego and pride to take what she'd been doing lately. First taking off from New York 'for a case' and then never coming back, then refusing him so much as an explanation when he'd come to see her. Now, when Derek divorced her for Meredith, _now _she was ready.

He knows he'll break down eventually, but he needs to see her prove that he's more than a second choice.

Still, she'd been upset. He didn't like that.

Sighing in resignation, he answers the phone. "Hello?"

"Is this Mark Sloan?"

Mark's eyebrows knit together in confusion. It's a man's voice. "Yes. Who's this?"

"Officer Jeff Clinton, Seattle PD. Do you know an Addison Shepard?"

Mark's heart jumps painfully. "Yes. Is okay?"

"She'll be fine, but she was in a car accident. She'd been drinking." He winces in guilt. "And she got lucky. A concussion at most, I believe. But she was asking for us to call you, and we found the number in her cell from her pocket…are you her...?" He trails off, waiting for an answer.

"Um, I'm a friend." Mark answers numbly. "She's, she's okay? You're sure?"

"That's the report we got. Her side of the car didn't catch most of the impact. The other girl, though…"

"Who else?"

"Um, Meredith Grey. Do you know her?"

"We've met." Mark can't believe what this guy is saying. First, picture a situation where Addison and Meredith would be in the same car. With Addison drunk. And now… "How's she?"

"Um, she's pretty bad off."

Out of nowhere, Mark feels a rush of sympathy for his former best friend. He's got to be taking this hard.

"Okay, um…can someone tell Addison that you got me? And tell her…" He makes a quick decision. "Tell her I'm coming. As soon as I can."

"Will do."

**Bailey**

Dr. Burke is coming toward her as she and Derek come out of the on-call room. "Dr. Bailey, one of the nurse's asked me to tell you that Addison wants to talk to you."

"Um, okay…" She glances uncertainly from Dr. Shepard to Dr. Burke.

Burke turns to Derek. "Shep?" Derek looks at him as though just now noticing his presence. "Christina and the other interns are in the waiting room…the Chief promised to go down there as soon as he found something out about Meredith, if you want to go wait…"

He shoots Bailey a glance, then looks back at Burke, his voice soft, "They'll tell us before they take her to the OR?"

"Of course." Burke's using his 'soothing doctor' voice, too.

"Because I want to see her."

"You can. Not for long, but you can."

Derek nods slightly and Burke tells Bailey, "She's in 3221." Then he turns and leads Shepard down the hall.

Bailey shakes her head slightly, realizing that all three of them, the ones involved in this seemingly endless triangle, have now ended up in the hospital as a result of alcohol and car crashes.

She takes a long, shaky breath before turning and heading to Addison's room.

Bailey enters and attempts a smile. Addison's sitting in the bed, her knees drawn close to her, looking small and frightened. Her face is cut up a little, as well as her arms.

"How you feeling?"

Addison turns her face to look at her. "How could I have been so stupid?"

Bailey smiles sadly at her and moves closer to the bed. "It happens to the best."

Addison shakes her head. "How's Meredith?"

Bailey doesn't answer right away. Finally, she simply says, "She's not doing so good."

"Damnit." Addison's voice is desperate. "Why would she come with me? I don't get it…"

"What happened, Addison?"

There's a catch in her voice as she speaks, "I don't remember that well but…but I know I'd been at Joe's for awhile, and Meredith came in, she was only there for a minute, because I left. She followed me out, I guess and…I think she tried to get me to let her drive but I was talking about doing what Derek did, and I got in the drivers and…" She winces slightly. "And I asked her if she was coming, and she got in." Addison seems on the verge of tears. "_Why_ would she do that? For anyone, but especially me?"

"She probably wanted to stop you from doing what Derek did."

She nods slightly. "And now she might die because of it." Bailey doesn't know what to say to that. "Have you told him yet?"

"Derek?" Addison nods in answer. "Yeah. I just told him."

"How…how is he?"

"He's…" Bailey pauses, swallowing hard. "He's not doing so good, either."

"Does he hate me?" Addison's voice is small and fragile.

"No. How can he? He was brought in before for the same thing. Besides, Addison, he's too busy blaming himself."

"What? Oh…" Addison cringes guiltily. "Can you tell him I need to see him? I have to tell him something, and it's important."

Bailey studies her face. "Yeah, I can. But I know he's waiting to see Meredith when they take her to surgery."

"After, then." She says quickly. "It's important."

**Derek**

He's numb as he follows Burke into the waiting room. Meredith's friends are sitting there, including George, who got back from Joe's earlier.

He takes a seat in a chair across from George, and Burke joins Christina on one of the couches. "We should know something soon."

Derek drops his head into his hands for a few moments, trying unsuccessfully to convince himself that she'll be okay. When he looks up, he avoids the eyes of her friends.

Absently, he shoves his hands into the pockets of his jacket, and the first thing he feels is the tiny box that holds the ring. Pulling it out, he opens it and stares. _Please God let me have a chance to give her this…_

"Did she say no?"

Izzie's voice startles him, reminds him that there are other people in the room. For a moment, he had felt like he was in his own private universe.

He stares now, and five pairs of eyes are staring at him, at the ring. He reddens slightly, then says in a hollow voice, "She said she wanted to think about it."

"Oh."

They lapse into silence again.

An agonizing amount of time passes. It's probably only about fifteen minutes, but each second slides by and builds the helplessness, guilt, and pure terror.

Derek's eyes lock in on the door across the hall from the small waiting area, the one where Meredith's being prepped for surgery.

"Shouldn't we know something by now?" Alex says loudly, if only to break to silence.

"You'd think." George mutters.

"Jesus, I can't do this anymore." Christina says, surprising everyone. She stands. "I've got to find out something."

"Christina." Burke says gently. "That's not really a good-"

"_Fine_!" She snaps. "Then you go! They'll let you in." Burke looks away, the look in his eyes showing that he's about to refuse. "_Please."_

Derek watches him anxiously.

"Fine." Burke stands from the couch and Christina sits back down. He heads into the room.

A few minutes later, Dr. Bailey walks into the waiting room. She raises her eyebrows in the direction of her interns. "What do we know?"

"Nothing." Alex's voice shows his increasing frustration with that fact.

Bailey nods. She looks down at Derek. "Listen…Addison wants to see you. She says she has to tell you something. Something important."

"Not yet." He says.

Bailey nods.

"Burke went to go find out something." George says.

**Burke**

"Chief?" He closes the door behind him. "Where are we?"

Dr. Webber looks at him over the heads of the various doctors and nurses crowding around Meredith's bed. His expression is strained. "It's not good at all, Preston. We're taking her into surgery in a few minutes, and it's going to be long and difficult, there's so much internal damage. We'll need you." Burke nods. "And Dr. Bailey."

"Okay. Well, look, can you maybe give everyone a report? They're getting anxious, and-"

"Dr. Webber, she's crashing…" This comes from a nurse standing near the bed.

Both men's heads snap toward the heart monitor, and before their eyes it moves to a flat line.

"Code Blue!"

"Jesus…" Burke murmurs, moving toward the button on the wall to call the code team.

**Derek**

He's sitting in his chair, still holding the ring, absently passing it between his hands. His heart is beating so hard in his chest it's become physically painful.

Then his heart stops.

The code team is hurrying down the hallway. Everyone in the waiting room is staring in horror.

It stops in front of Meredith's room, opens the door and goes inside, leaving the door slightly ajar.

Derek can't move for a moment. He can't think, he can't breathe. Then, suddenly, he's on his feet, heart pounding in his ears, moving toward the room.

Webber's holding the paddles and his bent over Meredith. "Charge the 200!"

"Clear!"

Derek feels dizzy as he watches the paddles shock her. This is a sight he's seen millions of times, yet this feels impossible. Meredith's heart….

"Nothing!"

"19 seconds."

"Charge the 300!"

Burke glances up at Derek. "Get out of here, all of you!"

"No!" It's Christina's voice, and Derek realizes for the first time that he was followed inside by the others.

"Still nothing, 35 seconds."

"Charge the 360."

"Clear!"

Derek's watching, breathless. This is a dream. He's going to wake up any moment.

"Still nothing, Chief, 54 seconds."

Derek is moving forward, and he's suddenly wrenching the paddles from the bewildered Chief. Sounding a lot more forceful than he feels, he barks, "Charge again!"

"Derek, you need to start CP-"

"CHARGE AGAIN!" He's borderline hysterical now.

"Charging the 360…"

"Anything?"

"Still nothing…"

"Fuck…" He throws the paddles on the ground.

"Christ, Shep…"

He stars CPR, his eyes glued to the heart monitor. "Come on, ON!" His voice drops to a whisper. "You can't do this to me, _please_…"

The long, drawn out beep in the background is the only thing anyone can hear.

Finally, the Chief grabs his arm. His voice is low and gruff, "Let her go, Shep."

Derek pulls his hands back, then in one quick motion, he thumps his fist hard against her chest.

Dead silence for a nanosecond that seems to go on forever.

Then…

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

"We have a pulse." The nurse sounds amazed.

Derek's knees give out beneath him and he's suddenly half crouching on the floor, half leaning against the bed. He's shaking all over as he listens to the steady beep from the heart monitor.

Alex has his arms around Izzie and she's crying silently, out of either leftover fear or sheer relief. Christina's, who's fighting tears, has moved closer to Burke; he puts his arm around her and feels that, like Derek, she's shaking. George's chest is heaving unnaturally, and even Bailey looks shaken and unnerved.

Chief claps a hand on Derek's shoulder. "You did good, Shep."

He moves his hands from clutching the bedspread and covers his face. He can't help it anymore; his face is wet with tears and his body starts to shake with hard, silent sobs.

Chief looks around the room. "Okay, everybody needs to clear out. We need to get her to surgery."

"You…you…" Derek's struggling to speak, but finally manages to get out, in a strangled voice directed at the Chief. "You were gonna let her die…you were giving up."

Webber's face twists into a tortured expression. "I know. I'm sorry."

"I'm _not_ leaving her."

"Derek, be reasonable. We don't need you in surgery, it's not even you're area."

"I don't _care_!" He pulls his face up to look at Dr. Webber, his tear-filled eyes burning with fury. He's found a new place to direct his anger. "If I hadn't been in here, _you _would have let her go down, and right now you'd be coming out in the hall telling me that she's-" His voice breaks.

Webber shoots Dr. Bailey and Dr. Burke desperate looks. They shrug.

Webber sighs and addresses the entire room. "Can we have a moment?"

Everyone files out, one by one until Derek and Chief are alone.

"Derek. We're going to operate on her. We're going to do everything we can to make sure she comes through fine. You don't need to see this. You're not her doctor right now, and we only let doctors in the OR. I will _not _let her go without a fight. I promise you that."

Finally, Derek meets his eyes. "Can I have a minute? Alone with her? Before?"

Webber nods. "But only a minute. We need to get her down there." He moves out of the room, leaving Derek with Meredith.

He stares at her. She looks so small in the hospital bed, surrounded by machines tubes. He takes her left hand, the one that isn't broken from the accident (she broke a lot of bones on the right side) and squeezes it gently.

"I love you, Mer. So much. And I'm so sorry this happened."

The beep of the heart monitor going into flat line echoes in his head, and he's sure that it's a moment that will haunt him for a long time.

He'd almost lost her. And she hasn't even been taking to surgery yet.

The past few weeks flash through his mind. His own car accident, telling her he made a mistake and it being too late, Mark, Meredith transferring, the night he'd gone to get her from the airport, finding out she wasn't leaving, asking her out, the proposal…

They've come so far. They're so close and now…

Defeated, he drops his face into his hands and cries.

**Okay. So hopefully that was nice and emotional. I hope everyone reviews, because I'm really anxious to hear what people think of this chapter (as always, long reviews are my faves) especially the whole flat line incident and Derek's POV. Anyway, if you're reading Jigsaw, don't give up on it; I'm nearly done with the next chapter, but this chapter was halfway done before I posted before, before I decided to end the last one at the car accident itself, so this was easy to finish. Anyway REVIEW please. **


	16. Damn Cold Night

**Chapter Sixteen**

**I'm sorry it's taken awhile to update, but I started school, and this years going to be a tough one. Plus, this chapter was hard to write, but I'm a little bit in love with one scene in it : ) . I think it's pretty long, though, and pretty eventful. You guys have been great with the reviews, and it makes writing so great for me. I Hope you like this chapter. Probably the next to last one. PLEASE REVIEW.**

**Christina**

She and the others are herded outside by the Chief, and everyone seems in a huge hurry to leave the room, as if getting out will let them escape what just happened, or almost happened, in the room. In the rush to the door, she's sandwiched between Dr. Bailey and Burke, but as soon as they're back in the tiny waiting room, she twists to the side, turning away from the line of couches and chairs.

Her breath is still coming out in uneven gasps, and her vision is still blurry. It's making it hard to concentrate. This is why she doesn't like crying.

She needs to get that image out of her head. The whole scene. The code team. Running behind Dr. Shepard into the room. Watching the charges fail, watching Shepard do the CPR, the Chief telling him to let her go…

She shivers.

_Focus on something else_, she commands herself. _Recite the protocol for code blue. Turn it medical. Why was it so surprising that the heart resumed beating? Pretend that wasn't Meredith. _

A hand claps onto her shoulder, and Burke's voice is right next to her ear, deep and concerned. "You okay?"

Okay? There are probably still marks on his arm from her fingernails and he asks if she's okay. She won't turn to look at him. She also won't answer his question.

"She could die, Burke." Her voice is soft and breathless.

"She could live."

Christina closes her eyes, nearly sighing in exasperation at the complete _Burke-ness _of the answer. Burke's arm slides around her and he moves beside her instead of behind. She still won't look at him, not until her eyes go back to normal.

"There was no…" Her throat closes against the words and she presses her lips together, determined to get out the sentence evenly. "There was no reason Derek should have gotten her heart to beat again." _Pretend you're just discussing the days medical cases like usual. Pretend this is casual. Pretend it excites you. _"Did you see how long he'd been doing CPR?"

"Yeah. There's no reason she should still be alive. _Medically._" All of his stress is on the last word. Finally, Christina turns to face him.

She knows what he means. She and Burke differ on a lot of things, one of them being the 'medical explanation' topic. Science and spiritual, that kind of thing. Christina never sees anything past the medicine and scientific explanations. Burke, on the other hand, believes in bigger things. What, exactly, she isn't sure; that kind of conversation isn't exactly her strong suit. Fate, God, power of the spirit…something like that. Miracles, maybe.

The point is, she had always needed an explanation for everything, something she could prove. Burke didn't.

And for the first time, she's questioning that. Because the truth is, if she'd been the one holding the paddles, doing the compressions…she wouldn't have kept going. She, like the Chief, would have let Meredith go.

And Meredith have died.

Christina, who'd always thought herself a great surgeon…had it been her working on Meredith's case, her best friend would be dead.

And if a realization like that doesn't make her question her medical skills and beliefs, nothing will.

"Christina?" Burke's voice is gentle. Probably the look on her face as she's processing these thoughts.

"What?"

He tightens his grip on her. "You're shaking."

Instinctively, she turns her body toward him, leaning into his chest for just a moment. She's not sure who's more surprised by the gesture, Burke or herself. It doesn't last long; she's still Christina, and within a moment she pulls back to look at him.

"Thank you."

He's still looking bewildered. "For what?"

"For a lot of things." She pauses slightly. "For telling me to make up with her the other night." Was that only a night ago? "This…this is bad enough without us not speaking."

He nods down at her. "It was nothing."

The door opens behind him and every head in the room snaps to look at it. Dr. Webber enters the waiting room, without Dr. Shepard. He looks like he's aged ten years over the last hour. He steps over to Burke. "I gave Derek a minute alone with her, but we really need to get moving."

Christina fights the urge to look away from the conversation, keeping her eyes focused on the Chief. She keeps giving herself the same commands. _Pretend it's just a regular patient. It's not Meredith. You were helping her get ready for a DATE earlier, for God's sakes. This is surgery. It's supposed excite you._

"I'll go prep the OR." Burke is offering.

Christina makes one last attempt. "So I seriously can't scrub in?"

"That's not a good idea, Dr. Yang. You know that." Chief's eyes are filled with sympathy. That's not helping Christina pretend.

"Burke?"

"I'm sorry."

"_Great_."

Burke puts a hand on her arm. "I'll see you later, okay?"

She nods, trying to be angry. Burke gives a small, reassuring smile and then turns and walks away.

Christina watches him go, then turns her attention to the rest of the room. She's nearly forgot there were other people there. Izzie's leaning into Alex on one end of the couch, and Dr. Bailey and George are in the chairs. Webber stands outside the door to Meredith's room, leaning against the wall.

Christina sits down on the couch next to Alex and Izzie, tilting her head back until she's looking at the ceiling. "Okay, Yang?" She snaps her neck back to its regular position, startled. Alex is looking at her over the top of Izzie's head, all traces of his usual smirk gone.

She studies him for a moment, taking it how pale his face his, the way his eyes are no different then the rest of them, full of fear and dread. She thinks back to the couple of days when she and Meredith weren't speaking, when Alex has followed her out of the 'cafeteria' and lashed out at her for the way she was treating Meredith. The way she'd told him it was 'news to her' that they were friends.

She shakes her head slightly, then, in answer to his question, smiles humorlessly. "I guess."

They all fall silent as Dr. Webber opens the door to Meredith's hospital room. His voice is quiet, but with the silence in the room it's easy to hear. "I'm sorry, Shep. We've got to get her down there now." There's a moments pause, and then Derek comes shuffling out behind the Chief, his face down, looking extremely dejected and out of place in the suit he had never changed out of.

Within moments, a couple nurses have arrived and push Meredith's gurney out into the hallway. Derek's staring fixedly at her, until Bailey stands up from her chair and offers it to him. He nods gratefully and sits, as Bailey gets ready to follow Chief to the OR.

Christina watches as Bailey looks at Derek, her eyes full of sympathy, and says, "Don't forget to go see Addison." Derek looks up for the first time since he left the room, and his eyes are bloodshot.

He mutters something that Christina can't quite pick up. He doesn't seem to be paying any bit of attention to Dr. Bailey, but Christina's all ears now.

In all the dread and the fear and the panic and the worry, she hasn't even thought about Addison. It hasn't even occurred to Christina to get angry, which is odd, since it's her preferred emotion when she has any sort of deep feelings.

It's occurring to her now.

"I mean it, Shep." Bailey's voice is gentle, but also laced with firmness, to show how serious she is. "She said it's important. You should talk to her. You don't have to go now, but…you should."

Derek just nods, but Christina feels a twinge of annoyance at Bailey. Why should she be pushing him to see Addison, of all people? Why should he care, why should _Bailey_ care for that matter, if Addison thinks whatever she has to say is important? So much for loyalty to Meredith.

Bailey turns to her remaining interns to shot them reassuring smiles, but her smile fades into a questioning look when she meets Christina's gaze. Christina hadn't realized her anger is showing on her face. She looks away.

Bailey's talking, "It'll be a long surgery, guys, but we'll let you know as soon as we're done."

George and Alex manage half-hearted replies, and then Dr. Bailey followed the Chief toward the ORs.

The more Christina thinks about it, the angrier she gets, and this is easier for her to handle. Tears, sadness, helplessness…that doesn't work for Christina. Anger does.

**Derek**

_It'll be a long surgery._

Bailey's words echoed in his head. A long surgery means a long time of just sitting here waiting, suffocating in the tension filled air of the tiny waiting room. A long surgery means that if they came back after any normal amount of time, he would know they'd lost her.

His stomach clenches painfully. He can't cry anymore; he just feels numb to everything around him. Bailey had reminded him to go see Addison, but he can't imagine getting up, leaving this room.

Not that he likes being in this room, not that he's looking forward to the next God knows how many hours they'll have to spend sitting here, waiting and worrying. But there's nothing to do but wait, and of course he can't help but worry. Walking around this hospital, talking to other people…that won't make it go away.

The first hour of waiting passes with none of them saying a word.

Derek keeps himself busy trying to remember every detail of the date. The way her face lit up when she saw his elaborate setup. The way she's looked when he made her laugh. Every detail. He's hoping that these images can somehow chase away the one of her lying in the hospital bed or on the gurney, looking small and broken and hurt. Maybe remembering the sound of her voice when she teased him, or the way she laughed at his jokes…maybe that can drown out the steady beep of the flat line that's echoing through his head.

**Izzie**

This is torture. Sitting in this room, in the silence, nothing to focus on except for the surgery taking place and the terrible possibilities of its outcome.

She looks over at Dr. Shepard with a twinge of pity. The way he'd just sank to the ground after Meredith's heart had started beating again…

"Dr. Shepard?" She venture hesitantly, breaking the silence and startling everyone in the room. Derek turns to face her but he doesn't reply, just waits. "Thank you. For not giving up on her."

He nods ever so slightly, then opens his mouth, working it side to side in a very odd manner, as though in the hour of silence he forgot how to speak. Finally, he says, in thick voice very unlike him, "I couldn't let her die."

"Well…it was good. That you kept going."

"It was." Christina echoes, surprising her. They look at each other.

Alex, whose arm is still around Izzie's shoulder, speaks next, apparently glad the silence is broken and anxious to keep it that way. His voice is a little louder than usual, as if he's trying to fill up the room more. "So this sucks. Nothing to do but sit here and wait."

"Oh, sorry, you're bored? Need a little entertainment?" George shoots at him sarcastically. Izzie gives him a quizzical look at this uncharacteristic behavior.

Alex, surprisingly, responds as if this is a perfectly valid question. "No, not bored. But isn't this driving you crazy? Nothing to do but think about what's happening in that OR?"

"I know what you mean." Christina tells him.

"Yeah, I guess I do, too." George admits. "Sorry."

"What else is there to do but wait though?" Izzie asks, savoring the flow of conversation. It lets her focus her attention on something else.

"Well, if we're lucky, this will be a long night." Alex reasons.

"Why if we're lucky?" George asks, prompting Alex to throw him a look. Izzie can see his face slowly change with comprehension: if the surgery is cut short, it doesn't mean anything good. "Oh."

"Anyway", Alex continues, "Long surgery, and its late." He glances at Izzie. "Nothing wrong with grabbing some sleep."

"Doubt I'll be able to sleep." Izzie retorts, though admitting to herself that it sounds a lot better than sitting here awake all night.

Alex shifts his weight on the couch so he's leaning against the dinky little cushions on end, and he pulls Izzie against him. Comforted by the gesture, she closes her eyes. He whispers, his lips close to her ears, "Nothing wrong with trying."

Izzie moves her neck back so she can look up at him. Keeping her voice at a whisper, she confesses, "I'm scared, Alex."

"I know you are." He pauses. "I could tell you the standard lines about how everything's going to be okay, which I don't know. But…"

"It's okay." She tells him. "Don't do that." She swallows against the lump filling her throat, the one that's making it difficult to breathe. "I don't want to hear it if it's not true."

"It could be." He says quickly.

She nods, thinking back to Derek's accident, how upset Meredith had been. He had lived.

As her mind drifted back to the accident, she begins to think about everything Meredith has gone through since then. Her eyes drift to Derek, who's staring straight ahead, his eyes hollow, his hands clasps and visibly trembling, and Izzie feels a pang of anger. This isn't fair. The two of them are so close. Meredith's been through so much, and now she's got the chance to be happy. It isn't fair that it might get ripped away.

As though Alex is reading her thoughts, he tightens his grip protectively around her, and she closes her eyes again, praying for sleep.

**Christina**

About three more hours pass. George, Izzie, and Alex are all asleep, or at least pretending to be. Derek's expression has barely changed. She grabs a medical magazine from the table and opens it randomly to page eighteen and stares at it for a while, not reading a word.

She's just managed to clear all thoughts from her head when Derek speaks, his voice flat. "I should go talk to Addison…"

Christina isn't sure if this is directed at her or not, but she replies anyway. "Why?"

From the look he gives her, he obviously wasn't addressing her. He seemed to have forgotten he wasn't alone in the room. For some reason, her question flusters him, as though he hadn't counted on explaining. "Bailey said that Addison said it was…important."

"Oh, well if it's _important_." Christina's tone drips with sarcasm, and Derek, who's moved to the edge of his seat, shifts his gaze uneasily from his hands to Christina.

"You…you think I shouldn't?" His tone is so uncertain that Christina can't help but feel sorry for him. It's like he's been rendered incapable of making any decision.

Still, she's doing anger right now, so she keeps her tone blunt and sarcastic. "Sure. If you don't care that she's the reason Meredith is lying on an OR table in a very risky surgery right now. The reason she almost died a little while ago and could still die, at any time." Her voice is rough, and she doesn't care.

Derek looks Christina in the eyes for the first time. "I want to hate her. But…I divorced her. That's why she was drinking. And that was a stupid thing to do, but I…_I _did it. I was depressed and drunk and I crashed a car-"

"_Alone_!" Her voice has a lot more feeling than she'd intended. "Even in the state you were in, would you have known not to intentionally run your car off the road if _someone else was with you_!"

"I…" Christina watches the way his eyebrows knit together, like he's thinking back to the night. "I think I would have known that, yeah. But how can I be sure? No one tried to stop me."

"Really? No one knew you were drinking and driving?"

He pauses. "Addison did. She followed me out of the house."

She can see she's latched onto something he's never really thought about. She desperately wants him to get angry, too, wants him to hate Addison. He owes_ that_ to Meredith. "And she did what when you drove off?"

"She…she watched from the porch while I drove off. She tried to tell me to stop. But she didn't follow me."

"Right, okay. So you're wife couldn't try to stop you from drinking and driving, but Meredith risked her own life to help _her_?" She gives a short, humorless laugh. "Makes perfect sense."

Slowly, Derek, looking lost in thought, stands. "I can't…I can't sit here anymore. I thought I couldn't leave, but I can't stay here, I have to do something. I want to know what happened, I need…I need to know how this happened." It's obvious from his voice he's trying to justify it; she's made him question going to see Addison.

**Derek**

He moves down the hallway, shaken by his conversation with Christina. He hadn't even begun to think about the fact that Addison hadn't followed him. Or the fact that, even in his state, it was true he wouldn't have done that with someone else with him.

The more he thinks about it, the easier it is for him to start to hate her for what she's done.

Still, ignoring her wouldn't do any good. And he hadn't been lying; he wants to know how this had happened. He wants to know what can possibly be so 'important' that she has the nerve to ask to see him.

And he needs to get out of that room.

He moves slowly down the hallway, tempted to go the gallery to check to make sure Meredith is still there, still alive, but that's stupid. For one thing, Chief's probably locked the gallery, and for another, they'd have told him if something had gone wrong.

He finally stops outside the room Bailey had told him Addison is in. He hesitates. What is there to say to her? The anger he had been unable to feel earlier is working its way to the surface and he's realizing that Addison's the reason Meredith's in the OR right now. But that hasn't made the guilt he's feeling go away.

What is he supposed to say to her?

**Christina**

She doesn't sit in the waiting room much longer after Derek left. She's sick of it.

With only a vague destination (the coffee machine by the nurse's station) she sets out, wandering the halls without worrying the shortest route she's taken, trying to clear her mind.

Eventually, she ends up at the nurse's station and is filling a coffee cup. The area is relatively quiet apart from three nurses, one behind the desk and two leaning on the front, who are talking in low voices. _Gossiping as usual_, Christina thinks to herself.

She doesn't pay much attention until she hears the name _Meredith Grey._

She turns her head every so slightly.

"-in surgery. But I hear it's not very hopeful."

Christina can't help it, she jerks her whole head around to stare at them.

"Oh, Dr. Yang." The nurse that's speaking, Paula, hates Christina. A lot of the nurses do, come to think of it. But now her tone is extremely pleasant and the other two have quieted. "Have you heard anything about Dr. Grey."

"She's still in surgery." Christina mutters through clenched teeth. She turns her back to them back to the coffee machine.

The nurses are quiet for a moment, and then go back to their muttering.

"Dr. Shepard could get charged. DWI. Vehicular manslaughter if Grey dies."

"You know she resigned yesterday? Divorce. No wonder she was drinking."

"Kind of shows you, doesn't it? What goes around comes around."

Christina stops fiddling with the sugar and cream and listens, her heart pounding. That last statement was Paula.

"What do you mean?" One of the others is asking.

"Dr. Grey broke up the marriage. The woman whose husband she stole is so depressed she goes and gets drunk, and Grey winds up in the car. Karma. She's getting what she deserves."

Christina doesn't even think about. She turns around and calmly takes a few steps closer to the nurses, who have gone dead silent, stands right in front of Paula, glaring icily, and without a word smacks her as hard as she can across the cheek.

Paula staggers backward, cursing loudly, one hand on her face, the other gripping the side of the desk. Her two friends are gawking at Christina, who's pulse is racing with adrenaline. She's thinking how great it would feel to do that to Addison.

Instead, she faces one of the other nurses. "You have anything else to say about Meredith?" Not caring one way or the other, she raised her hand again, ready to make someone else hurt, when she's seized around the wrist by someone's hand.

Whirling around, she comes face to face with a guy she's never seen before. He slowly relaxes his grip on her and then lets go. "Sorry." He smiles slightly. "It's been my experience that fights in hospitals are kind of frowned upon."

"Who the hell are you?" She snaps, taking a few steps back. She turns around and sees the nurses are hurrying away. She turns back to the stranger.

"Nice to meet you, too. I'm Mark."

"Is there something you wanted? Or are you just here to ruin my day even more than it is?"

"Actually, I'm here to visit someone. Maybe you can help me find her. Addison Shepard?"

Christina stares at him. "You're _Mark _Mark?"

His eyebrows shoot up. "Yeah. You've heard of me?"

Christina rolls her eyes. "You came from New York to see her?"

"She was in a car crash."

"Believe me, I know. A self initiated car crash. She just has a concussion. I'd be more concerned about her police charges than with her health conditions." Her voice rises slightly as she gets to the end of that statement.

Mark studies her for a second. "Let me guess. You're a friend of Meredith's."

"Yes, actually." She pulls her eyes away from him.

"How is she?"

"Well, she's _alive_. That's about the best I can say. She's in surgery."

"Oh. I'm sorry. I hope she's okay." He pauses, hesitating. "Listen, can you please tell me where Addison's room is."

Christina thinks for a second. "She's in 3221." She finally answers in a dull voice.

"That doesn't really help me?"

"What do you want, like a map?"

"Can't you just show me?"

Christina sighs in frustration. "I'm afraid to be anywhere near Addison right now…unless you just _want _me to do to her what I did to that nurse."

"Well, I don't really. Not since she has a concussion and all."

Christina shakes her head. "Fine, I'll show you." Honestly, she is interested in seeing how it's going with Derek and Addison. She turns briskly and stars toward the elevator, Mark following her quickly.

**Derek**

He finally makes himself step into Addison's hospital room.

He looks at her long enough to see her startled expression as she glances at him, as if she was lost in thought. He doesn't wait to see her expression change, doesn't wait to let her see how much he's been crying. He looks down at the floor, closes the door behind him, takes a few steps to the side and leans against the wall.

There's a minute of silence.

"Derek."

Addison's voice is very small, very frightened, and it's the most unsure he's ever heard her sound.

"Bailey said you wanted to talk to me." His voice is flat. He shoves his hands into his pockets, then instantly removes them and folds his arms instead.

"I…" Her voice falters already, but after a pause she speaks again. "Heard anything about her?"

He knows she doesn't mean Bailey. He doesn't answer.

She takes the silence as a no. "Oh." There's a pause. "I'm sorry." Her voice is almost inaudible now. "I didn't-"

"What was it you have to tell me?" He interjects loudly, his voice hard.

There's a pause, then Addison says in a strained voice, "Yeah, um…Bailey told me…she said that you were feeling guilty?" She waits a second to see if he'll confirm this, but he stays silent. "Well…you shouldn't."

"I shouldn't?" He repeats in a dead voice. "Well, the reason Meredith is in the OR being operated on, maybe dying, is because _you _got drunk and did something incredibly _stupid._" He thinks he hears Addison draw a shaky breath but he's not sure. "And the reason you got drunk and did this incredibly idiotic, careless thing is because of _me_ so, really, how can I not feel guilty?" His voice is shaking like crazy now.

"That's…" Her voice cracks a little. "That's not exactly right."

Finally, he raises his eyes, to look at her.

Addison keeps going, her tone resigned, as if she's fighting the urge to stop talking. "I would be…it wasn't you that made me do this. Not just you. I've known this divorce was coming, I forced myself…I hated it, but I was determined to be okay, to move on…" Her voice trails off.

"So…so why…" For some reason he's lost the ability to finish a coherent sentence. But she's got his attention now.

Addison mutters something. He turns his face up entirely and glares at her. "What?"

Her eyes are closed, and this time when she speaks he can hear her. " I called Mark." She instantly stops talking, as if hoping that this is enough for him to infer the rest. Derek just waits.

Finally, she continues, "I told him I wanted to…to come home and he said I couldn't stay with him. And I guess…I don't know, I was just upset about Mark and…and you, because I guess…I knew we were ending, Derek, it was so clear how you felt about Meredith and I'd always told myself that…that maybe I would always have _someone _but when Mark said I couldn't…"

Derek's stopped listening already. Something's roaring in his ears and he's still glaring at Addison, his chest feeling tighter and tighter to more this information sinks in…

"So this…this is all over _him_?" He's pretty sure he interrupted her, but he doesn't care. "Meredith's…she's…this is all because _Mark _wasn't ready to jump right back in with you?"

Addison's fighting tears. "I know, and I'm _sorry_! I just…I just wanted you to know. Because you shouldn't blame yourself…"

"_Fuck_, Addison!"

"Derek-"

"No, don't say anything. Do you get what's happening here? Do you get…" His breath's coming out ragged and he's lost control of the volume of his voice. "Meredith flat lined before they took her into surgery, and the Chief told me to let her go, if I hadn't…she almost died, she _would _have died….and now you're telling me this is because you couldn't handle the fact that Mark wouldn't let you come running back into his arms!"

He's moved closer to the bed, all attempts to not look at Addison forgotten; now he's staring at her, his eyes locked with hers, glaring. He doesn't mind seeing the tears that are beginning to roll down her cheeks and the guilt in her eyes…right now, he wants her to be guilty and he wants her to fell as terrible as possible. She's giving him his opportunity to give in fully to the anger he's been suppressing behind his own guilt… and he plans on taking advantage of that.

"Derek…you have to…You have to believe that I never meant to do this…you…you should understand. You know what it's like to get drunk and depressed and do something stupid…you nearly killed yourself…."

"Oh, don't. Don't even…even then I was thinking enough to not do something with someone else with me…but no one was. And why is that?" He's thinking back to what Christina said. "Because when you knew I was driving drunk you didn't come with me! You didn't even follow me after I left!" Addison winces, her hand moving to her face to brush the tears off her cheeks. "Meredith…she went with you, when God knows she owes you _nothing_, not after all the crap you've put her through."

"I…I know all that. I just…how drunk must I have been to do this! That's not me, I'm not…I wouldn't do that!"

"Why are you defending this? You don't want me to blame myself…yet I can't blame _you_?"

"This is my fault, I know that! I feel terrible enough! But I just want you to….I don't know, not _hate _me!"

He stares at her for a few moments, trying to catch his breath and when he finally does speak, his voice is considerably softer, "That's going to be hard, Addison. If she…she could die…" His voice cracks, and suddenly the tears that had finally gone away are filling his eyes again.

He turns his back to the hospital bed and walks a few feet towards the wall, pressing his palms against it and closing his eyes.

The sudden silence seems a huge contrast to the yelling of earlier.

"Mark!"

He turns to look at Addison. "Wha-" He stops short. His former best friend is standing in the door, his eyes fixed on Addison, with Christina behind him, who's glancing from Derek to Addison.

**Christina**

She looks back and forth between the two of them. She and Mark had heard them yelling from down the hall, and they'd waited outside for a few moments to make sure they were finished yelling before coming in.

She couldn't help but feel glad that Derek got mad at Addison and let her know it. Now Christina's waiting for an opportunity to do it herself.

Mark speaks first. "Addie."

"You came."

"Yeah. How could I not?" He moves toward Addison's bed and kneels down, taking her hand. "I'm sorry…"

"No, don't…don't be. You were right."

"I know." He smiles slightly. "I'm still sorry. It was hard to do, Addie but…I can't be your second choice like that. You need some time away from Derek…"

"I understand that." She tells him softly.

Derek and Christina are staring at them. Christina's about to say something but Derek beats her to it, his voice shaking with anger. "_Now _you _understand_! Even though earlier it was enough to make you get drunk and turn your car in front of another one! He shows up and suddenly you _understand!_"

"Hey, easy." Mark says, turning to face Derek, his voice completely calm. "Take it easy."

"Take is _easy_!" Derek repeats incredulously. "The woman I'm in love with could die, and I find out it's because _you _wouldn't take _her _back. What, you can sleep with her while she's married but you have a time limit after divorce?"

"Derek!"

"Listen, man, I'm sorry about Meredith. But this isn't my fault. It has nothing to do with me."

**Derek**

He's staring at Mark with the same expression he'd been using on Addison. He can't think of anything to say to this statement. He can't think of any coherent reason to blame Mark for what happened…but it doesn't matter. He's about two seconds away from punching him across the jaw.

"Why are you yelling at him?" Christina suddenly says. He shoots her a look, but she's not looking at him. She's glaring at Addison. "She's the one who did it. Not you, not even Mark." She laughs humorlessly. "Kind of fitting. She's been the one ruining Meredith's life for the past two months now…"

Mark interjects angrily, "Yeah, and I'm sure Derek's had nothing to with it!"

"You wouldn't know, would you?" Christina shoots back.

"Don't defend her!" Derek adds to Mark.

"You know she's not the only one who's done something like this…"

"Mark…" Addison interrupts in a soft voice, which sounds almost foreign when compared to the others screaming. "You don't have to-"

"Last I heard you got into a car accident for the same reason. And Meredith's not exactly a stranger to drinking either. How do you think I even met her-"

"Mark!" Addison's voice is shocked.

Derek, forgetting about the fact that he's shorter and less stocky than Mark, he's shoved him up against the hospital wall and, thinking how satisfying it was the last time he punched Mark out, is bringing his fist to his jaw with an almost frightening intensity.

Mark falls to the ground slowly, his back dragging a little on the wall. His hand clamps onto his face and he's gasping for breath.

Addison's staring at him, her face pale and her eyes huge.

Christina even looks surprised.

Derek's barely had time to understand what had happened when the quick, rhythmic beeping of a pager breaks the silence.

Derek fumbles in his pocket and looks at the pager, and suddenly Christina's next to him, staring over his shoulder.

Her voice is breathless as she looks at the pager. "That's Izzie…"

Derek can physically feel his heart drop to his stomach.

"They shouldn't be done yet…it's too soon…" Christina's voice wavers slightly.

Without another word to Addison or Mark, he's running from the room, Christina close behind him.

They burst into the little waiting room and Izzie approaches them. George and Alex are sitting in the same places, no longer sleeping. "_There _you are-"

"What happened!" Christina gasps, and Derek's glad she did it because he can't make himself speak at all.

"Nothing. We woke up and you two were gone. We just wanted to know if you'd heard something-"

"WHAT!" Christina hits Izzie in the arm. "Don't _ever_ do that! We thought something was wrong…" She moves numbly over the nearest chair and falls into his, rubbing her face with her hands and groaning slightly.

Derek's just struggling to breathe again.

Without sitting down, he moves back in the direction he came. "I need some air…" he mutters.

He goes first to the elevator but has barely gave it time to come after he presses the button that he changes his mind. Not the elevator. Not now.

He heads for the stairs and thunders down four flights to the lobby, where he moves straight to the door and out in the parking lot.

His knees give out when he gets to the first curb and he sits, breathing deeply and trying to make the world stop spinning.

The temperatures dropped, and he thinks to himself that it's the cold that's making him shake so violently.

**Okay, so I really like this chapter. And I think it's going to be the next to last one. But I really like this chapter. A lot. Even though there's no MerDer, directly anyway. I really can't wait to hear what you think, because this one took me forever to right, even though the scene with Mark, Addison, Derek and Christina has been playing in my head since before I wrote the previous chapter…and I hope I made it work. That's the scene I really want to know about, the one with just Derek/Addison AND when Mark and Christina entered….and of course I want to know how accurately the Point of views are being written…Derek's and Christina's, especially, but also Addison and others. PLEASE REVIEW. I'll try to get the next one up soon.**


	17. I'll See You Through

**Chapter Seventeen: I'll See You Through**

_If you ever need holding  
Call my name, I'll be there  
If you ever need holding  
And no holding back, I'll see you through_

_Sky Blue and Black_

**Derek**

He doesn't know how long he sits there, on the curb in the parking lot of the hospital. Finally he stands for no particular reason and reenters the hospital.

Once inside, he wanders inadvertently to the door to the OR where Meredith's being operated on. He stands outside for awhile, as if it will somehow make him feel closer to her and everything that's going on.

He leans against the wall across from the door, trying to get his mind to work in a logical manner. The reality that Meredith could die…that's all too obvious and close to him. Though denial and stubborn hope still exist in a small corner of his mind, there have been too many close calls…first the flatline, and then getting the page from Izzie. Even though, with the latter, nothing had been happening, he had been sure the page could only mean one thing…

After awhile of standing, Derek decides to return to the waiting room…the last thing he wants is another terrifying page from Izzie or George…

Alex

Dr. Shepard comes back into the waiting room and sits back in the same chair as before.

That's the most that's happened in the hour and a half since he and Christina had come back.

This waiting room. Where time stands still.

Alex's arm is around Izzie and she's leaning on his shoulder, her eyes closed. He doesn't know if she's sleeping or not. His arm's numb and tingling uncomfortably, but he doesn't dare shift it even a little.

He's not sure how much longer he can take this…the deafening silence occasionally punctuated by loud sighs or nervous tapping. He hates this. He wants to be doing something, know something. Waiting isn't good.

Izzie's head moves on his arm for the first time in an hour, and he glances down to see her looking up at him, blinking sleepily. "Hey."

"Hi."

Her eyes dart around the room. "There hasn't been any-"

"No, nothing. Which is good."

"Good." She repeats softly

Her eyes move away from Alex's face and he follows her gaze; she's looking at Derek.

"Poor guy." He says quietly.

Derek

More time passes. He has no sense of it anymore. If someone were to ask, he wouldn't be able to tell them how long it had been since Meredith had gone into surgery, how long since he'd come back in side, how long since they'd left Addison's room.

So when Bailey, Burke and the Chief come walking into the waiting room, he's not sure if he should panic or not.

Every eye in the room focuses on them, waiting.

The Chief smiles a little. "She made it through."

From the voices, movement, gasps behind him, Derek is dimly aware that the others are all reacting to the news. But he can't. His whole body is limp with relief, and his heart, which had seemed to stop beating when they'd walked in, is beginning to function at about ten times its normal rate to catch up for the lost time.

There are footsteps everywhere, and people are hugging, but Derek can't even move. He's trying to let his brain process the message. She made it through.

Dr. Bailey comes up to him and smiles. "You get that message, Shep? She made it."

"So…so she's fine?" His voice is shaking all over the place. "She's going to be okay?"

"Barring any complications…she should be as good as new."

He lifts his face to look at her. He takes in the way Bailey's smiling at him. And it hits him, completely and fully. His lips widen into a huge smile. He wants to remember this moment. He doesn't remember ever feeling so deliriously happy.

Derek can't recall a time he'd cried because he was happy, but it's happening right now. His eyes have gotten really accustomed to tears…they've been lingering in his eyes all night, and now he's crying again. But somehow this is different. This is better.

When he can finally talk, he asks, "Can I…can I see her?"

"She's in recovery right now." The Chief put in from behind them. "She should be awake very soon. I wouldn't suggest too many people seeing her at once."

Meredith's friends look at each other. Then Christina, who's standing with Burke's arm wrapped around her, locks her eyes with Derek's. "You go." She smiles at him, probably the most sincere smile Derek's ever gotten out of her. He returns it.

"What room?"

The Chief barely lets Meredith's new room number escape his mouth when Derek is gone.

**Christina**

She leans into Burke, her head against his chest, suddenly completely exhausted from the previous drama and the sheer relief that's happening now.

She and the others watch Derek take off from the room. Burke leans down toward her ear, "You look exhausted."

She looks up at him. "So do you."

He shrugs. "Tough surgery. _Long_ surgery."

"The wait wasn't so great, either." She retorts.

He smiles down at her, his eyes full of understanding. "I'm sure it wasn't." He pauses. "You want to get out of here? Get some sleep?"

She hesitates a little, here yes unconsciously darting to the corridor Derek had just disappeared down, headed to the recovery wing.

"Shep will be in there awhile, I'm guessing."

She nods in agreement. "Yeah, you're right. We can see Meredith tomorrow."

"We can." He repeats in an assuring voice.

**Izzie**

She hadn't realized properly how exhausted she is until the fear and the anxiousness had been allowed to fall away.

She walks out of the hospital with the others (minus Derek, of course), having decided that they would let him have exclusive visiting time until they come back.

She walks out with Alex, and the two of them lingered behind Christina, Burke and George, all three of whom were chatting enthusiastically in an attempt to cement this new, better mood and relieve the great tension that had covered them for hour after hour tonight.

She glances up at him a couple times before speaking. "Thank you. For being so great through all this."

He smiles a little. "It's nothing."

She smiles. "You surprise me, Alex."

He grins. "That's nice to know. I hate being predictable."

She giggles a little, thinking how good it feels to smile, to laugh. "I'm serious. You put out this big macho, 'I-don't-care-about-anyone-but-me' attitude. But when the chips are down, you step up. Tonight, when Meredith was going to leave and you stuck up for her with Christina…" She shrugs. "It's surprising is all."

"What can I say? I'm a surprising guy."

"You should be like that more often." She turns to face him at this comment. After the slightest hesitation, he leans down, placing his hand firmly on her lower back and kisses her.

"Surprising enough?"

Izzie smiles to herself. No, that wasn't surprising. That was exactly what she had been hoping for when she gave him that line.

"Yes. That was very surprising."

Alex grins, pleased with himself, and slips his arm around her. "Well, I'm a surprising guy."

Izzie leans into him, and repeats, "You're a surprising guy."

**Bailey**

She walks through the hall toward Addison's room, having remembered that it might be a good idea to give her an update, since no one else will probably think to.

She's feeling extremely good right now. It wasn't until halfway through that surgery that she'd allowed herself to admit the truth: she hadn't thought Meredith was going to make it.

It hadn't been easy. It had taken a long time, several close calls, a lot of blood…but it was worth it. Just seeing that smile on Derek's face, or on any of her friends, just knowing Meredith would be waking up soon and be okay…it was so worth it.

She's actually smiling when she walks into Addison's room, but the smile fades, because Bailey's surprised to see that Addison is also smiling. And there's a guy sitting on the edge of her bed.

The sympathy Bailey had been feeling for Addison is ebbing considerably. She has no idea if Meredith's okay, yet she's up here smiling and having a pleasant visit with some man.

Addison looks at her and her face pales slightly, taking in Bailey's glare and clearly thinking it means something else. "Is Meredith…." She trails off, her voice shaking a little.

Bailey can't get rid of the edge in her voice. "She made it." She starts to say something sarcastic (_Congratulations, no manslaughter charge for you!)_ but Addison smiles so widely that Bailey swallows the comment.

"She's…she's okay?"

Bailey nods a little. "She's fine." Then, because she can't resist, she backs up, saying, "Sorry to have _disturbed _you."

**Derek**

He sits in the chair next to her bed without moving, just stroking her hair, holding her hand, and blinking back tears. She's okay. She looks absolutely no different than she did before the surgery, but _everything _is different. There's no fear, no terror, no guilt…just happiness, and hope.

He's there almost an hour, just watching her, when her eyes flutter a bit and a small moan escapes from her lips. Her eyes open finally and she glances around, settling on his face. "Derek?", she whispers weakly.

He can't help; he tears up again and squeezes her hand reassuringly. "Yeah, Mer, it's okay. I'm right here."

Her eyes are becoming more alert. "Are we…are we at the hospital?"

"Yeah. Yeah, we are. Do you remember what happened?" She shakes her head, looking a little scared. "You were in a car accident. You don't remember?"

She closes her eyes for a moment, then opens them. Her voice is questioning. "Addison…she was driving? She was drunk."

"Yeah. She was."

"Oh…" Meredith pauses. "Is she…alright." Her voice is coming out small and breathless.

"Yeah, she's fine." Derek rubs his thumb across her finger, something he'd always done out of habit. "And so are you, Mer."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

She studies him for a moment, then her eyes fill slowly with tears. "Derek?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

He swallows against the lump in his throat and moves from the chair to the edge of the bed, gingerly putting an arm around her, and saying in a cracked voice, "I love you, too." He rests his forehead gently against the side of her head, and whispers, "Promise don't ever scare me like that again."

Her voice is a whisper, too. "Promise."

She closes her eyes then, and they stay like that for the rest of the night.

He doesn't sleep, but he suspects that she does. A nurse comes in to check on them after awhile, and he indicates silently that she's awake. Derek is content to just lie there with, listening to her breathe.

When she wakes up again, she seems to have more awareness and energy, and wants to know about her surgery. He tells her as much as he can, but just talking about it makes him want to scream. He can't get through the story of the flat line without breaking down.

"Thank you." She tells him quietly. "For not giving up." Her voice is shaking violently, and he kisses her softly.

"I wasn't going to lose you. I couldn't. But…" His voice breaks. "I was so scared, Mer…"

"Me, too." She tells him, her eyes glistening with tears. "In the car, I mean. I didn't know what to do…" She pauses for a moment, apparently lost in thought, then says, "You know when you proposed?"

God, he'd nearly forgotten. Now, his hands go automatically to the ring still in his pocket. "Yeah."

"Well…." She smiles at him. "Yes."

His eyes widened, and though his first instinct is joy, he forces himself to swallow it. "Mer, it's okay. There's no pressure. Maybe it was crazy for me to ask, this soon, I understand if you're not sure…I don't mind, I'll wait for you as long as you need, I'm here."

"Derek, listen. I'm serious. Yes. I want to marry you."

He studies her hard, and a smile tugs at his lips. "You said something like this to me when I was in the accident…you've just been through a pretty traumatic experience, and you need to think about what you really want-"

**Meredith**

She puts her finger on his lips to silence him. "Shut up, okay? It's not doing you any good." She smiles at him, then goes on, "When I was in that car with Addison, I knew what she was going to do. She told me, and I'm not stupid enough to think I could have stopped her if she was serious. And in that split second when I saw those headlights I…all I could think about was how I was going to die how much time we've wasted being stupid and not being together…"

She swallows a little, then speaks firmly, "The point is, I don't care anymore, about taking my time. I want to be with you. I don't want to overanalyze everything, I don't want to be too afraid to make myself happy. I want _simple_, just like we talked about the other night in the airport. And the simple thing is…I love you, and there's nothing I want more than to spend the rest of my life with you." Her throat is tight, but she's smiling she finishes up with, "I'm done being stupid, and I'm done being scared. So, my answer is yes. And don't tell me that I'm not sure, because I'm sure as _hell_."

He's smiling, now, too, and he fumbles around his pocket for the ring and opens it up. "Let me do this right…Meredith Grey, will you marry me?"

She laughs a little, tears gathering under her eyes and beginning to roll down her cheeks. "Yes."

He slips it on her finger, then takes her face in his hands and kisses her intensely.

XXXXXXX

Three days later, Meredith's been bombarded by her friends, Dr. Webber, and Bailey, who have been in and out of her room the whole time. Derek hasn't left anymore than he has to. She's able to go home, though she can't work for another two weeks.

Derek carries the suitcase Izzie and George had brought her the first day after she woke up as they walk out of her room. They're halfway down the corridor when Addison is in front of them, dressed in her casual clothes, on her way to a meeting with the Chief.

Derek's eyes harden instantly, and Meredith regards her uncertainly.

Addison's face reddens, and she looks at the floor, then meets Meredith's eyes with what appears to be a great deal of difficulty. "I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry-"

"I know." Meredith says quietly. She can't bring herself to tell Addison it's all right, not yet, but she does believe her. "I know you are."

"And thank you. For coming with me. You didn't have to…" She trails off uncertainly.

"I know that, too." Meredith repeats, simply because there's nothing else to say. She offers Addison a small smile and she and Derek head to the door.

"You're better than I am." He tells her as they leave the hospital. "I can't forgive it."

"I'm not forgiving it. I never said I did. But I believe she's sorry. Besides…" She turns to look at him, all seriousness. "It didn't turn out so bad."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. It woke me up. I'm not wasting anymore time being without you. This accident…it made me see how important you are."

He leans down and kisses her softly. "Me, too. It made me want to stop anything like this to ever happen to you again. I don't want you to be scared like that, or hurt…I… I just want to protect you. Forever."

"Forever, huh?" She slips her left hand into his, smiling down at the sparkling diamond ring. "Do I have your word on that?"

He smiles. "You do."

She laughs. "Sounds like you got the wedding vows backwards."

He grins. "It does, doesn't it?" He glances at the engagement ring. "Better start practicing for that wedding." He pauses, then says with mock thoughtfulness. "You know, we could just elope this weekend."

"Um, no."

"Oh, come on, Mer. You're supposed to be on the whole seize the day kick. Carpe diem!"

"Yeah? Well there's a few things wrong with that idea. One, there's a divorce to finalize." He frowns. "And two, I need time to plan. As much work as this relationship has been, I deserve a great wedding."

"Well, I'm the groom, what more do you need?" He waggles his eyebrows.

They've reached the car, and she laughs and he leans against the door, grinning. "I can't believe I'm about to say this, but I really missed you being all arrogant."

"Ooh, you're going to regret that."

"Probably."

Derek laughs and pushes a strand of hair from her eyes. "So you got any plans tonight?"

"No. Why? Are you suggesting a second date? Because the first one had a proposal, and then later that night you saved my life. So this is going to have to be pretty good."

"That's a lot of pressure."

"You can handle it."

"You think?"

"Yeah. Both of us you know…we can handle-"

"-anything." He finishes for her. Then, just because he feels like it, and because he's been finding 'moments' anytime he can, he leans down to kiss her.

She smiles up at him. True, they've handled a lot. But its all been worth it.

**A/N So that was the conclusion. Hard to write for some reason, but I ended up liking the happiness. I have really loved this story and appreciate everyone who's reviewed it. I don't really want to do an epilogue, cuz I'm not good at them, but I will if anyone really wants one. However, I wrote half of this chapter to end the story a different way, much sadder, but personally I think its well written and dramatic. If you guys want me to post it as an 'alternate ending' (personally, I think its worth reading) and can tell me that you'll review, just mention it in the review. Also, check out my new story "Face Down" (another angst one, very MerDer, and quite interesting for me to write since it's in first person) and look for a Jigsaw update in the next few days **


End file.
